TOEFL essay sample: You have received a gift of money

[Blago]

TOEFL essay sample

Essay topic

You have received a gift of money.The money is enough to buy either a piece if jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend.Which would you buy?Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

If I had received a gift of money I would buy tickets to the concert I wanted to attend. The concert is one-of-a-kind, it involves bringing somebody else with me and it is an event not related to other things.

First, I will make clear the last reason. If I like a piece of jewelry very much I need to match it with the way I dress, other pieces of jewelry and my overall style. I personally do not wear any kinds of jewelry so I have nothing to wear it with. On the contrary, if I want to go to a concert, because my favorite band is in town I do not need to be an absolute fan or to have any other experience of the same kind. I just make the decision to go, do so and enjoy.

Second, the experience of going to a concert can be shared. It is said that I can afford to buy tickets, so I can bring someone else with me. This is very important to me, because I hate to do stuff alone. This way we can share our impressions afterwards and enhance the pleasure of the whole event. This is a very strong reason for me to choose the concert.

Finally, there is the consideration of the fact that the concert is one-of-a-lifetime event. For instance, if Eminem comes to Bulgaria this might be my only chance to attend one of his concerts. On the opposite the piece of jewelry might be bought later or a similar one can be ordered.In a way the concert is more unique than the piece of jewelry, so it is better to take advantage of the opportunity.

In conclusion, I prefer to buy thickets to a concert because I think it is more pleasurable, more one-of-a-kind and simply because I do not wear jewelry.

[Yankee]

Hi Blago

I've made some suggestions in your essay. The words in CAPITAL letters are my suggestions for improving your choice of words. Anything in [brackets] should be deleted.

If I had received a gift of money I would buy tickets to the/A concert I wanted to attend. The/A concert is one-of-a-kind, it involves bringing somebody else with me and it is an event not related to other things.

First, I will make clear/EXPLAIN the last reason. If I like a piece of jewelry very much, I need to match it with the way I dress, other pieces of jewelry and my overall style. I personally do not wear any kind[s] of jewelry so I have nothing to wear it with. (Comment: I don't understand the logic of the previous sentence.) On the contrary/ON THE OTHER HAND, if I want to go to a concert because my favorite band is in town, I do not need to be an absolute fan/THEIR BIGGEST FAN, [or to have]/NOR DO I NEED any other experience of the same kind. I just make the decision to go, do so and enjoy.

Second, the experience of going to a concert can be shared. [It is said that I can afford to buy tickets, so I can bring someone else with me.] This is very important to me because I hate to do stuff /THINGS alone.[This way we can share]/ATTENDING A CONCERT WITH SOMEONE ELSE MEANS our impressions CAN ALSO BE SHARED afterwards, [and] enhancING the pleasure of the whole event. This is a very strong reason for me to choose the concert.

Finally, there is the consideration [of the fact] that the concert is one-of-a-lifetime/A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME event. For instance, if Eminem comes/WERE COMING to Bulgaria, this might be my only chance to attend one of his concerts. On the opposite/IN CONTRAST, the piece of jewelry might be bought later or a similar one can/COULD be ordered. In a way the/A concert is more unique than the/A piece of jewelry, so it is/WOULD BE better to take advantage of the CONCERT opportunity.

In conclusion, I WOULD prefer to buy thickets/TICKETS to a concert because I think it is/WOULD BE more pleasurable, more one-of-a-kind/UNIQUE and [simply] because I SIMPLY do not wear jewelry.

Amy
_________________
Amy
.
ESL teacher, translator, and a native speaker of American English

[Blago]

Thanks a lot. I normally stick to things that I am sure about , but I've decided to try a bit more informal style. It is obviously not a good idea. Thanks again!

[Yankee]

Hi Blago

One of the things I tried to do with my suggestions was to separate sentences where concert tickets and jewelry were referred to in general versus sentences where you referred specifically to the theoretical situation.

So, for example, if you write about "a concert", you're talking about concerts in general (you most likely need simple present tense to talk about general facts.) But referring to the concert in this text points directly to the theoretical situation (conditional forms needed --- and used even in informal styles).

Amy
_________________
Amy
.
ESL teacher, translator, and a native speaker of American English