TOEFL essay: If you could change one important thing about your country...

[rya82]

TOEFL essay

According to my view, if i have a chance to change one important thing in my country is to follow cleanliness everywhere.I employ more persons for cleaning the roads,streets and even in shabby areas thereby increasing employment oppurtunities also for persons. Lots of diseases are causing people because of the lack of cleanliness in their area.

And people who go outside always,are facing many difficulties because of using uncleaned toilets (since there is no way for them), crossing dirty pond areas, working near polluted industries etc. These can be changed by cleaning every day and keep the places clean.

We have seen words highlighted in banners in every place as "keep the city clean". If everyone follows the below two procedures we, the citizens of india, can greatly help our country in improving cleanliness:

1. we can keep the city clean by throwing the wastes only in the trashcans in roads.(not in bare places in roadsides carelessly)

2. No spitting in roads and public places.

Once, my friend had a very bad experience.she was waiting for me to arrive at one place near a ditch.She has not noticed that and when i came there i felt a very bad smell of the ditch nearby. I told her to immediately leave the place as it was very dirty. after two days she had severe fever accompanied by malaria. After she recovered from it, she is careful nowadays not to go nearby such places. So, if iam given a chance to change one important thing in my country, definitely i will take measures to clean the dirty places in india.

please evaluate my toefl essay.
thank you

[Alan]

HI,

According to my view,/IN MY OPINION if i /I have a chance to change one important thing in my country is to follow cleanliness everywhere.I WOULD employ more persons/PEOPLE for cleaning/TO CLEAN the roads,streets and even in shabby areas thereby increasing employment oppurtunities also for persons/PEOPLE. Lots of diseases are causing/ARE CAUGHT BY people because of the lack of cleanliness in their area.

And people who go outside always,are facing/FACE many difficulties because of using/THEY HAVE TO USE uncleaned toilets (since there is no OTHER way for them), crossing dirty pond areas, working near polluted industries etc. These can be changed by cleaning every day and keepING the places clean.

We have seen words highlighted in banners in every place SUCH as "keep the city clean". If everyone follows the below/THE FOLLOWING two procedures we, the citizens of India, can greatly help our country in improving cleanliness:

1. we can keep the city clean by throwing the wastes/WASTE only in the trashcans in roads.(not in bare places in roadsides carelessly)

2. No spitting in roads and public places.

Once, my friend had a very bad experience. She was waiting for me to arrive at one place near a ditch.She haD not noticed that and when i/I came there i/ felt/NOTICED a very bad smell of/IN/COMING FROM the ditch nearby. I told her to immediately leave the place as it was very dirty. after two days/TWO DAYS LATER she had A severe fever accompanied by malaria. After she HAD recovered from it, she is careful nowadays not to go nearby/NEAR such places. So, if i/I am given a chance to change one important thing in my country, definitely i/I will take measures to clean the dirty places in India.

A
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story A Rhapsody of Words

[rya82]

hello alan,
thank you very much for the corrections...
thanks
ramya