TOEFL® essay: When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck is nothing...

[Jinnie]

Topic 5: “ When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck is nothing to do with success.”
Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

My writing:

Anyone who has watched the way MU won the championship in 2006-2007 season can’t deny that luckiness played an extremely important role in their success. But luckiness doesn’t go to an incapable individual. So I do agree with the statement: “when people succeed, it is because of hard work and luck is nothing to do with success” for several reasons.

I can acclaim that hardly can anyone succeed without luck, but the most vital factor in their success is their hard-work. We can’t depend too much on luck beacause luck is god-given, we can’t choose or determine. Moreover, we aren’t be able to be lucky all the time. In other words, god doesn’t always support us. So if we do nothing but waiting for luck, we will have to receive failure.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that work-hard brings many good things to ourselves. There is a proverb saying that I like very much: “ No pain, no gain”, which usually encourages myself to try my best. At the first attempt, we can fail and the second time, so on, however, after a failure, we can get more and more experience, which is very useful for our future. For instance, I participated in a speaking contest last year and I was very confident that I would win the prize. In fact, I failed from the second round. Aftermath, I have drawn a lesson for myself : Don’t be overconfident, Just try your best. As a result, in the contest of this year, I’ve won the third prize.
One more example, let’s have a look at Italia football team at World Cup 2006 tournament. Their football system was in such a difficult condition at that time, nonetheless, they won the highest position the football field of the word. Was it just a luck? Nobody can agree with it, the achievement was the consequence of their hard-working. Because of their solidarity and ability, they deserved to achieve this success and luck played only a minor part in it.

In conclusion, luck is something that can help people to reach their goal but we shouldn’t base everything on it. Our fates are in our hands, therefore, all of us should try my best to succeed. Hard-work can help our dreams come true.

can you have detail comments for my writing about the idea, the grammar, the way I express my opinion, etc. Thank you very much!

[Winton]

hi, i am winton, i'm a new comer, i write this to give you some comments on your writing, whisper you that i am also an english student, i dont know whether my comments are helpful or not.
as you see this is an easy topic, isn't this? so on the whole you are writing what i think really need in the real toefl exam, but there also be some tiny mistakes that i want to remind you, i will show your mistakes through the extract.
"So if we do nothing but waiting for luck, we will have to receive failure." this sentence can be better my friend, you can write that: therefore, if we do nothing but to wait for luck, we certainly will receive failure.
"Their football system was in such a difficult condition at that time, nonetheless, they won the highest position the football field of the word. Was it just a luck? Nobody can agree with it". you can write like this: <at that time, their football team's situation was not ideal to be able to win any position in the game, but what they did in the game was an amazement to all the spectators, they've got themselves in the highest and honorable position. could it be just a luck? absolutely not>.
"Because of their solidarity and ability, they deserved to achieve this success and luck played only a minor part in it. ", i think this sentence is in trouble with expression, i know what you mean, but to express in this way will really spoil the end of your writing.
once again, i want to say that i dont know whether my comments are helpful or not, i just hope to be able to exchange english with you, to make us better, ok?