Sample toefl® essay: Somethimes and event is going badly, but

[Blago]

Sample toefl essay

Topic : Sometimes an event that seem to be going badly turns well after all. Discuss such an event in your life, using specific details to support your ideas.

Nowadays people are stressed and more and more frequently depressed and desperate. It is all because of events going badly. However, it is true that sometimes an event that seems to be going badly turns out well after all. A such event in my life is when I had an injury after an accident.

To start with, it all happened last year during winter. I was snowboarding with a friend and because I was too eager I did not judged well the conditions of the path were we where snowboarding .It was cold and there was a lot of ice under the snow,a fact that I neglected. It all resulted in a terrible crash into a tree. I broke my shoulder. Despite the pain, I continued to snowboard hopping that everything was going to be all right,refusing to believe that I might have injured myself.

Soon enough,the terrible things started to occur in my mind. Sadly the crash happened the first day of my vacation and I had to stay at the hotel, because the doctor forbid me to snowboard. So I ruined my vacation. In addition, I understood that I might have a terrible deformation of my shoulder. A cosmetic thing,but me being so vain,I cried for a day. I was so mad at myself. I was worried that no girl will like me and that my girlfriend would leave or stay with me for a while from pitty.I was really depressed and scared.

Things turned out well after all. First, I did not write in school for a month and was the center of attention .I loved that. Second, the deformation after a few weeks seemed not so bad. They told me that an operation was possible but not desirable .I have decided not to risk .And third, although I was worried that my girlfriend might leave me,actually, our relationship grew stronger .We are still together and that is one of the main reasons why.

As seen above, sometimes things seem to be going badly ,but eventually everything fits. I believe that people should be more positive and this way the world will become a better place.

[Mister Micawber]

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Hello Blago,

You are lucky that the topic matched such an appropriate incident in your life; you have written an effective essay because you were able to relate the topic to your own experience so fully.

You will lose some points for minor errors, and I suggest that you save at least five minutes at the end of the test period to review what you have written for typographical and other errors.

I have emboldened the areas of mistakes or style problems in your text below; I leave it to you to figure out how to fix them:

Nowadays people are stressed and more and more frequently depressed and desperate. It is all because of events going badly. However, it is true that sometimes an event that seems to be going badly turns out well after all. A such event in my life is when I had an injury after an accident.

To start with, it all happened last year during winter. I was snowboarding with a friend and because I was too eager I did not judged well the conditions of the path were we where snowboarding. It was cold and there was a lot of ice under the snow,a fact that I neglected. It all resulted in a terrible crash into a tree. I broke my shoulder. Despite the pain, I continued to snowboard hopping that everything was going to be all right,refusing to believe that I might have injured myself.

Soon enough,the terrible things started to occur in my mind. Sadly the crash happened the first day of my vacation and I had to stay at the hotel, because the doctor forbid me to snowboard. So I ruined my vacation. In addition, I understood that I might have a terrible deformation of my shoulder. A cosmetic thing,but me being so vain, I cried for a day. I was so mad at myself. I was worried that no girl will like me and that my girlfriend would leave or stay with me for a while from pitty.I was really depressed and scared.

Things turned out well after all. First, I did not write in school for a month and was the center of attention .I loved that. Second, the deformation after a few weeks seemed not so bad. They told me that an operation was possible but not desirable .I have decided not to risk . And third, although I was worried that my girlfriend might leave me,actually, our relationship grew stronger .We are still together and that is one of the main reasons why.

As seen above, sometimes things seem to be going badly, but eventually everything fits. I believe that people should be more positive and this way the world will become a better place.

I fail to see how the world becoming better results from being positive. Please learn to put no space before but one space after a comma, and two spaces after a period.

Good luck on the test.
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_________________
Canadian-American native speaker
who teaches English for a living at Mister Micawber's
ESL cafe: Interview with Mister Micawber