TOEFL® essay sample: Some people are well organized, while...

[Soni18]

TOEFL essay sample

Some people are well organized, while others are not.
Which kind of person are you?
Support you’re response with specific example

There are many ways of doing thing, but there is only one way to do it correctly.I personally feel working in a organised way is the correct way of doing thing.Therefore,i would always like to work in organized way.
Working in organized way not only reduced stress in life but also helps a person to be more disciplined,confident and eventually successful.

If the work is scheduled , and worked upon on daily basis, then it will not only be accomplised on time but will gaurantee better quality of work too.As it has been rightly said plan your work and work your plan.For instance, when I have to study for my exams I make a schedule for the required subjects ,days and number of chapters to be finished in required time. This way i am even able to handle even hard subjects and finish my revision on time.On the contrary, I have seen students who leave thing for last moments or study in an unorganized way.These kind of students are not only stressed out during exam , but also are more likely to make blunders.
Working in an organized way helps the person to achieve more in small time.This also builts in confidence and encourages him to be successful in every task he/she takes.

Above all this, Working systematically improves the presentation of the work because if worked in unorganized way one will always endup in a chaotic outcomes.I would like to quote an example from my own life. I was given a project to make a vedio cassette on pregnancy and oral hygiene. Along with me, there were 3 more students who had to work on the same project.To start with we first made list of item and money required to finish the project. Each of us was assigned at task to finish.Surprisingly, we not only finished it on time ,but also got the highest grade.
In conclusion, i feel working in organized way is mandatory for a successful person.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a history class

[Mister Micawber]

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Hi Soni, and welcome to English-Test.net. Let's look at your TOEFL essay:

Some people are well organized, while others are not. Which kind of person are you? Support your response with specific examples

-- RULE 1: Be careful! If you cannot even copy the question accurately, then the examiner will have a small opinion of your essay already!

There are many ways of doing things, but there is only one way to do it correctly. I personally feel working in an organised way is the correct way of doing things.Therefore, I always like to work in an organized way.
Working in an organized way not only reduces stress in life, but also helps a person to be more disciplined,confident and successful.

-- I removed two words, would and eventually. Try to avoid words that make your statements weaker, that over-qualify the statements; be strong and direct.

If the work is scheduled , and worked upon on a daily basis, then it will not only be accomplished on time but will also guarantee better quality of work. As it has been rightly said, "Plan your work and work your plan". For instance, when I have to study for my exams I make a schedule for the required subjects, the days and the number of chapters to be finished in the required time. This way, I am even able to handle hard subjects and finish my revision on time. On the other hand, I have seen students who leave things for the last moment or study in an unorganized way. This kind of student is not only stressed out during exams, but also is more likely to make blunders.

-- Most of these errors show lack of care; others show that you need to study the article (a, an, the) a bit more.

Working in an organized way helps people to achieve more in a short time.This also builds confidence and encourages them to be successful in every task they undertake.

-- One way to avoid the he/she problem is to cast the sentence in the plural.

Above all this, working systematically improves the presentation of the work, because if one works in an unorganized way, one will always end up with a chaotic outcome. I would like to quote an example from my own life. I was given a project to make a video cassette on pregnancy and oral hygiene. Along with me, there were three more students who had to work on the same project. To start with, we first made a list of items and money required to finish the project. Each of us was assigned a task to finish. Surprisingly, we not only finished it on time ,but also got the highest grade.

In conclusion, working in an organized way is mandatory for a success.

-- I have deleted 'I feel'; try not to personalize your essay, but make objective statements of opinion or fact. Your conclusion is very weak-- a conclusion should summarize, but also give the reader something beyond to think about.

Your essay structure otherwise is basically good, and the presentation is clear. When you take the TOEFL, be sure to reserve five minutes at the end to review what you have written for simple errors in punctuation, spelling and grammar. Leave one space after each comma and two spaces after each period.
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_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Soni18]

Dear Mister Micawber
thanks alot for your correction.I really appreciate your efforts
with regards

[Aryoseto]

Dear Mister Micawber
I have written about this topic also. Please advise me.
Thank you very much for your help


As we all know types of human behavior, in terms of their way to manage their tasks, is divided into 2 types, organized and not organized. I'm not one of those types, but I'm rather a combination of the two. It depends on the situation.

When I'm in home, which mean in the spare time, I become less organized. I usually put my belongings not in their proper place, and this often makes my room so messy. For instance of my absent-mindedness, I often spend unnecessarily a lot of time for looking my car keys every time I'd like to go out. I cannot seem to care where I put things, hence I'd lose it the time I need it. Books, keys even my money would be scattered all over the house, and angry are a strong word.

