TOEFL Essays: People attend college or university for many different reasons

[Takashi Kaneda]

I would appreciate it if anyone evaluate my essay.

Q:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

A:
I think it is not always necessary for many people to attend college or university. But in fact, many people enter uniersity, or intend to enter one. I think that there are three reasons which are to get more carrer opportunity, to earn more salary, and to meet more people.

Through attending university, we can improve carrer opportunity. In many work, any degree is required. For instance, I want to work at international organization in the future to help disadvantaged people. But to work at international organization, it is need to take BA, MS or Ph.D degree. In other wards, I can get opportunity to work there through attending university.

Secondly attending university, they can get more salary. In statistics class, I investigated the relation between salary and education to apply statistical method. And I got the valid consequent that there are clear relation between salary and education. The higher education they receive, the more salary they earn.

Finally I strongly point out that there are many chance to meet various people in university. For example, in my university there are many foreign students from China, US, Thai, and so on. I often talk with them, feel cultural differences, and think unconscious way of thought behind culture. I spent very precious time. But if I would not attend university, it is difficult to meet such people.

In consequent, I think that the reasons why people attend university are to get more carrer opportunity, to earn more salary, and to meet more people.

[Alan]

I think it is not always necessary for many people to attend college or university. But in fact, many people enter uniVersity, or intend to enter one. I think that there are three reasons which are - to get more carEer opportunity, to earn more salary, and to meet more people.

Through attending university, we can improve carEer opportunity. In many TYPES OF work, any degree is required. For instance, I want to work at AN international organization in the future to help disadvantaged people. But to work at AN international organization, it is NECESSARY to take A BA, MS or Ph.D degree. In other wards, I can get THE opportunity to work there through attending university.

Secondly attending university, they can get more salary. In A statistics class, I investigated the relation between salary and education BY applyING A statistical method. And I got the valid consequenCE/RESULT that there IS A clear relation between salary and education. The higher THE education they receive, the more salary they earn.

Finally I WOULD strongly point out that there are many chanceS to meet various people in university. For example, in my university there are many foreign students from China, US, Thai, and so on. I often talk with them, feel cultural differences, and AM AWARE of thought behind THE culture. I spent A very precious time. But if I DID not attend university, it WOULD BE difficult to meet such people.

In consequenCE, I think that the reasons why people attend university are to get more carEer opportunity, to earn more salary, and to meet more people.

A well argued piece

Alan
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English as a Second Language
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[Takashi Kaneda]

Thank you very much!
I appreciate your kindness!