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bad effects of computers.help me check this essay!/tks .luschen!



 
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bad effects of computers.help me check this essay!/tks .luschen! #1 (permalink) Sat Aug 25, 2012 0:46 am   bad effects of computers.help me check this essay!/tks .luschen!
 

27/7/2012
Name: Le Thi Thuy Trang

Topic: Computers do not help children learn more effectively. On the contrary, the use of computers has a negative effect on children physical and mental development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Task:

Not surprisingly, nowadays, thanks to the technical advances, computers play a pivotal role in many aspects of life, not least educational field. Hence, many people are questioned whether computer use only do good to children to learn more efficiently or have a negative effect on children physical and mental development. It is my opinion that the computer use is either favorable or harmful. The thing is, balancing and/or preventing the negative impact to a minimum should merit the most attention.

First of all, it is clearly seen that excessive use of computers is, undoubtedly, detrimental because it puts children at risk with regard to spiritual and physical health which children require to be a happy, healthy well-being. True saying indeed! This increases the rate of myopia among students spending hours in front of the computers. Plus, regrettably, the excessive use of computer isolates children from outside activities as well as makes them tend to be indifferent to their surroundings and shy of other people. To illustrate my point, they will find it hard to start to make a conversation in a natural manner, which is not required when using computers. Generally speaking, ongoing exposure to computers, for sure, negatively affects their health, not least their communication skills.

Another fact deserved some words here, that is, due to the prevalence of the Internet, thousands of websites whose main themes are violence and pornography are regrettably widespread with the speed of lightning correspondingly. Children, especially ones are too curious, will unintentionally or deliberately at least once try to get access to these unhealthy contents. Accordingly, they are highly susceptible to be obsessed in the long term with these bad effects to such an extent that, worse still; they will attempt to secretly watch these violent, pornographic videos, pictures which are certainly beyond their ages many times again. On the whole, repeated exposure to violence and sex has been pointed out and singled out as a decisive element/ key factor responsible for children’s subsequent criminal behavior.

However, the fact that learning through computers bring benefits should not be denied. Technologies and Internet have created a single world; hence, with only one computer connected to the Internet, one can easily get the entire world in his hand. By this way, he manages to know more about other cultures as well as attend long-distance courses without any cost for commuting. Furthermore, many educational games are scientifically developed , which exert a positive impact on children’s; studies by enhancing their ability to think critically, work in teams, boost English skills, to mention a few. Finally, computers meanwhile provide students an outlet for stress/pressure after hard-working days, also, balance between campus and off-campus life.

From what has been discussed, one can conclude that frequent exposure to computers cause the loss of health and interaction. However, undeniably, children really benefit from computer use in studying. Which matters here that is moderation and the positive intervention from both parents and teachers are determining factors that feature in assessing how good or bad the use of computer has on children. Parents and teachers should join hands to offer children ongoing instructions, limit computer time as well as censor the content of what children can watch.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class
Impossibleme
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Joined: 17 Aug 2012
Posts: 88

Re: bad effects of computers.help me check this essay!/tks .luschen! #2 (permalink) Sat Aug 25, 2012 14:23 pm   Re: bad effects of computers.help me check this essay!/tks .luschen!
 

Hi, I think your essay is very good. You have a very clear structure with a good introduction and good transition phrases and development of your arguments. You do have a few singular/plural problems and some other minor grammatical errors. You also have a few phrases that are not structured quite right and are therefore a bit unclear. Overall though, I would rate this essay a 4 out of 5.

Thuytrangenglish wrote:
27/7/2012
Name: Le Thi Thuy Trang

Topic: Computers do not help children learn more effectively. On the contrary, the use of computers has a negative effect on children physical and mental development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Task:

Not surprisingly, nowadays, thanks to the technical advances, computers play a pivotal role in many aspects of life, not least [the] educational field.{"field of education" is more natural} Hence, many people are questioned whether computer use only do good to children to learn more efficiently{this clause is incorrect - maybe "... use plays only a positive role in helping children to learn more efficiently"} or ha[s ] a negative effect on children['s ] physical and mental development. It is my opinion that the computer use is either[neither] favorable or[nor] harmful. The [key] thing is, balancing and/or preventing the negative impact to a minimum {"preventing to a minimum" is incorrect} should merit the most attention.

First of all, it is clearly seen that excessive use of computers is, undoubtedly, detrimental because it puts children at risk with regard to spiritual and physical health which children require to be a happy, healthy {"require health to be healthy" is redundant} well-being.{"be a well-being" is incorrect} True saying indeed! This increases the rate of myopia among students spending hours in front of the computers. Plus, regrettably, the excessive use of computer[s ] isolates children from outside activities as well as makes them tend to be indifferent to their surroundings and shy of{"with" or "towards"} other people. To illustrate my point, they will find it hard to start to make a conversation in a natural manner, which is not required when using computers. Generally speaking, ongoing exposure to computers, for sure,{"for sure" sounds too informal here - say "surely" or "indubitably"} negatively affects their health, not least their communication skills.{this makes it sound like communications skills are a subset or part of health}

Another fact deserve[s ] some words here, that is, due to the prevalence of the Internet, thousands of websites whose main themes are violence and pornography are regrettably widespread with the speed of lightning correspondingly.{this last phrase sounds very awkward - "spread with the speed" would be correct, but leave off correspondingly} Children, especially ones [who] are too curious, will unintentionally or deliberately at least once try to get access to these unhealthy contents.{"this unhealthy content" is more natural} Accordingly, they are highly susceptible to be[coming] obsessed in the long term with these bad effects to such an extent that, worse still; they will attempt to secretly watch these violent, pornographic videos, pictures which are certainly beyond their ages many times again. {"many times again" is unclear - do you mean many times their age? or that they will watch the videos again?} On the whole, repeated exposure to violence and sex has been pointed out and singled out as a decisive element/ key factor {either would work here} responsible for children’s subsequent criminal behavior.

However, the fact that learning through computers bring[s ] benefits should not be denied. Technologies and [the] Internet have created a single world; hence, with only one computer connected to the Internet,{this sounds a bit like there is only one computer in the whole world connected to the internet - I would rephrase it} one can easily get the entire world in his hand. By this way, he manages to know more about other cultures as well as attend long-distance courses without any cost for commuting. Furthermore, many educational games are[have been] scientifically developed , which exert a positive impact on children’s; studies by enhancing their ability to think critically, work in teams, [and] boost English skills, to mention a few. Finally, computers meanwhile provide students an outlet for stress/pressure {stress is better here} after hard-working days, [and] also [provide] balance between campus and off-campus life.{although it is not clear to me how they do this - it seems like this is not self-evident and might need some explanation}

From what has been discussed, one can conclude that frequent exposure to computers cause[s ] the loss of health and [social] interaction. However, undeniably, children really benefit from computer use in studying. Which matters here that is {"What matters here is that"} moderation and the positive intervention from both parents and teachers are determining factors that feature in assessing how good or bad the use of computer has on [affects] children. Parents and teachers should join hands to offer children ongoing instructions, limit computer time as well as censor the content of what children can watch.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 7032
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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