TOEFL essay sample: Describe the characteristics that...

[Kiary]

good morning Alan, it's the first time I come in this forum. I would like to have a general evaluation of my text. Do you think that I could have a score of 25 at the iBT TOEFL Test? (max score for writing = 30) thank you very much. My text:

TOEFL essay sample

This essay is going to talk about the better profile which we shouldn’t have to be successful.

But thinking at this topic I’ve just had my first reflection: what does successful mean? My opinion is that we can be successful in work life or be successful in the simple life of every day, for instance a mother that everyday takes care of her kids it a successful woman.

The problem is that in the majority of brains the word “successful” is directly linked to the work life. It’s for this reason that in the following paragraphs I’m going to reflect about this kind of success.

There isn’t a special way to achieve this kind of success, for the reason that intelligence and personality are not the key ingredients to get success. After this quality it’s convenient to have the opportunity to study, and one time that a student have finished to study he should also be lucky to live in a country where there is the opportunity to have a good job, lucky to have some goods relations, because often it’s useful the help of someone who is already in the high places, lucky to be able to communicate his own personality and others numerous points.

For example in south of Italy there are universities but work places are absent, therefore many people leave their native region with the object to find a job, where for them it’s more difficult to adapt, and consequently more difficult to make carrier.

There is also discrimination in the world of work, the classic example is the women’s or foreigner’s discrimination, but often there is the presence of other little differences which create discriminations. For instance a not good looking person have much more difficulty to find a good job. Appearance it’s unfortunately an important quality to make easier the job research.

An other important point it’s that there are some peoples who make carrier thanks to their ability to second their own chef or other histories like this commons all around the world.

In conclusion, I just would like to say that the way which get to success it’s long and difficult, and it’s hard to determinate the ideal characteristics, it’s more simple to noun the helpful ones, like intelligence, beauty or other principal and known qualities.

[Alan]

Hi,

I can only give you suggestions on what you have written. I don't give marks. The suggestions are in CAPITAL letters: