TOEFL® essay sample: Some people are well organized, while...

[Mister Micawber]

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"Support you’re response with specific example"-- Well, I see that you have copied the same spelling mistake as everyone else in this sentence, Pghai. Can you find it?

I have underlined some problem areas below.

What is the meaning of being well organized? Well organized means be proper,elegant and be specific [These are the wrong adjective choices] in your work.I am always an organized person in my work.
This quality of being organized always help me in every walk of life. For instance [wrong phrase choice], when i was in school, I was not at all an organized person. At the time of exams, I was never able to complete my syllabus [wrong word choice] but later on in college, I started taking proper notes. I also made a timetable for studies and ultimately i got very good marks in college so being organized not only develop the confidence in you but some special qualities like punctuality,tidiness and discipline etc
When the man is well organized, he can also save his valuable time. For instance, when i was preparing for my college exams, i made a time table. in that way i was able to do maximum chapters in minimum time.on the other hand when i was preparing for my school exams, i was not at all organized as a result i was able to do only half a syllabus.so in that way i did not only waste time but also could not able to do the complete syllabus on time.

You have many basic but simple errors which you must correct before you can hope to pass this essay test. Use capital 'I' for the pronoun; leave no space before and one space after a comma, semicolon, colon or full stop; build vocabulary (you used the word 'organized' 8 times, but never 'organize', 'organization', 'structure', 'structured', 'system', 'systematized', 'orderly', 'planned', etc.
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Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Desires]

Hi Mister Micawber,

Thank you so very much for your time, suggestions and corrections.
I will surely keep the points in mind. I myself sometimes thought that I tend to repeat a few words, but its good to know that its not a good habit. I shall take care of it, and also not try to sound too casual in the future.
Yes, you are quite right about the length. Next time I will try to add some general information as well. Thanks a lot for the tips Mister Micawber. They are a real help!

By the way, yeah, we all copied the sentence wrong, I guess it should be:
Support your response with a specific example.

Thanks once again!

[Anuka1991]

Organizing skills are very important for being successful in carrer. Some people argue that the knowldege and education obviously play crucial role in our life while I think that if you are not a good organizer you simply can't arrange things well and therefore will be unable to use the whole experience of life or degrees of college.
Organizing skills should be taught in childhood, while kid's brain still can't understand and realizie things adequatly and needs certain diractions. Parent's should encourage children to make their bads, put the toys in order, and should help them to understand their responsibilities. Using these strategies will definitely help young child develop organizing skills, that I can say from my experience, are useful during the high school years, during college preperatory steps and generally during the life.
As I am a senior at school, I have a lot of projects and activities, and I am also preparing the applicaitons for colleges. I have a huge pile of files and papers and I always try to rearrange and organize them well, that helps me to go over this hard but still amazing "common app." process.
Keeping an "organizer" or notebook-reminder, as I usually call, is rather helpful to manage things. As we, people, living in the 21th century, are always in a rush, it happens often that we might forget to call our relatives, to check our mail, to contact our college counsiler etc. Writing down all the neccessary things that have to be done is usually very helpful.
Without my organizing skills I wouldn't be able to do my job well and perform on a high level at school so I am proud to say that : I am sure I won't go to hell
because I'm organized well
My room is clean
my mind is keen
and I hope this essay
won't make you scream!

[Desires]

Hi Anuka1991,

Organizing skills are very important for being successful in a carrer. Some people argue that the knowldege and education obviously play a crucial role in our life while I think that if you are not a good organizer you simply can't arrange things well and therefore will be unable to use the whole experience of life or degrees of college.
Organizing skills should be taught in childhood, while kid's brain because children's brains still can't understand and realizie things adequatly and needs certain diractions. Parent's should encourage children to make their bads, put the toys in order, and should help them to understand their responsibilities. Using these strategies will definitely help young child develop organizing skills, that which I can say from my experience, are useful during the high school years, during college preperatory steps and generally during the life.
As I am a senior at school, I have a lot of projects and activities, and I am also preparing the applicaitons for colleges. I have a huge pile of files and papers and I always try to rearrange and organize them well, that which helps me to go over this hard but still amazing "common app." process.
Keeping an "organizer" or notebook-reminder, as I usually call, is rather helpful to manage things. As we, people, living in the 21th century, are always in a rush, it often happens that we might forget to call our relatives, or to check our mail,or to contact our college counsiler etc. Writing down all the neccessary things that have to be done is usually very helpful.
Without my organizing skills I wouldn't be able to do my job well and perform on a high level at school so I am proud to say that : I am sure I won't go to hell
because I'm organized well
My room is clean
my mind is keen
and I hope this essay
won't make you scream!

Your essay is well written. I am also studying for TOEFL, so am not a professional, but I pointed out/ made some spelling and grammar corrections above.
• I see that you often use “the” at places where it’s not really required.
• Also, maybe it will help to know where to use that and where to use which.
• I am not sure if the poem in the end is a good idea. Maybe the experts here know better.
• The second sentence, “while I think … degrees of college.”, in my opinion could be written better, not only grammatically, but also making it a little shorter so that your point is better understandable.

By the way, the words in red, I think they might not be required. And the words in bold are my additions. The underlined ones are probably just typing errors.

[Mister Micawber]

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You have made many careless mistakes, Anuka. Please correct your essay according to Desires' suggestions, and also proofread it again, and then I'll take a look at your revision..
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Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's