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Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score



 
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Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, Pls Score #1 (permalink) Thu Dec 05, 2013 10:29 am   Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score
 

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children)
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
==================================================

Although, at the first glance, some people may think it is a good idea to force high school students to participate in unpaid community services, because they could learn valuable lessons from humanitarian activities, it neither could be justified nor it is practical. From my point of view, this measure would not be fruited properly due to various flaws of the strategy which are clarified in the following paragraphs.

Firstly, there is no denying that obligation is against the soul of philanthropic activities, It is not morally right to oblige senior students to have contribution to working for charity, enhancing the neighbourhood or instructing kids in sport. It is believed that these types of rewarding tasks should be voluntarily performed.

Secondly, we should think about the efficiency of the measure in advance. Imagine unpaid community service is a mandatory part of high school curriculum. In this milieu, all students may be participated into these actions, but due to their unwillingness for conducting the tasks, undoubtedly, outcome would not be satisfying.

Last but not least in the opposition to this measure is we have to ask why students should do this. It is none of their business to work for charity or train younger generation without earning any money. Instead they have to focus on their academic courses. This is governments responsibility to effectively address this issue. There is definite budget for managing society public services; therefore, a portion of that can be spent to handle these philanthropic works effectively.

In conclusion, one can say making unpaid community services as an obligatory part of high school curricula in not a wise decision, since it would not bring us any acceptable achievement.

TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday?
Naser_Nasr
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 02 Jun 2012
Posts: 44

Re: Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score #2 (permalink) Fri Dec 06, 2013 17:33 pm   Re: Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score
 

Hi Naser, I thought your writing in this essay was very good. I don't think your content was quite as high quality though. Your first paragraph seemed unsupported and your second paragraph seemed to portray a very similar idea. I think including more detailed examples to support your reasons would have been good. As I said, you only had few errors in your writing and your essay was clear and understandable. Probably would rate a 4, but maybe a 3.5 due to the content issues.

Naser_Nasr wrote:
Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children)
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
==================================================

Although, at the first glance,{this is an idiom - "the" would make sense, but is not used here} some people may think it is a good idea to force high school students to participate in unpaid community services,[service] because they could learn valuable lessons from humanitarian activities, it neither could be justified nor it is [is it] {only "nor" uses this format - "and it is", "or it is", but "nor is it"} practical. From my point of view, this measure would not be fruited {"fruited" is wrong here - what do you mean?} properly due to various flaws of the strategy which are clarified in the following paragraphs.{I would leave out this last phrase}

Firstly, there is no denying that obligation is against the soul of philanthropic activities, It is not morally right to oblige senior students {this would be students in their final year of high school or college - is that what you meant?} to [contribute] have contribution to working {or "to make a contribution by working"} for charity, enhancing the neighbourhood or instructing kids in sport. It is believed that these types of rewarding tasks should be voluntarily performed. {this is sort of an unsupported statement - could you give some convincing evidence?}

Secondly, we should think about the efficiency{"efficacy" is better here} of the measure in advance. Imagine unpaid community service is a mandatory part of [the] high school curriculum. In this milieu, all students may be [forced to ] participated into [in] these actions, but due to their unwillingness for[in] conducting {or better, unwillingness to conduct} the tasks, undoubtedly, outcome would not be satisfying. {this seems like the exact same reason as paragraph 1, but at least here you provide some support}

Last but not least[,] in the opposition to this measure is we have to ask why students should do this. It is none of their business {"none of their business" is not quite right here - it means something that doesn't concern you or that you are not supposed to know - better to say "it is not in their best interest"} to work for charity or train [the] younger generation {or "members of the younger generation"} without earning any money. Instead they have to focus on their academic courses. This[It] is government['s] responsibility to effectively address this issue. There is [a] definite{"defined" seems better here} budget for managing society public services; therefore, a portion of that can be spent to handle these philanthropic works {"this philanthropic work" is better} effectively.

In conclusion, one can say making unpaid community services as an obligatory part of high school curricula in not a wise decision, since it would not bring us any acceptable achievement.{this last phrase sounds odd, plus exactly who is "us"?}

TOEFL listening discussions: What did the young man do during his last holiday?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6962
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score #3 (permalink) Wed Dec 11, 2013 14:38 pm   Ielts Task 2, Compulsory Unpaid Community services for students, please Score
 

Dear Luschen,

Thank a million.
Yes I agree that sometimes I cannot come up with new ideas. Thus, I should think more before starting my essay.

Best wishes
Naser_Nasr
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 02 Jun 2012
Posts: 44

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