TOEFL® essay writing: Physical exercises

[Proalyssa199]

Some people say that physical exercise should be a required part of every school day. Other people believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion on do you agree with?

Some people think that physical exercises are very arduous, so it will be consequently a waste of time to students. Nevertheless, physical exercises have many advantages and I assure that without them, students cannot develop fully and adequately.

The most important point I bear in mind is that the improvement of a person must include both mental and physical matters. Mental matters are students’ knowledge and conduct, while physical matters are the development of body, strength and health. Vietnamese people often say: “A conscious mind in a healthy body”, which means that physical and mental matters should go hand in hand with each other. Therefore, physical exercises help students keep healthy and attentive as well as stimulate them to work with more gusto.

Next, it is by means of doing physical exercises that students can relieve stress from their studying. When exercising, their hands, legs, necks, muscles, etc, also exercise, along with the regular breath of fresh air, their mind can absolutely be emancipated from the pack of assignments they have taken or a huge number of theories that they have learned. If not, they will indisputably go mad after studying incessantly!

Nowadays, the number of corpulent people has gradually increased, especially in modern cities and countries. Obesity is hailed as an illness, and has been claimed to do harm to our health. Considering that, students should be emboldened to do physical exercises when they are young for the sake of not only their health but also their activeness. Doing exercises is widely suggested by many physicians, and so far it has proved itself for the optimistic outcome.

In most Vietnamese schools, physical education is compulsory and exercises have been designed suitable for students. Academic studies cannot be effectual without physical tasks, so every student should spare time for them so as to permanently keep “a conscious mind in a healthy body”.

[Diverhank]

Proalyssa, you write very well in English. If I may suggest, however, remember this is an essay and you need to have an introductory paragraph, a body and a conclusion. In my opinion, your introduction and conclusion need to be clearer. Also you tend to repeat your points in the body - like the 3rd paragraph can be deleted completely without hurting your essay.

[Proalyssa199]

Hi diverhank
I always include 3 parts in my essay, but maybe I didn't state my points clearly. I'm trying to write essays in 30 minutes to prepare for my TOEFL test, so I didn't take much time proofreading before posting them here.
Thanks a lot for commenting on my essay. I'll take your advice.

[Diverhank]

You wrote that in 30 minutes? Very impressive . I hope you won't take offense