TOEFL Essay: Immigration - a necessary evil or a true benefit to society?

[Englishuser]

2. Immigration - a necessary evil or a true benefit to society?

Immigration, that is, people settling down in a new country or area, is an old phenomenon. As early as in 8000 BC people moved, trying to find a better place to inhabit. Today, people immigrate for more or less the same reasons as they always did: To find a job and a new, perhaps more prosperous homeland. Some people also migrate for adventure, something which is increasingly popular among young Westerners.

Different people think differently of immigration. Some of us thing we had better close the borders, or at least control the immigration in ways which would disqualify many of those who now succeed in obtaining immigrant visas and work permits. Why, one might ask. Why would it be good to limit the number of immigrants? Many people think that people immigrate solely to obtain social benefits. Very few of us would like to pay for idle people's housing and other necessities given to refugees in many countries. Immigrants rarely have an excellent command of the language of the receiving country, and very often they also differ from the native population in terms of religion and culture. Such differences often give rise to problems, sometimes even to violence. Some immigrants are dishonest in that they move to another country in order to pursue criminal activities such as drug-dealing or terrorism, something that particularly the U.S. government is concerned about.

On the other hand, many people, including me, view immigration as something positive. Through immigration our society becomes culturally more diverse, and cultural diversity and an awareness of cultural differences between people is, I believe, something to be seen as a very positive thing. What is more, many skilled and unskilled workers like to explore the world, and in forthcoming decades Western European nations will be in need of immigrant workers as the population is ageing. The terrorism threat is probably much less prominent than people would think, and besides, most terrorists would not bother to enter a country by legal means in the first place.

In conclusion, it is my dream that the borders be open to honest, hard-working, openminded world-citizens. For the reasons above, I think there are by far more advantages than disadvantages in letting people into a country. There is no doubt that our immigrant population will change all our lives for the better in the long run.

(394 words)

Any comments on the above essay would be appreciated.

Englishuser

[Alan]

Immigration, that is, (MEANING) people settling down in a new country or area, is an old phenomenon. As early as (in) 8000 BC people moved AROUND, trying to find a better place to inhabit. Today people immigrate for more or less the same reasons as they always did: to find a job and a new AND perhaps more prosperous homeland. Some people also migrate for adventure, something which is increasingly popular among young Westerners.

Different people think differently ABOUT immigration. Some of us thinK IT WOULD BE better IF WE closeD OUR borders, or at least controlLED immigration in ways which would disqualify many of those who CURRENTLY succeed in obtaining immigrant visas and work permits. Why, one might ask?Why would it be good to limit the number of immigrants? Many people think that people immigrate solely to obtain social benefits. Very few of us would like to pay for housing FOR THE IDLE and FOR other necessities given to refugees in many countries. Immigrants rarely have an excellent command of the language of the receiving country. Very often they HAVE DIFFERENT religionS and A DIFFERENT culture FROM THE NATIVE POPULATION. Such differences often give rise to problems, sometimes even to violence. Some immigrants are dishonest SINCE they move to another country in order to pursue criminal activities such as drug-dealing or terrorism, something that the U.S. government IN PARTICULAR is concerned about.

On the other hand, many people view immigration AS I DO as something positive. Through immigration our society becomes culturally more diverse and cultural diversity and an awareness of cultural differences between people is, I believe, something to be seen as a very positive thing/GOAL. What is more many skilled and unskilled workers like to explore the world and in FUTURE decades Western European nations will be in need of immigrant workers as the population BEGINS TO AGE. The terrorism threat is probably much less SIGNIFICANT than people would think/MIGHT IMAGINE, and besides/ANYHOW most terrorists would not bother to enter a country by legal means in the first place.

In conclusion it is my dream that the borders ARE OPENED UP to honest, hard-working, openminded world-citizens. For the reasons above I think there are by far more advantages than disadvantages in ALLOWING people into a country. There is no doubt that our immigrant population will change all our lives for the better in the long run.

Alan

You really ought to kick the comma habit!
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story The Name of the Game

[Englishuser]

Hi Alan,

Thank you for your suggestions. At this point I feel I'd like to ask if your goal is to rewrite the entire essay or merely to correct the mistakes. I feel it is important to let the author of the original text use the expressions he or she decided to use: It's supposed to be the writer's not Alan Townend's essay, after all.

Englishuser

[Alan]

Hi,

I think you are exaggerating when you suggest

[Englishuser]

Hi Alan,

I didn't mean to say that I don't appreciate your suggestions. I like many of them, but I think you make some unnecessary suggestions as well. Many of the things I wrote were grammatical and yet you've suggested I change what I wrote.

Englishuser

[Englishuser]

Hi,

1. Celia is girl sweet.

2. Celia is girl sweet/A SWEET GIRL.

As opposed to:

3. Celia is a sweet girl.

4. Celia is a sweet/CHARMING/LOVELY girl.

As you can see, sentence 1 is ungrammatical and therefore needs to be corrected. Sentence 3, on the other hand, is perfectly all right, but somone might prefer using a different word, depending on the context.

I think that the writer has the right to keep his or her piece of writing which means that only absolutely necessary corrections are appropriate. Why change something that people can understand and that makes sense?