However, in the office, doing my works as an engineer, I usually do my work with organized way. I have a lot of works to do, sometime I can change to another task even my previous task hasn't been finished yet, due to the priority of the task. I have an organized way to deal with this. Before I start doing my new task, I must as much a I can to organized all files that related to the task, archiving them into a bundle of paper, tagged with the name of the project, date I have been given the task, and also a brief of description of it about what I have done and what I have to do next. This will be very helpful for me when I want to continue the task later. Imagine that I use my behavior in home in the office. I might be spending unnecessarily a lot of time mending all data and files that scattered on my desk.

Surely, I want to be both organized in home and also in the office in order to do everything more efficiently and thus, saving my precious time for something else worth doing.

[Mister Micawber]

.
I have underlined some problem areas:

As we all know types of human behavior, in terms of their way to manage their tasks, is divided into 2 types, organized and not organized. I'm not one of those types, but I'm rather a combination of the two. It depends on the situation.

When I'm in home, which mean in the spare time, I become less organized. I usually put my belongings not in their proper place, and this often makes my room so messy. For instance of my absent-mindedness, I often spend unnecessarily a lot of time for looking my car keys every time I'd like to go out. I cannot seem to care where I put things, hence I'd lose it the time I need it. Books, keys even my money would be scattered all over the house, and angry are a strong word.

However, in the office, doing my works as an engineer, I usually do my work with organized way. I have a lot of works to do, sometime I can change to another task even my previous task hasn't been finished yet, due to the priority of the task. I have an organized way to deal with this. Before I start doing my new task, I must as much a I can to organized all files that related to the task, archiving them into a bundle of paper, tagged with the name of the project, date I have been given the task, and also a brief of description of it about what I have done and what I have to do next. This will be very helpful for me when I want to continue the task later. Imagine that I use my behavior in home in the office. I might be spending unnecessarily a lot of time mending all data and files that scattered on my desk.

Surely, I want to be both organized in home and also in the office in order to do everything more efficiently and thus, saving my precious time for something else worth doing.
.
_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Darkangel12891]

I also have one, please correct it for me. Thank a lot
TOPIC:
Some people are well organized, while others are not.
Which kind of person are you?
Support you’re response with specific example

In our daily life, there are many ways to make life successful. It is a hard question for me to recognize who I am, however, from my experience; I am also an organized person for many bellowing reasons as follow.
Firstly, especially in my learning field, whenever I plan to do something, I always make a plan to know what I should do and when it is suitable for doing each step of work. I have realized that it much easier for me to solve my works with preparation. In addition, in almost cases, whether I can get best results or not, I also feel excited because I know exactly the way I do, and I do it step by step with my best courage. To illustrate, when I receive the date announcement of my school midterm test, I planed my schedule logically so I knew when I should learn this and when for the others, as the result, I got high math on that test and I prided of what I have done.
Secondly, when I make a date or plan to go camping with my friends, i always list down my needed things to bring with and also search the information from the place that I would visit carefully. I would help me so much, for instances, i had a plan to go camping on a hill and, as the route way, I searched the information and knew that tomorrow would be rainy. Thus, I brought my umbrella with me which help me avoiding from catching rain.
In conclusion, I satisfy with what I have done. Therefore, I must promote it better than I did because I know the benefits I will bring to me in my future life.

[Mister Micawber]

.
I have underlined some problem areas. I have deleted unnecessary words and phrases (marking the place with 'XXX'), so you may have to re-do the sentence structure:

TOPIC:
Some people are well organized, while others are not.
Which kind of person are you?
Support you’re response with specific example

XXX there are many ways to make life successful. XXX I am also an organized person for many XXX reasons XXX.
Firstly, especially in my learning field, whenever I plan to do something, I always make a plan to know what I should do and when it is suitable for doing each step of work. I have realized that it much easier for me to solve my works with preparation. In addition, in almost cases, whether I can get best results or not, I also feel excited because I know exactly the way I do, and I do it step by step with my best courage. To illustrate, when I receive the date announcement of my school midterm test, I planed my schedule logically so I knew when I should learn this and when for the others, as the result, I got high math on that test and I prided of what I have done.
Secondly, when I make a date or plan to go camping with my friends, i always list down my needed things to bring with and also search the information from the place that I would visit carefully. I would help me so much, for instances, i had a plan to go camping on a hill and, as the route way, I searched the information and knew that tomorrow would be rainy. Thus, I brought my umbrella with me which help me avoiding from catching rain.
In conclusion, I satisfy with what I have done. Therefore, I must promote it better than I did because I know the benefits I will bring to me in my future life.
.
_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Darkangel12891]

thank a lot for repairing it,however, can you correct it for me please^^

[Mister Micawber]

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I would like you to try to do that yourself-- that is the learning process.
.
_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Darkangel12891]

Yes, i understand what you mean. How can i surely you will review my essay if i post a new essay again? thank a lot

[Darkangel12891]

i can't understand the SONY18's essay. the question is :which kind of person are you?.but he is not telling who he is, he just mentioned he like organized characteristic and showed it advantages. can you help me?

