GRE® essay sample: Young people should be encouraged...

[Lovboy]

GRE essay sample

"Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition."

The author's view that "Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition" is extremely convincing and logically sound.I strongly agree with the author's claim that budding young people and students should set sight on practically feasible and technically viable goals along with sufficient time.This will enable the youngsters to have a strong and strategic plan before them which will enable them to assess themselves from time to time and thereby correct their mistakes then and there.

Right from our childhood, everyone of us would have dreamt of achieving something later on in our lives and would have have worked towards the goal until a certain point in our life.This is the critical juncture where we stop and tend to analyze the options that are present before us. We then make decisions based on our analysis.For example, studying in India, the country where "INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY" seems to be the name of the game in all nook and corners of the vast land of late, professional students irrespective of their academic background are being absorbed into the huge consultancy firms in large numbers. These jobs are high paying jobs taking into account the absence of experience in the freshers. So most students find this an attractive offer and take it up forgetting the earlier ambitions and dreams in order to seek immediate fame and recognition.

Nowadays, with the emergence of multitudes of well paying career oppurtunities for young students and professionals, the possibility of striking gold immediately by walking the wornout path like everyone else does play in the minds of these youngsters.Either due to financial necessity or due to the possiblity of success with limited knowledge, students get attracted towards these types of flashy offers.They fail to notice that these jobs will not only be againt their initial goals which will make them work less effectively but also will lead to stagnation in the market.

These type of activities will defenitely produce a deletirious effect not only to their careers but also to the nation which requires services in several other fields such as entreprenuers, scientists, military forces and pilots which might have actually been the initial objectives of the youngsters.If they pursue their goal and dream they would defenitely work more effectively and would more importantly have a sense of job satisfaction.

If we notice, we will find that most of the emminent personalities in the world are known for their achievements that were the result of their long-term carefully planned realistic goal.For example, Albert Einstein, the great scientist who came up with the world known theory of relativity, initially found himself in the wrong place as a clerk in an office.He was not content with what he was doing.He spent more time in his office in research rather than what he was supposed to do.He chased his dream all the while.Eventually he quit his job and set himself to only research, the result of which was one of the greatest accomplishments in the scientific world.This is the outcome of pursuing our goals and giving our best to reach the targert.

"Rome was not built in a day" is an age old proverb.Trying to seek immediate fame and recognition is analogous with the building of rome in a day, or even worse.The fame thus acquired without effort and dedication is like a candle light which can be easily lighted but will be put off by the slightest and mildest wind or breeze.But the success and achievement acquired due to persistent hardwork and by following a long-term goal set in our earlier days of our lives is like the shining of the bright "SUN".No one will can figure out how and when the luminance was created and the light can never be destroyed by any force, however strong it is.

[Daria]

I wonder how people could type so huge essays (638 words here). It is my main problem, I cannot type more than 400, it's maximum

[Lovboy]

hey there!
i took just arnd 30 mins to type this one...
i can type reasonably fast!
but what do u think abt the quality of the essay...quantity is not the only criteria!

[Mister Micawber]

.
Hello lovboy. Impressive essay. I have copied it below and added comments of various sorts in my brackets after underlined problem areas:

"Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition."

The author's view that "Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition" [merely repeating the essay topic statement verbatim is a little weak; it would be more creative to paraphrase it] is extremely convincing and logically sound. I strongly agree with the author's claim that [Overall, it is best to avoid personal pronouns if you can; the essay itself is proof that you agree or disagree with the statement-- delete this part and start from 'Budding'] budding young people and students should set sight [set one's sights on is more idiomatic]on practically feasible and technically viable [too many adjective phrases, when they are partially redundant, appear as essay padding and wordiness-- pare them down when you edit: 'feasible' really covers it all, and your Reader will know that] goals along with sufficient time.This will enable the youngsters [poor word choice; this is avuncular. Stick with 'young people' / 'young adults'] to have a strong and ['and' is padding here; omit it] strategic plan before them [plans are always before us; redundant: omit] which will enable them to assess themselves from time to time and thereby correct their mistakes then and there [more padding, and too casual: if you must, use 'immediately'].