Englishuser

[Alan]

Hi Englishuser,

I assume that the little story about Celia is a veiled comment directed at the suggestions I made about your essay. I am quite frankly surprised that you are apparently still smarting about what I said and find the Celia example rather demeaning. Clearly you have a very good command of written English and bearing that in mind my suggestions were concerned more with refinements rather than corrections. If you look back over the comments I have made on dozens of submissons in this particular forum, you will see that I have invariably referred to 'suggestions', which is the only practical way of dealing with the constant flow of contributions. The comments I have made in your case are directed at offering a clearer way of expressing what you have written. Let me cite just three examples of what I mean.

[Englishuser]

Hi Alan,

I just think it's a bit surprising that you find so much to 'correct' in essays that have been edited several times by professional copy-editors (Generation X). I wouldn't be surprised if you'd give many suggestions as to how a Pulitzer prize winner could improve his or her English essays. Perhaps you are going to eclipse Shakespeare with your own essays? Is there anyone in the world who could write a text, post it here, and receive no suggestions or corrections at all from you?

Englishuser

[Alan]

Hi,

Clearly I wasted my time in sending my suggestions and explanations thereof as you have chosen to ignore what I have said. Sadly you have resorted to sarcasm and that is totally unproductive. It means that as far as you and I are concerned it has to be the parting of the ways.

A
_________________
English as a Foreign Language
You can read my EFL story Word Story: Weather

[Englishuser]

Hi,

No, I have not resorted to sarcasm. All I would like to know is if it is possible for anyone to write something that would be so great that even you would not care to submit your suggestions.

Englishuser

[Yankee]

Hi EU

I have just a couple of observations -- I'm not going to comment on everything.

[Englishuser]

Hi Amy,

Only very poor writers normally need to change as many as twenty-five things in a brief essay like this. All I can say is that those who copy-edited Generation X must be rather poor writers themselves, or at least it seems like that now.

I also think it is a bit stange for Alan to claim that someone writes English relatively well if that person then has to make so many changes in their writings. There are only two possible explanations for this, as I see it: Either Alan makes some suggestions that many people would find unnecessary or alternatively those who have marked these essays are semi-professionals who should give up teaching English grammar. Perhaps I should send Alan's suggestions to them direct and ask them why they didn't suggest any changes?

Englishuser

[Englishuser]

Hi,

I should add that I do indeed understand Alan's comments; I just think he is going a bit too far - I feel some things could just as well be left the way they are and I am sure many people would agree with me.

Now that two of you have pointed it out I can see why 'forthcoming' might sound a bit out of place in that sentence. But many people do indeed write 'forthcoming decades'. And some of them are what you'd call expert speakers of English.

Englishuser

[Yankee]

Hi EU

I mentioned that the meaning of the word 'as' in one sentence was unclear. Alan apparently also felt the same lack of clarity about that. I won't pretend to be able to read his mind, but my assumption is that his suggested change in that spot was intended to clarify the meaning and also reflects what he felt your intended meaning probably was.

In the sentence that I had to read a few times, one of the things that made the reading of it difficult was the placement of the word 'particularly'. Alan moved it to exactly the same place I'd have moved it to.

Do you see a pattern here? This is two native speakers picking up on the same things -- even though we speak versions of English from opposite sides of the pond.

I agree that some of Alan's suggestions may be seen more as alternative wording rather than as sorely needed changes. But my question remains: Why not challenge him on the suggestions that you feel were least necessary or understandable and get his specific input about why he made the suggestion?

Since I have no idea who your "copy-editors" are, it's not possible for me to comment about them. What I can tell you is this: If your essays are intended as "sample essays" for some sort of TOEFL preparation course or book, it's entirely possible that the editors are not interested in having "perfect" essays -- they may simply be aiming for or even prefer "good enough" or "advanced-but-not-quite-native". At least that's what I've seen in other reputable test preparation books. Some of the sample essays in BEC Higher, for example, are not terribly good -- even though the grammar and spelling are good and basic rules are followed.

You have already achieved a very high level of English. If you are offended by or not really interested in further input, why post your essays for comment at all?

Amy

[Englishuser]

Hi Amy,

Thank you for the reply.

Like I told you before, I think some of the changes Alan suggested were quite good. Why didn't I "challenge Alan on the suggestions that I felt were least necessary"? Well, I suppose it had to do with the fact I felt Alan as an experienced ESL trainer should have known what there was in the text that really should have been changed. I never imagined he'd change the wording in about every second sentence the way he did.

The texts were indeed written to be used as sample essays. The role of the author and the editor therefore is to furnish students with what you call "good enough essays". The copy-editors who go through the material should all be at least as qualified as Alan is and that's why I think it is very strange if they do not spot the mistakes. I find an approach where the students don't get "perfect essays" problematic since the sample essays are what many students regard as "the standard".

Why do I post essays, then? Out of curiosity, really. I wanted to see what suggestions Alan'd make. I once posted a text written by Nobel prize winner Nadine Gordimer in another EFL forum; surprisingly enough, people wanted to change her wording as well. So I think there is something to it when I say it's quite impossible to write something that each one of us would find "excellent" or "perfect".

Englishuser