TOEFL essay: Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is one percent inspiration...

[Grace]

Dear teacher,

This is my first try of TOEFL ibt writing. I hope you'll help me check it out.
I also have a question: is it ok if I just give one example in my essay but make it very specific instead of raising lots of points and give more examples?
Thanks very much!

Thomas Edison once said,”Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” It obviously puts hard work into a very important place. But what we should also see in this quotation is that hard work is not everything. I definitely disagree as some people say “luck has nothing to do with success”. In my opinion, to achieve success, not only should we have the ability to work hard, we should also need a little bit of luck as well, for luck often gives way to inpiration and opportunity.

As David Huber, the Nobel Medical Prize winner visited my country, he gave a speech on his research life, during which he mentioned that “Scientists need wisdom, luck and courage”. His own experience is the best example to show us luck does have something to do with success, and yet it is an indispensible factor.

When Huber was young, what he was interested was not anything related to school, but dynamite. As he grew older, when he was actually faced with the problem of future career, he hesitated. Everyone around him advised him to choose subjects like math or physics, but deep down, he knew that they were not his choice. Instead, he decided to try one that few people chose—medical. With the simple biological knowledge learned from high school, he steped into this brand new field.

In the beginning, just like any other students in his college, he studied as asked to. He didn’t have any idea what he would be doing in the future even though already in this field. In one occasion, he got to know about a new branch of medical—something to do with the nervous system. He knew that he would get less experience than any other branches if he chose this one. He did, but he still made a decision that seemed risky to others. He chose this specific course as his research study as well as his career. And the fact is, he did pretty well in it.

Moreover, as he mentioned in his speech, he was so lucky to be admitted to a very famous research institute and get to work together with the best group of people. It was then that he started to realize the importance of his work. “Of course, if I hadn’t got any of this luck to be working in this place and with these people, any of what we’ve done would be nothing.”

You see, luck does exists, and it sometimes plays an important part in the process of success. People always say that they need opportunity or inspiration to do something. In this case, luck is the sourse of opportunity and inspiration. Without luck, your hard work may just be a bucket of sweat, but with luck, you may reach a higher place.

[Alan]

Thomas Edison once said,”Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” It obviously puts hard work into a very important place. But what we should also see in this quotation is that hard work is not everything. I definitely disagree as some people say “luck has nothing to do with success”. In my opinion, to achieve success, not only should we have the ability to work hard, we should also need a little bit of luck as well, for luck often gives way to inpiration and opportunity.

As David Huber, the Nobel MediCINE Prize winner visited my country, he gave a speech on his research life, during which he mentioned that “Scientists need wisdom, luck and courage”. His own experience is the best example to show us luck does have something to do with success, and yet it is an indispensible factor.

When Huber was young, what he was interested IN was not anything related to school, but dynamite. As he grew older, when he was actually faced with the problem of A future career, he hesitated. Everyone around him advised him to choose subjects like math or physics, but deep down, he knew that they were not his choice. Instead, he decided to try one that few people chose—medicINE. With the simple biological knowledge learned from high school, he stepPed into this brand new field.

In the beginning, just like any other students in his college, he studied as asked to. He didn’t have any idea what he would be doing in the future even though already in this field. ON one occasion, he got to know about a new branch of medicINE—something to do with the nervous system. He knew that he would get less experience than any other branches if he chose this one. He did, but he still made a decision that seemed risky to others. He chose this specific course as his research study as well as his career. And the fact is, he did pretty well in it.

Moreover, as he mentioned in his speech, he was so lucky to be admitted to a very famous research institute and get to work together with the best group of people. It was then that he started to realize the importance of his work. “Of course, if I hadn’t got any of this luck to be working in this place and with these people, any of what we’ve done would be nothing.”

You see, luck does exists, and it sometimes plays an important part in the process of success. People always say that they need opportunity or inspiration to do something. In this case, luck is the sourse of opportunity and inspiration. Without luck, your hard work may just be a bucket of sweat, but with luck, you may reach a higher place.

Alan
_________________
English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Phrasal Verbs/look

[Grace]

Thanks Alan, I'm gonna take a closer look at it..
but I guess you just help students with their grammar mistakes?