Right from our ['every one' is the next pronoun, which is not 'us'-- check your pronouns for consistency, and avoid the personal ones if you can-- it automatically makes the language of the essay more formal] childhood, everyone [two words] of us would [use 'will': it exudes self-confidence in your opinion] have dreamt of achieving something later on in our lives and would [ibid] have have [proofreading is important!] worked towards the goal until a certain point in our life ['lives', for concord].This is the critical juncture where we stop and tend to [weakens the statement; omit] analyze the options that are present before [presented to] us. We then make decisions based on our analysis. For example, studying in India, the country where "INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY" [no reason to either capitalize or enclose in quotes] seems to be the name of the game in all nook and corners of the vast land of late [this is an awful mishmash of cliche (every nook and cranny), slang (name of the game) and anachronism (of late)-- revise it completely!], professional students irrespective of their academic background are being absorbed into the huge consultancy firms in large numbers. These jobs are high paying jobs [redundant; you just used this word 3 words previously-- recast] taking into account the absence of experience in the freshers [slang]. So [I don't like to see a sentence begin with a conjunction unless there is a very good stylistic reason; here there is not. Attach it to the previous sentence with a semicolon] most students find this an attractive offer and take it up [comma] forgetting the earlier ambitions and dreams in order to seek immediate fame and recognition. ['ambitions' and 'dreams' are essentially the same; so are 'fame' and 'recognition'; this is word-padding again. It forces the reader to read more than s/he has to, and s/he doesn't like that unless it is very good literature. You are not Marcel Proust.]

Nowadays, with the emergence of multitudes of well paying career oppurtunities [spelling-- proofreading!] for young students and professionals, the possibility of striking gold immediately by walking the wornout path [this is not idiomatic; it does not even make sense, really] like everyone else does [I don't see any call for the emphatic 'do' here] play in the minds of these youngsters. Either due to financial necessity or due to the possiblity of success with limited knowledge, [some strict grammarians will remind you that 'due to' is an adjective only; you might be wise to change these to 'because of'] students get attracted towards these types of flashy offers.[two blank spaces after a period, please; otherwise the essay is crowded and harder to read] They fail to notice that these jobs will not only be againt [spelling] their initial goals [comma] which will make them work less effectively but also will lead to stagnation [their stagnation, I suppose you mean] in the market.

These type [concord of noun and determiner, please] of activities will defenitely [spelling!-- I am losing interest here, because you have not proofread your essay before posting it] produce a deletirious [spelling!] effect not only to ['effect on'] their careers but also to [ibid] the nation [comma] which requires services in several other fields [but the following are not 'fields' or 'services', they are jobs; restructure this part a bit] such as entreprenuers [sp], scientists, military forces [no: 'personnel'] and pilots which might have actually been the initial objectives of the youngsters [see previous note on this word].If they pursue their goal and dream [see previous note on redundancy and repair S-O concord] they would defenitely [sp] work more effectively and would more importantly have a sense of job satisfaction.

If we notice, we will find that [redundant, personal, presumptive; delete the underlined] most of the emminent [sp!-- if you don't have a dictionary, use spellcheck software] personalities in the world [where else would they be? Padding: delete] are known for their achievements that [comma, 'which'. You need to review restrictive and nonrestrictive pronouns] were the result of their long-term carefully planned realistic [too many adjectives in a row-- just select the best and dump the others] goal [concord, please]. For example, Albert Einstein, the great scientist who came up with the world known [not idiomatic. World-renowned? well-known?] theory of relativity, initially found himself in the wrong place as a clerk in an office.He was not content with what he was doing.He spent more time in his office in research rather than ['more time...rather than' is faulty construction; revise] what he was supposed to do.He chased his dream all the while.Eventually he quit his job and set himself to only research ['only to research' or 'to research alone'], the result of which was one of the greatest accomplishments in the scientific world.This is the outcome of pursuing our goals and giving our best to reach the targert [proofread!].

"Rome was not built in a day" is an age old [hyphenated] proverb.Trying to seek immediate fame and recognition is analogous with the building of rome [cap] in a day, or even worse.The fame thus acquired without effort and dedication is like a candle light [omit] which can be easily lighted but will be put off ['out'] by the slightest and mildest [one of these is redundant padding] wind or breeze [one of these is redundant padding].But the success and achievement acquired due to [see note above] persistent hardwork [two words] and by following a long-term goal set in our ['the'; 'our' is coming in the next phrase] earlier days of our lives is like the shining of the bright "SUN" [no reason for capitals or quotes].No one will can [impossible grammar] figure out how and when [how about 'where' and 'why'-- and 'by Whom'? I suggest you revise this bit] the luminance was created and the light can never be destroyed by any force, however strong it is.

After all my criticisms, it seems overall to be very well composed, lovboy. I would like another look at it after your revisions, though; now, I can hardly see the forest for the trees.

MM
_________________
Canadian-American native speaker
who teaches English for a living at Mister Micawber's
ESL cafe: Interview with Mr. Micawber