TOEFL® Essay: Explain one event from your country's history and describe why...

[Sejuti]

hello

I am a new comer here. I am going to seat for toefl on the 9th of june.
I am so worried about the score as my english proficiency is still at the unsatisfactory level. Moreover I dont have much time left to　prepare myself. I am pasting my essay here . Please rate it or give comments atleast so that I can upgrade myself.

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Explain one event from your country`s history and describe why it was important.
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The most memorable and important event of my country is the independence war. We fought against the west Pakistan and after 9 months war we freed our mother land Bangladesh. We are proud for this achievement as we sacrificed 3 million of our people for the birth of Bangladesh, for the freedom of our people.

In 1948, just based on religion , east and west Pakistan was merged to form Pakistan.But east and west Pakistan were too different in culture, in customs and many other ways that, the separation was an obvious. Moreover, the west Pakistan dominated the east in many ways …. economically, politically, culturally. There was significant discrimination in jobs, in social positions. No east Pakistani got higher rank in national army core or government departments. We did not even have the right to make decision of our own. They even cheated with us in different ways. For example they took the raw materials from east at about no cost , made the finished product in west and then they sold that product in our market at a high price. They even took away money from the banks and companies of east Pakistan.

The east pakistanies were getting angry because of all these mistreatments , but they burst out into anger when the west Pakistan took away the right of mother tongue from east Pakistan in 1952. People of east sacrificed their lives to establish the honour of their language. In 1971`s election candidate from east Pakistan won majority of votes but the west did not hand over the power. Instead they cruelly attacked east on the 25th march,71.

All people of east Pakistan joined into the war, even the people who never fought, never got an army training, even the women the children, who never think of hurting someone.Many went to India ,got army training and fought strongly against west.

At last on the 16th December, 1971 , the west Pakistan surrendered and we got our country. This golden victory remains as our golden memory and the most unforgettable event and will be for ever.

[Sejuti]

Alan

Would you please check it?

[Alan]

The most memorable and important event IN THE HISTORY OF my country is the independence war. We fought against west Pakistan and after 9 months OF war we freed our mother land Bangladesh. We are proud OF this achievement as we sacrificed 3 million of our people for the birth of Bangladesh, for the freedom of our people.

In 1948, just based on religion , east and west Pakistan wERE merged to form Pakistan.But east and west Pakistan were too different in culture, in customs and many other ways that the separation was an obvious. Moreover, west Pakistan dominated the east in many ways …. economically, politically, culturally. There was significant discrimination in jobs, in social positions. No east Pakistani got A high rank in THE national army core or government departments. We did not even have the right to make decisionS ON our own. They even cheated with us in different ways. For example they took the raw materials from THE east at about no cost, made the finished product in THE west and then they sold that product in our market at a high price. They even took away money from the banks and companies of east Pakistan.

The east Pakistanies were getting angry because of all these mistreatments , but they burst out into anger when west Pakistan took away the right TO USE THE mother tongue from east Pakistan in 1952. People of THE east sacrificed their lives to establish the honour of their language. In THE 1971 election candidateS from east Pakistan won A majority of votes but the west did not hand over power. Instead they cruelly attacked THE east on the 25th march,71.

All THE people of east Pakistan joined in the war, even the people who HAD never fought, never got anY army training, even the women the children, who never think of hurting ANYONE.Many went to India ,got army training and fought strongly against THE west.

At last on the 16th December, 1971 , west Pakistan surrendered and we got our country. This golden victory remains as our golden memory and the most unforgettable event and will be for ever.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Phrasal Verbs/bring

[Sejuti]

Alan,thanks a lot.