IELTS essay sample: The position of women in society has...

[katat]

Hello, teachers
For preparing the IELTS examination, I decide to practise my writing everyday, but I can't have a teacher to check my writing and give me some suggestion. Fortunately, I find this website.
I will be very appreciative, if anyone could help me to find out what problems of writing I have.
Thanks! ^^

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

my IELTS essay:

Compared with the position of women before 20 years ago, it has a great rise. However, there have problems dule to this changes, such as juvenile delinquency. In my opinion, women can balance the work in home and society to give their children a better education.

On one hand, children need care from their parents, especially, from their mother. However more and more modern women go to work, and they spend limited time taking care of their children. This make the children lack of love from their family, and then cause the children develop some bad habbits that parents didn't correct them in time.

On the other hand, women have right to do what they like to do. This could make them keep in touch with the society, knowing what news the local community have and what the popular things the children like to do recently. In this way, women could have more activity thought than traditional women who stay at home in full time. Therefore they would educate their children better.

To sum up, to have a better quality of life and education for their children. Women should not work outside and don't take care of their children, or stay at home whole day, they should balance the activities they have.

[Alan]

HI,

Compared with the position of women (before) 20 years ago, it has/THERE HAS BEEN a great rise. However, there have BEEN problems dule/DUE to this/THESE changes, such as juvenile delinquency. In my opinion, women can balance the work in home and society to give their children a better education.

On THE one hand, children need care from their parents, especially, from their mother. However more and more modern women go to work, and they spend limited time taking care of their children. This makeS the children lack of/MISS OUT ON love from their family, and then THIS causeS the children TO develop some bad habbits/HABITS that parents didn't correct (them) in time.

On the other hand, women have THE right to do what they like to do. This could make them keep in touch with (the) society, knowing what news the local community have/HAS and what the popular things the children like to do recently. In this way, women could have more activity thought/THOUGH than traditional women who stay at home in full time. Therefore they would educate their children better.

To sum up, to have a better quality of life and education for their children women should not work outside and don't/NOT take care of their children, or stay at home THE whole day, they should balance the activities they have.

A
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Don't bank on it

[katat]

Thanks, Alan ^^