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IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment



 
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IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment #1 (permalink) Tue Jan 21, 2014 19:41 pm   IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment
 

Hi Luschen,
Kindly rate my IELTS essay on scale of 0-9.

Topic : Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Recently it has been observed that the crime rate across the world is dramatically augmented. It is quite unusual not because of the mounting number of crimes, but due to gradual increase in number of re-offenders. There are many facets to this issue, however, society’s viewpoint toward ex-criminals and innocent convicts are the prime factors. Collaborative efforts with the help of governments and people as well as focused rehabilitation are the viable solutions to tackle this issue.

For one, after completion of their imprisonment, convicts often intend to be a better human being. Nevertheless, it has been found difficult mainly due to society’s way of thinking towards these people. One of my relative convicted in a case of riot and hence incarcerated for a year. After completion of the prison term, his relations with friends and relatives were never restored to normal because of his criminal background. As a result he never had a fair chance to live a normal life and again engaged in similar criminal activities. Hence, it is society’s primary responsibility to treat ex-convicts in impartial manner. So that they can have an equal opportunity to be a better individual.

Additionally, there are many cases where innocent people are imprisoned due to false charges imposed on them. Often these prisoners are accompanied with the hardcore criminals in prison. As a matter of fact, these convicts are often found engaged in serious crimes once they are out of the prison. In order to avoid this, rehabilitation programs and governments’ conscious efforts to reduce the criminal activities by segregating prisoners is crucial.

In a nutshell, it is true that ex-criminals are the one who often commit serious crimes. But this issue can be resolved with the help of sincere and collective efforts from all the elements of society.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student try to do with his next essay?
Jt6112
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 06 Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Location: India

Re: IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishm #2 (permalink) Tue Jan 21, 2014 21:30 pm   Re: IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishm
 

Hi Jt, I thought your writing in this one was very good. Most of your sentences sounded pretty natural and I was not able to find that many errors. But your content in your second body paragraph was not very convincing to me, though maybe it would seem ok to the grader. If so, maybe you could get a band 7.

Jt6112 wrote:
Hi Luschen,
Kindly rate my IELTS essay on scale of 0-9.

Topic : Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Recently it has been observed that the crime rate across the world is dramatically augmented.{"augmented" is not correct here - augmented means something else is making it stronger, also augmented has a positive connotation} It is quite unusual not because of the mounting number of crimes, but due to [the] gradual increase in [the] number of re-offenders. There are many facets to this issue, however, society’s viewpoint toward ex-criminals and innocent convicts are the prime factors. Collaborative efforts with the help of governments and people{"citizens" might be better here} as well as focused rehabilitation are the viable solutions to tackl[ing] this issue.

For one, after completion of their imprisonment, convicts often intend to be a better human being[s ]. Nevertheless, it[this] has been found difficult mainly due to society’s way of thinking towards these people. One of my relative[s was] convicted in a case of riot[ing] and hence incarcerated for a year. After completion of the prison term, his relations with friends and relatives were never restored to normal because of his criminal background. As a result[,] he never had a fair chance to live a normal life and [so] again engaged in similar criminal activities. Hence, it is society’s primary responsibility to treat ex-convicts in [an] impartial manner.{comma} So that they can have an equal opportunity to be a better individual.

Additionally, there are many cases where innocent people are imprisoned due to false charges imposed on them. Often these prisoners are accompanied{"accommodated" or "housed" are better here} with the hardcore criminals in prison. As a matter of fact, these [previously innocent] convicts are often found engaged in serious crimes once they are out of the prison. In order to avoid this, rehabilitation programs {how do you really rehabilitate an innocent person though?} and governments’ conscious efforts to reduce the criminal activities by segregating prisoners is crucial.{this whole paragraph was not that convincing to me - it seemed a little scattered}

In a nutshell, it is true that ex-criminals are the one[s ] who often commit serious crimes. But this issue can be resolved with the help of sincere and collective efforts from all the elements of society.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student try to do with his next essay?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6860
Location: Nashville TN, USA

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IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment #3 (permalink) Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:45 am   IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment
 

Thank you very much Luschen!

In terms of grammatical accuracy, I often find it bit difficult to identify a correct article (a,an,the). There are many rules which are tricky and at times incosistent to get it perfect everytime. However can you please help me to avoid it further ?

Also most of the times 'to' is followed by a base version of the VERB. But at tilmes its not the case. e.g. to tackl[ing] in above essay. Can you please throw some light on it ?

Also, can you please help me in this sentence?

As a matter of fact, these [previously innocent] convicts are often found engaged in serious crimes once they are out of the prison.

Can we also write it as :

As a matter of fact, these [previously innocent] convicts are often found engaging in serious crimes once they are out of the prison.
Jt6112
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 06 Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Location: India

IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment #4 (permalink) Wed Jan 22, 2014 16:18 pm   IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment
 

Jt6112 wrote:
Thank you very much Luschen!

In terms of grammatical accuracy, I often find it bit difficult to identify a correct article (a,an,the). There are many rules which are tricky and at times incosistent to get it perfect everytime. However can you please help me to avoid it further ?

Yes, articles are probably one of the toughest grammar topics for non-native speakers. Probably because we use so many of them! Pretty much every singular countable noun that is not identified by "this" or "that" or "every" or a possessive has to have one. Plural nouns are a bit more complicated. For instance, above you could have said "housed with hardcore criminals in prison" - it works with our without the "the". Here are some good resources, though a lot of it just comes from reading a lot in English

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/
http://linguapress.com/grammar/article-in-english.htm


Also most of the times 'to' is followed by a base version of the VERB. But at tilmes its not the case. e.g. to tackl[ing] in above essay. Can you please throw some light on it ?

In that sentence, "to" is not part of an infinitive, it is a preposition. For the object of a preposition, the "ing" form is always used. Imagine if the phrase was "there are many solutions to the problem" Here it is clear the "to" is a preposition. Your phrase is similar, but "tackling" is used as the object.

Also, can you please help me in this sentence?

As a matter of fact, these [previously innocent] convicts are often found engaged in serious crimes once they are out of the prison.

Can we also write it as :

As a matter of fact, these [previously innocent] convicts are often found engaging in serious crimes once they are out of the prison.

Yes, I think "engaging" might actually be better. After "are often found", if the verb is a continuing action, the "ing" form should be used. Like "Dogs are often found chasing cats." But if the verb shows a state of being, the "ed" form is better:
"Cats are often found stuck in trees." Engage is a verb that can show action or a state of being - "I am engaging in this activity." "I am sorry I cannot come to your party, I am previously engaged." But in your context, I think the action form is better.

Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 6860
Location: Nashville TN, USA

IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment #5 (permalink) Wed Jan 22, 2014 16:44 pm   IELTS Essay:Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment
 

Thanks Luschen again! This will definitely help.
Jt6112
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 06 Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Location: India

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