TOEFL® essay sample: People who work hard and sleep late...

[Janice]

Hello, Allan!
Please give me some commons about my toefl essay.
Thank you very much for your help and time!

TOEFL essay sample

People who work hard and sleep late at night are hard-working people who will have success in their lives, while people who take naps during the day and sleep a lot at night are lazy. Agree or disagree with this agreement.

Although many people might agree with this statement, I do not think it is necessarily true in terms of their sleeping hours and health. (Is the introduction too short?)

First of all, I believe that people who work hard and sleep very late at night are doing themselves more harm than good. By the next day they going to work, they will probably feel tired, so they have no energy to continue their work. I have experienced this situation myself. Once I studied diligently for an upcoming math test till two o’clock in the evening, I could not keep myself awake during the test. Also, I had troubles remembering the formulas and how to solve the questions. When my test result came out, I could not believe that I forgot to write the last page, which was about twenty percent of the test. Therefore, from my experience, I believe that people who study hard and sleep late at night will not necessarily have success in their lives.

Second, the statement that “People who take naps during the day and sleep a lot at night are lazy” cannot be said to everyone. Some people may be tired from their work, and they must take a nap in order to sustain their energy. In fact, according to my biology’s teacher, students who sleep at ten o’clock and take a few naps during the day do better in their exams than students who sleep at two o’clock at night studying their exams. This is because sleeping nails their memories down. The longer you sleep, the longer is your memory, and the better you do in exams.

In my opinion, the statement should be readjusted to this: “People who work hard and have enough sleep are hard-working people who will have success in their lives.” In the future, I will work diligently and sleep early so that I can be successful at university.

[Alan]

Hi janice,

I have made some suggestions in CAPITAL letters: