TOEFL essay sample: Talk Movies again!

[FangFang]

Dear Mister Micawber:

Firstly,i want to show my great thanks for your careful corrections!!!!! I am ashamed of wasting you time for it.
I have corrected it again. I wonder if you can give me some advice after reading it. Appreciate your hard work !
Many thanks !!!!!

TOEFL essay sample

In the late 19th century, when Brothers Lumi?re played their first film in Paris they might have expected a new era's coming. With the birth of current films movies have become a part of our daily lives.
In the movie worlds, Charlie Chaplin, as the tramp, lived terribly, though hard it was the vagabond still found his happiness and love. In The Wonderful Wizard of Oz Dorothy led us to her colorful fairy world where golden roads and Scarecrow can talk .So are Lion and Tin Man . You can find wonders everywhere! In movies Asoka was shaped into a vivid historical figure who experienced a life from a tyrant to a wise king, finally preached Buddhism around India. Also it was through documentary films that we know the past such as great Egyptian Culture, lost Mayan Civilization, cruel World Wars, mysterious universe origin etc.
Movie is the mirror of ourselves reflecting all we have had. When we enjoy ourselves in cinemas we would feel the same love and pain .We would be attracted by those splendid scenes. We would cry as if the story just happens to ourselves. There are so many similarities that movie brings together. As a kind of method movie adds much art into itself, even it is we can still get the points. Because you can find the ideal components in movies which are what we have expected but not happened before. Movies just give us chances to know ourselves. In Lord Ring we see stories happen in an incredible world where neither the Magicians nor Evil powers got the Ring but those ordinary even petty dwarves saved the world. This movie again carries beliefs that we have common feelings .We may fail because of mistrust, envy and deceit or massacre and so on. But all end where love and hope begin! These feelings are put into movies, as help us to find ourselves in the deep hearts.
Movie inspires us to explore this world. After the appearance of films people never ceased discovering new things. Movies just provide us another way for it. Especially with the help of modern technologies those industrial workers find more useful ways to make it. They put the most imaginative ingredients into films so that we can fly in the universe, we can take time-machine to visit our ancestors and ancient dinosaur. There are no more real things left in scientific movies only man’s imagination expanding as far as space. It is movie that helps us to experience all kinds of novelties.
Movies provide us information. The only way for exploration is reveal. When seeing man’s spirit flowers blooming we sign with strong emotions. For we have never known them before. We are always impressed by those nice movies as open our soul windows and let sunlight come in. By this way we get those useful things and learn to become better. Movies just give directions that would lead us to go well.
Meanwhile there is much to argue about movies. They seem to be kaleidoscopes. You won’t be always seeing those bright colors, some gloomy and dark. Movie is assumed an art medium to express our feelings, when it comes to distortion movie will act side-effected roles. For instance when we enjoy those much violence and heroic charms we should be attentive because they probably happened or would happen in our real lives. How to avoid those bad effects movies may produce, movies seem to have two faces, one is angel the other is demon. We needn’t speak sesame curse out to make a choice because we have the key. That is movie just tells us how to find the right from the wrong.
How lucky we’ve got movies, Imagine all the devotees of the movies suddenly withdrawing to a monastery, taking with them all that belongs to them, the workday world we know would turn before our astonished faces into some thing bleak, dark, soundless bare of sensuous charm and empty of any meaning .As the medium of spiritual art movie is requisite for our daily life and it appears to be more active , now and forever.

[Mister Micawber]

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Hello, FangFang. You have a very good imagination, and an eagerness to communicate that makes me confident that you will soon be a very good English user.

The main trouble with your essay is that you have tried to say too much, and have not spent enough time proofreading and checking your vocabulary and sentence structure. The result is an essay with many very strong images, but with unclear organization and many small mistakes that will give you a lower score.

I will underline some of the problems in the first paragraphs, and give comments about them in the brackets that follow:

In the late times of 19 century [awkward: 'in the late 19th century'],when Brother Lumi?re played their [wrong pronoun; you mentioned only one brother] first film in Paris they [uncertain reference: who is this 'they'?] might have expected a new era's coming.With the birth of current films,movies [leave two blank spaces after a period and one space after a comma] have become one [you are not counting; use 'a'] part of our daily lives.
In the movie world , Charle [spelling] Chaplin ,as the tramp, lived terribly ,though hard it was the vagabon [spelling] still found his happiness and love;where Dorothy led us to her colorful fairy world ,golden roads ,Scarecrow talked like man,Lion and Tin Man as well [syntax is completely missing in this underlined part!],you can find wonders everywhere! By moive [spelling] Asoka was shaped into a vivid historical figure,who experienced a life from a tyrant to a wise king,and finally preached Buddhism around India.Also it was by [wrong preposition: 'through'] documentary films that we know the past ,such as ,great Egyptian Culture , lost Mya [spelling] Civilization, cruel World Wars, mesterious [spelling] universe origin......

These images (from 'In the movie world...' to '...universe origin') are very well-selected, strong and vivid examples, but the sentence structure uniting these clauses is irregular, the composition and punctuation is not careful, and therefore the passage is difficult to understand. In your rush to write everything down, you have sacrificed clarity and good writing. It would be better to save some time by using fewer examples and spend that time instead on polishing the mechanics of your sentences. This applies generally to the rest of your essay also.
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_________________
Canadian-American native speaker
who teaches English for a living at Mister Micawber's
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