TOEFL® essay: Some people believe that university students should be required...

[Quan11287]

Some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students. Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

People have long debated on whether or not students should be compelled to attend classes. In my opinion, class attendance should be optional for them.
One of the reasons for that is the self-study ability of university students. The purpose of higher education is making students qualified enough to receive qualifications. If a student can self-study to pass all the required exams, he is qualified. With all the materials available on the Internet and library, a student can do so actually. Therefore, he doesn’t necessarily attend classes. In higher education, people should focus on the result rather than the process. Thus, the importance is not how they do everyday at classes but how they perform in the exams. In short, attending classes regularly shouldn’t be compulsory for students.

In addition, students may spend time gaining experience since they are still at school. The competition in the job market is getting fiercer and fiercer. If students have only academic knowledge got from classes, they will definitely fail in the race for well-paid employments. On the contrary, with practical experience collected from part-time jobs and other work, students could get the upper hand in seeking good jobs. I still remember a girl of my brother’s university class who attended classes regularly, reading all the textbooks carefully. After graduating, she barely managed to find a modest job. Conversely, my brother, with practical skills and experience from his part-time jobs, easily gained a good position in a bank. After all, spending time wisely working during their time at university can facilitate graduates at their beginning in the career.

Finally, students are already adults. As adults, they should hold responsibility for what they do. Students are no longer children for educators to force them sitting in classes obediently. If they find it unnecessary to go to classes, they could stay at home or do something else. Then if their academic achievements get worse, it is their fault. Generally, at university, students have to learn how to live independently and responsibly. Thus, they should be allowed to decide whether or not they attend classes regularly.

All in all, as adults with responsibilities and challenges waiting for them in the future career, students ought to choose the way to study at university themselves. Hence, I agree class attendance should be optional for them.

[TOEFLnIELTSLisa]

Hi,
A couple of things you might want to have a look at. Vocab: wow! Some of your advanced vocabulary is British usage, but they can't claim it's wrong.

One of the points they check for scoring is structure. I.e. there's an introduction that explains what the essay's about and how it's organized. Supporting ideas are separated in identifiable paragraphs. This doesn't make for captivating reading, but it's cookie cutter school style and seems to be what they give a point for, so, why not.

Maybe add something like this after your first sentence (see below).
Class attendance does not guarantee qualification. <first idea> Furthermore hands-on experience gained outside of school while studying may prove vital for later career development. <second idea> As adults students should be trusted to make reasonable choices. <third idea> These are the key ideas my opinion is based on. <YAWN! >

"One of the reasons.." introduces your first supporting idea or is this still part of the intro? Put a paragraph break before it to make it your first supporting paragraph and add a sentence or two to beef up your introduction. (see above) Unless you are really strapped for time when writing you can fit those in once you've written the supporting paragraphs to match what you've put there.
The last sentence of that paragraph sounds more like a closing. Check if it won't fit better there.

No "on" needed with debated (it's a verb here, not a noun)
making students qualified enough to receive qualifications (huh?)
purpose ... to qualify students for their respective degree levels.
"a student ...he or she is qualified. " otherwise there might be a feminist scorer who will ding you. (I didn't include all the others places where you had just "he", but you'll know where)
"and in the library"
"can actually do so" the "so" is a bit far from its reference, but I'd say it's still o.k.
"Therefore, he doesn’t necessarily attend classes." Either "therefore" is off or you meant "doesn't necessarily have to attend" or "it's not necessary for him or her to attend".
"the importance is not on" try to avoid such noun driven sentences > "The central issue is not how..."
"do in class every day" everyday= ordinary/ common, every day = each single day
Since you are going to go to the U.S.: We use "the" a lot more sparingly than the Brits. You are not talking of any specific exams here, but exams in general. If in doubt use personal pronouns "their exams".

"...since they are still at school." ?? "while" since = because in school/at a university
" Competition in the job market" see above the job market is a specific market, but competition is not a specific competition.
"fiercer and fiercer" indicates a continuing process, that's why I'd say "keeps getting" you might want to use "progressively fiercer" or "progressively more fierce" (the last version is U.S. usage, but following the grammar book rules it should be fiercer, so you might not want to risk "more fierce" and find ETS doesn't agree}
"got from" "gained in" or better "acquired in"
"employment" no plural -s
"On the contrary" = the opposite is true >
The sentence before state students with class based knowledge only, will fail.>
"On the other hand" or "in contrast"
"get/gain the upper hand" would indicate a conflict "a step ahead" maybe? or "a foot in the door" (sorry, too tired to find a good one for you there)
"a girl in one of my brother’s ..classes ... attended class ... all her textbooks...
"facilitate graduates' start into a career" facilitate s.th. not s.o.
"for educators to force them sitting in classes obediently" this is not English syntax "for educators to force/be forcing them to obediently sit in class." still sounds awful "They are no longer children whom educators may force to obediently sit in class."

"If they find class attendance unnecessary, they could stay at home or do something else."
an achievement can not get worse "If they are rewarded with fewer achievements..."
"whether or not to attend" or "whether or not they wish to attend"

"in the future career" >> "in their future careers"
"I agree with those who say class attendance should be optional for university students." Your topic offered both pro and con, so you can not just say "I agree" like in the kind of topic that says "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement..."

Hope this helps,
Lisa

[Quan11287]

Dear Lisa,

Thank you very much for your help. You are really a great moderator. I will continue to write and post my essays here. I hope you will keep helping us with our pieces of writing.
By the way, could your please help me clarify forms of TOEFL writing topics so that I can get to know how to organize my ideas ?

Sincerely,

Quan