TOEFL essay sample: The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide

[Dadimo]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

"I personally disagree with this statement as it seems to me be uttered just to be confute. Travelling in a group led by a tour guide is, to me, a dampener on the enjoyment and experiences that a trip of this kind should provide you with.

Some could argue that a guide can explain to you things, the existence of which you would never have imagined, but I'd rather try and search for these things myself; where is the fun if not in the pursuit of the unknown?

Furthermore, travelling with a guide prevents you from experiencing unique moments which you will remember for the rest of your life.

A prearranged path to follow can be reassuring for some travellers, but rather boring for others."

IS THIS FIRST PART GOOD ENOUGH TO GET A 7 IN THE IELTS TEST OR A CORRISPONDENT GOOD MARK IN THE TOEFL?
THANKS IN ADVANCE

[Alan]

Hi,

I personally disagree with this statement as it seems to me TO be uttered just to be CONFUSING. Travelling in a group led by a tour guide is, to me, a dampener on the enjoyment and experiences that a trip of this kind should provide you with.

Some could argue that a guide can explain things TO YOU, the existence of which you would never have imagined, but I'd rather try and search for these things myself; where is the fun if not in the pursuit of the unknown?

Furthermore, travelling with a guide prevents you from experiencing unique moments which you will remember for the rest of your life.

A prearranged path to follow can be reassuring for some travellers, but rather boring for others."

IS THIS FIRST PART GOOD ENOUGH TO GET A 7 IN THE IELTS TEST OR A CORRESPONDING GOOD MARK IN THE TOEFL?

Alan

There is no point in taking material from the Internet and then claiming you have written it yourself. It is clear that the language in the material you are offering is quite different from the first sentence you wrote, which I assume is your own work.
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Phrasal Verbs/look

[Dadimo]

I have posted the first version of this text ( http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/editing-writing-topics/33990-essay-edit-pleae-help-d.html ) in another forum and the one text you have corrected had been already proofread by a Scot.
I just wanted to see how good his proofreading was.

thanks a lot for your corrections.

[Alan]

I really don't want to be part of any tests you want to carry out. Either post your own material or use another forum.

Alan
_________________
English as a Foreign Language
You can read my EFL story Word Story: Jokes

[Dadimo]

I did not mean to make you part of any test, I just found the corrections on the other forum not so reliable.

Thanks nevertheless