Paragraph: 'It was the night of life and rejuvenation...'

[Tom]

Hi

Not at all wishing to disturb the moderators here all the time, I posted this question somewhere else, but I don't think it was approved of there.


I have translated the following passage from Urdu. Could you please see if it seems/ reads correct and natural? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Mister Micawber]

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Oh, I saw that thread title, Tom, but I thought I would be expected to know Urdu, so I did not investigate it.

It was the night of life and rejuvenation. The whole town was echoing with the thunder of the fireworks. The streets were flooded with people singing and dancing. The firecrackers produced enough light for a bright day. Tonight was the night that lightning traveled from the earth to the sky.

Oblivious to all this, Sara Spike pushed her way through the crowd. The thunder of the exploding fireworks failed to draw any of her attention to the scores of people around her. The only thing she could hear among the deafening noises of the drums, the laughter and screams, and the crackers was her frightened gasping [?]. The hammer blow of the word 'gangrene' had proved strong enough to shatter her whole life into smithereens.
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_________________
Canadian-American native speaker
who teaches English for a living at Mister Micawber's
ESL cafe: Interview with Mr. Micawber

[Yankee]

Hi Tom

I like the suggestions that MM made, but here are a couple of my thoughts:

It was the night of life and rejuvenation. The whole town was echoing with the thunderous noise of the fireworks. The streets were flooded with people singing and dancing. The firecrackers produced enough light to transform the dark into the brilliance of day. Tonight was the night that lightning traveled from the earth to the sky.

Oblivious to all this, Sara Spike pushed her way through the crowd. The thunder of the exploding fireworks failed to draw even a modicum of her attention to the scores of people around her. (But I don't understand the logic of this sentence. Why would the thunder of fireworks be likely to draw her attention to the people around her at all?) The only thing she could hear over the deafening cacophony of drums, laughter and screams, and crackers was her frightened gasping. The hammer blow of the word 'gangrene' had proved strong enough to shatter her whole life into smithereens.

Amy

[Tom]

[Yankee]

Yes, I guess that does happen, Tom.