TOEFL Essay: Should fine arts be a part of everyone's education?

[Konstantin]

Hello!
Can you examine my essay and set hypothetical grade? I'm new in essay writing, so indicate the common errors.
Thank you.

Question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Subjects such as art, music and drama should be a part of every child's basic education. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Answer:
During their education period child learn many different subjects. The classes like math, biology and physics, which are considered as basic subjects, help them in understanding the common laws of being. At the same time I suppose that another part of education, which consists of art, music and drama, hasn’t less significance. I suppose it provides possibility of profession’s choice, ability to communicate in any society and the feeling of beauty for everyone.

Child must have a freedom in choosing their future profession. If the basic education consists of many different subjects a children may choose the best one for him. I think there are many average engineers, economists and doctors who would be excellent pianists, painters or poets. How many geniuses are the simple clerks because they only hadn’t appropriate subjects in comprehensive school?

Also, I guess that fine arts give to a person the ability to communicate in any society.
Theater or music becomes the bridge between peoples with different professions. Sometimes you could establish a relationship with successful human, who also likes Monet’s pictures. Sometimes you could read Shakespeare’s poetry and become the party’s hero. Sometimes music could replace tongue.

Art, music and drama form the feeling of beauty, which is the part of everyone’s soul. Man mustn’t forget the ancestor’s heritage. It’s a bearer of high ideals, exciting feelings and eternal beauty. And I guess that child must take emotions not only from contemporary popular culture, but also from great masterpieces of the past.

I suggest that the importance of music, art and drama is equal to the importance of any other subjects. And possibility of profession’s choice, ability to communicate in any society and the feeling of beauty are the considerable reasons.

[Alan]

Hi,

During their education period childREN learn many different subjects. The classes like math, biology and physics, which are considered as basic subjects, help them in understanding the common laws of EXISTENCE. At the same time I suppose that another part of education, which consists of art, music and drama, hasn’t less significance. I suppose it provides THE possibility of THE choice OF A PROFESSION, ability to communicate in any society and the feeling of beauty for everyone.

A Child must have freedom in choosing their future profession. If the basic education consists of many different subjects children may choose the best one. I think there are many average engineers, economists and doctors who would be excellent pianists, painters or poets. How many geniuses are JUST simple clerks because they only hadn’t appropriate subjects in comprehensive school?

Also, I guess that fine arts giveS a person the ability to communicate in any society.
Theater or music becomes the bridge between peoples with different professions. Sometimes you could establish a relationship with successful humanS, who also like Monet’s pictures. Sometimes you could read Shakespeare’s poetry and become the party’s hero. Sometimes music could replace SPEECH.

Art, music and drama form the feeling of beauty, which is the part of everyone’s soul. Man mustn’t forget AN ancestor’s heritage. It’s a bearer of high ideals, exciting feelings and eternal beauty. And I guess that A child must take emotions not only from contemporary popular culture, but also from great masterpieces of the past.

I suggest that the importance of music, art and drama is equal to the importance of any other subjects. And THE possibility of CHOOSING A PROFESSION, ability to communicate in any society and the feeling of beauty are SUBSTANTIAL reasons.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
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