TOEFL essay sample: You have received a gift of money...

[Cene]

Hi,

I just started to practise the writing/essay section of the test. I will be gratefull for yours corrections/observations/rating of my first essay:

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Although the decision either to buy a piece of jewelry or tickets to a concert may looks a simple one, reasons could be found for each choice. I will discuss this decision process from the perspective of somebody who wants to “buy” a memory with that amount of money, something that will have also a subjective value for me.

A piece of jewelry could be a consistent memory and a nice accessory for somebody who has a penchant for the glamour – and I am that kind of person. For example, I remember the time when I graduated high school and my grandfather gave me a consistent sum of money. I bought then a nice brand-name watch that I wear since then and I’m very proud of it.

But the time when I valued material things is revolute. What I feel as being important in life is the experiences - the new, memorable ones.
This is why I will choose to buy tickets to a concert that I will always remember. A watch or a golden pinstripe can be lost, while a memory will always remain and could be shared with the others. For example, I always dreamed to attend a violin concerto with a virtuoso like Itzak Perlman. I think this will be the wisest investment of the gift of money I received.

In conclusion, even if it may looks ethereal and “fragile”, I will prefer to spend a gift of money on some memorable experience as attending to a concert rather than buying some material things that could be lost of became out of trends.

[Alan]

Hi,

Although the decision either to buy a piece of jewelry or tickets to a concert may looks a simple one, reasons could be found for each choice. I will discuss this decision process from the perspective of somebody who wants to “buy” a memory with that amount of money, something that will ALSO have a subjective value for me.

A piece of jewelry could be a CONSTANT memory and a nice accessory for somebody who has a penchant for glamour – and I am that kind of person. For example, I remember the time when I graduated FROM high school and my grandfather gave me a SUBSTANTIAL sum of money. I THEN bought a nice brand-nameD watch that I HAVE BEEN wearING since then and I’m very proud of it.

But the time when I valued material things HAS GONE. What I feel as being important in life is experiences - new, memorable ones.
This is why I will choose to buy tickets to a concert that I will always remember. A watch or a golden pinstripe can be lost, while a memory will always remain and could be shared with the others. For example, I always dreamed OF attendING a violin concerto with a virtuoso like Itzak Perlman. I think this will be the wisest investment of the gift of money I received.

In conclusion, even if it may look ethereal and “fragile”, I WOULD prefer to spend a gift of money on some memorable experience SUCH as attending a concert rather than buying some material thing that could be lost OR BECOME UNFASHIONABLE.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Womens' Day