[Torsten]

Hi Grace,

How do you think can Alan help students with their grammar mistakes? Why do you think students make grammar mistakes?
Regards,
Torsten
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Grace]

Hi Torsten,
Thanks for replying me.
I don't know if I get your meaning exactly,but what I want to say is that I think it's better for us to get some comments or advice from different people,especially teachers like you,instead of just finding out what grammar mistakes we have made. Of course the correction of grammar mistakes is a big part of refining our essay,but I'd really appreciate it if someone can also give me some suggestions about the structure and arrangement of the material.
I've noticed that in every post Alan or other teachers replied,he just helped correct the grammar mistakes.Since he has read those articles,why didn't he add some comments as well?
I'm just wondering.

Grace

[Torsten]

Hi Grace,

Many thanks for your speedy response. You've raised a very interesting question. I think most people are interested in themselves and want others to give them feedback on their work instead of studying the work of others and learning from them. What I'm saying is you can wait until somebody tells you what they think about your essay or you can go ahead, read some of the many essays written by other TOEFL candidates and post your feedback. Learning is a process that works both ways and many people think they need to write a good TOEFL essay for the sake of the TOEFL score. They see the TOEFL as the goal. However, the TOEFL shouldn't be your goal but just one of many steps you have to take in order to achieve your goals. So, if you want to practice expression your thoughts in a convincing way you can engage in a conversation with us in other sections of the forum. For example, you can start a discussion on one of your TOEFL essay topics and see how well you can argue with other forum members and moderators. This might be much more effective than creating TOEFL essays for the sake of exam preparation. There is only one single true examination: life itself!

Let me know what you think.
Regards,
Torsten
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Yankee]

Getting a good score on your TOEFL essay is not only a perfectly valid goal but also an understandable one. Having good scores on standardized tests such as the TOEFL, the SAT, the GRE, etc. is an important step towards achieving other goals.

You asked a perfectly valid question in your first post and that question has been ignored. I have to admit that I find it odd that the founders of this website -- a site focusing specifically on tests and test preparation -- would choose to ignore questions from future test-takers and tell you that you should not view a good TOEFL score as a goal. Obviously, though, a good TOEFL score cannot be seen as a primary goal in life.

I have never scored an essay for TOEFL, but my feeling is that an essay could receive a slight deduction if you support your opinion with only a single example serving as your argument. Otherwise, I'd say your essay and its structure are good.

My additional comments would be:
- There are still a few spelling/grammar errors that Alan overlooked. (e.g. luck does exists --> luck does exist, sourse --> source)

- Your use of the word 'as' is a little unusual and I would suggest using 'when' in a couple of cases instead.

- This sentence isn't logical to me:
"His own experience is the best example to show us luck does have something to do with success, and yet it is an indispensible factor."
Instead of using 'and yet', it would be better to use something such as "in fact".

- I liked your expression "just a bucket of sweat" at the end of the essay and that also tied in very nicely with the Edison quote at the beginning.
_________________
Amy
.
ESL teacher, and native speaker of American English

[Englishuser]

Hi Amy,

You wrote:

[Alan]

It's always interesting to know that others are checking these TOEFl essays. As I have said on many occasions in this forum, my suggestions (and over the years they have always been suggestions) are offered in good faith and as far as I know most of the posters have been content with that. But then I don't have a monopoly and anyone can comment further on any aspect of what has been written as they do, don't they in all the other forums?

Alan
_________________
English as a Foreign Language
You can read my EFL story New year resolutions

[Konstantin]

I completely agree with Grace that the essays' discussion is a necessary part of good writing. Alan performs very good and hard job because it's necessary for me in particular to now about common mistakes or morose expressions. But, I believe, it would be very hard for anyone to correct the entire content of all essays. As for me I can't correct the grammar because my language is not quite good. But I'm confident that every vesitor of the forum could give advise about the content and structure. What do all of you think about it?

[Grace]

Hey guys,
I'm back from my school mid-terms--It was really a tough time,but I know I'll soon be distracted by something else.
I'll have to start spending most of my spare time getting prepared for the TOEFL,since my test date is so close.
When will you all take it?

Your correction and my own review of the essays make me feel that it really is different to write with a computer. I mean,I didn't expect to have so many typing mistakes,like adding a "does" without getting rid of the "s" following, but it's good to know I still make mistakes that I can hardly find out. I should say I'm lucky to meet you guys,even though I may have a hard time now,I won't feel awkward when I take the real test,since I still get time to practise.

I understand that it's not easy for a moderator to go through all the essays and post their comments for each. I just feel bad getting no response from anybody,because in that case I won't learn anything. I'll try to read others' essays and leave my words.

But one thing is for sure--we really need to learn from each other.