[Mister Micawber]

.
Sony posted and I responded over 2 years ago.
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_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Desires]

Hi Mister Micawber,

I really liked the way you corrected the essay of other fellow TOEFL students, and suggested areas for improvement.
I would request you to please go through mine as well and give your opinion.

Thanks a lot!

TOPIC:
Some people are well organized, while others are not.
Which kind of person are you?
Support you’re response with specific example

For me, being organized is an abstract term, rather than a relative one. One can be "well-organized" in the sense that the study table is not a mountain full of books; however, if the mind is cluttered up with thoughts and tasks without priorities, would that also be termed, being organized?

I often get confused when I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I then write the stuff down on a sheet of paper, which helps me organize my thoughts. Even for this essay, I first wrote down all my thoughts, before I started typing it out. Hence I consider myself to be an organized person, as far as the tidiness of my mind goes.

On the other hand, sometimes I am just too busy or too tired to put all my notes back to their place at work, or fold my clothes and put them back in the cupboard. In this case I however take care to take out some time at the end of an project to sort all the papers and file them into their files; or to tidy up my room during the weeked (or when I am expecting a visit!).

This leads me to a conclusion that I am quite an organized person, in both abstract as well as relative terms, though with a few slip-ups.

[Mister Micawber]

.
Overall, this is quite well done. It is clearly and straightforwardly written, personable and humorous. The main danger with the essay topics which ask after the writer's personal character, practices, etc, is that the writer tends to be too informal for standard written English, so that s/he must make an effort to keep the register slightly higher than that of conversation. I have noted a few cases below. Also, some corrections in bold.

[The essay question is not to be considered a part of the essay that you write, so in the introduction, you must state a thesis re the question given, e.g. "All of us must organize our lives and activities to some extent, but some people seem to have structured their lives quite meticulously, while others seem to live life on a wing and a promise."]For me, being organized is an abstract term rather than a relative one ['abstract' and 'relative' are not complements or opposites; you need other word choices]. One can be well-organized [no reason for quotes] in the sense that the study table is not a mountain of books; however, if the mind is cluttered up with thoughts and tasks without priorities, would that also be termed, being organized? [Don't ask non-rhetorical questions; rephrase as a statement: "...would not be organized, either...."]

I often get confused when I have a lot of stuff [too casual; rephrase with more formal words] on my mind. I then write the stuff [as above] down on a sheet of paper, which helps me organize my thoughts. Even for this essay, I first wrote down all my thoughts before I started typing it out. Hence I consider myself to be an organized person, as far as the tidiness of my mind goes.

On the other hand, sometimes I am just too busy or too tired to put all my notes back in place at work or fold my clothes and put them back in the cupboard. In this case however, I take care to make time at the end of a project to sort and file all the papers or to tidy up my room during the weekend or when I am expecting a visitor. [If you feel the need to put information in parentheses, then you should not use it at all.]

This leads me to the conclusion that I am quite an organized person in both abstract (?) and relative (?) terms, though with a few slip-ups [Too casual; rephrase].

The word 'tidy' appears too often; when you find that you are repeating a word overmuch, throw in the occasional synonym. As an aid to making such an essay a bit more formal-- and longer-- you should try to incorporate some more general information about, for instance, people's ability to organize, and then use your own practices as examples.
.
_________________
Native English teacher at Mister Micawber's

[Pghai]

hi Mister Micaber,
I am also going to write on the same topic please advise me
thank you so much for your help
Some people are well organized, while others are not.
Which kind of person are you?
Support you’re response with specific example
What is the meaning of being well organized?Well organized means be proper,elegant and be specific in your work.I am always an organized person in my work.
This quality of being organized always help me in every walk of life. For instance, when i was in school, I was not at all an organized person.At the time of exams, I was never able to complete my syllabus but later on in college, I started making proper notes. I also made a time-table for studies and ultimately i got very good marks in college so being organized not only develop the confidence in you but some special qualities like punctuality,tidiness and discipline etc
When the man is well organized ,he can also save his valuable time.For instance, when i was preparing for my college exams, i made a time table. in that way i was able to do maximum chapters in minimum time.on the other hand when i was preparing for my school exams, i was not at all organized as a result i was able to do only half a syllabus.so in that way i did not only waste time but also could not able to do the complete syllabus on time.
In concise,being organized not only saves the valuable time but also develop confidence,discipline,tidiness and punctuality.