TOEFL® essays: people think they can learn better by...

[Micheal]

Topic : Sometimes people think they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think it is always better with a teacher. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to develope your essay
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Please evaluate my essay by the criterions of ETS:
1*Effectively addresses the topic and task
2*Well-organized and well-developed , using clearly appropriate explainations , examplifications and/ or details
3* Display unity , progression and coherence
4* Display consistent facility the use of language , demonstrating syntactic variety , appropriate word choice, Idiomaticity , though it may have minor lexical or gramatical errors
I just would like to know where I am standing , how weak each criterion is in details
Thankyou in advance
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There is a controversial idea about whether people should have a teacher or not . Some people argue that it is better to learn by themselves because that makes them more creative , forcing them to work independently . However , in my opinion , like many people , it is much better if we study with a teacher . My statement will be supported in three aspects : teachers navigate us in the learning process , teachers an help us to succeed in attaining knowledge in a much shorter time comparing to learning ourselves , teachers can give us the professional skills that we can not get by ourselves
First , a teacher can navigate us through the learning process that it would be hard for us to learn by ourselves . When we try to deal with a problem , at first we try in some ways , and the teacher can give us a hint us that which ways we can’tet the solution , which way we can get the solution . S/he will explain why and this is very important because we will save a lot of precious time compared to learning by ourselves to absorb the same final knowledge . Furthermore , our errors can be correct gradually by the teacher making us more confident to get the final result .
Second , There is a fact that we can learn from teachers in the ways that they solve the solutions , the past experiences , all these are very important because we never achieve if we learn by themselves . For instance , in doing a graduate thesis , If a student try to solve by himself , he may be has to struggle for a long time , and If he is lucky , he could finish his thesis. However the knowledge he is going to get is relatively small comparing to having a teacher and he always wonder “Is that best solution , is that the best way to deal with it , are there other ways “
Thirdly , there are a lot of people who has precious skills in aspects we want to learn even we could not imagine if we are not open minded to learn . On the other hand if we learn by ourselves we are isolated from the useful skills . For instances , a man is about to become a musician . If he learn by himself maybe finally he know how to play music , surely that he is never well-known , and all of his skill he owns can not be sharpened
All in all , I strongly agree that we should have a teacher rather than learn by ourselves because we will instruct , spend our time wisely , as well as we want to have or even be aware the master skills in the areas that we concern

[Alan]

Hi,

I have made some suggestions in CAPITAL letters:

[Micheal]

Thankyou Alan
But it would be nice if you pay attention to the organization as well as devolopment of this essay . And how weak are the aspects compared to the criterions of ETS
1.Effectively addresses the topic and the task
2.Well organized and well devoloped, using clearly appropriate explaination, examplifications or details
3.Display unity , progression and cohenrence

[Alan]

Hi,

My offer on this site, of which I am one of the co-founders, has been and always will be to give suggested alternatives. These can be simple corrections or what I consider to be better choices of vocabulary. I do not offer an appraisal. I suggest that you employ a teacher to do that for you.

Alan
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English as a Foreign Language
You can read my EFL story In short