TOEFL® Essay: work for the company is better or go into...

[Missiontoefl]

Please grade my toefl essay.
Thanks

TOEFL Essay

Essay Topic:
Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. Other people think it is better to go into business for themselves. Which do you think a better? Give reasons and examples to support your response.

Nowadays world is full of opportunities in whatever, you want you can do. But occupation varies from person to person. If one person wants to do a job in a company it is not necessary that another person also wants the same. It can be possible another person wants to do business. Both kinds of occupations have their advantages and disadvantages. That’s why for whatever a person is capable of he or she should do that thing. No matter what the result may be.

A person, who wants to do business, it is necessary that their background should be rich. If background is not rich person should have strength for taking a loan from bank with interest. Business is a challenge, because if you start your new work you are not sure whether your business will increase drastically or not. But it may be possible initially for business to return no profit and increase after sometime. So for doing business you have to have to be a brave person. You should have strength for taking loss. But if a person wants to start with job there is no need of money. A person should be educated and have a patience to do hard work and be a good listener. Sometimes from the first day employee cannot get a higher salary, that’s why he or she should have patience. And sometimes you may have to work at extra time because it’s the need of job and your boss wants. But in business people are free to do work. Whenever they want they can do work. If you did a little mistake, in job it can be possible, your boss get angry on you. But in business you are the boss.

At the end, I would like to say, both have some favourable and some unfavourable things. If I have the opportunity to choose one, I will prefer to do job in a company rather than do business. One reason is if for a long time there is no profit in business that is a big challenge to change the business. This is because it requires too much money and it’s a matter of money. But in a job, if employee sees boss is not in a situation to give a good salary than employee can quit the job. If a person has a capability, it is very easy to gets a new job in a good reputed company. If in a job employee does not like the atmosphere of the company, he or she can change the job. If a person does not want to take the entire load on his or her shoulders, then working for a company is good. In business one has to face all the problems. In business, business men make a lot of money if business goes up. But in doing a job a person has a fixed salary. Therefore, a job man should control on his expenses. Business men can afford whatever they want but not a man who is working in a company.

[Micheal]

Hi Missiontoefl
I did read the essay and I know that you have a abundant vocabulary , but according to my knowlege , you should stand on one side (go into a business or work for a company) to defense your statement when dealing with this kind of topics .
And there must be no contradiction between the body passages with the statement you make in the introductory passage . Can someone make clear this point for me ?
Thankyou

[Missiontoefl]

Hi Alan
Please correct my essay.
Regards