TOEFL® essay: Describe one event from your country's history and explain why...

[Vuralorion]

hello. here is my essay. could you please score it over 30. the essay has been written in 30 minutes just like how should be in examination. thanks.

Describe one event from your country's history and explain why it was important. Provide clear explanations and details in support of your answer.

In 1453, Istanbul were counquered by Sultan Mehmet and Turks became the new permenant inhabitants of Anatolia while Greeks and Christians were forced to retreat to Europe after a domination of almost 1500 years. I will point out the outcomes of the Conquer of Istanbul both wordwidely abd nationally.

The conquer of Istanbul is an important event for Turkish history and community. Just after he conquered Istanbul, Sultan Mehmet has been given the title of "Fatih (Conquerer)" because of taking the control of a city that resisted against the enemy raids for about 1500 years. Also, Turks were now quite host of Asia Minor after they first invaded there in 1071.

Furthermore, Conquer of Istanbul is an important milestone for the world history and politics. The Roman Empire was totally collapsed and the last stronghold that prevents Muslims from spreading over Europe has dropped. Besides, this war introduced new battle technologies that could change the way that war is going to end. For instance, by this war, it is discoveried that the high walls of strongholds could be destroyed by artillery fire which then leaded to collapse of feudal system and open a new age.

In conclusion, Conquer of Istanbul is a very critical event for both Turkish and world history. And its consequences still have big influences on today's politics, and geopolitics.

[Alan]

In 1453, Istanbul were counquered by Sultan Mehmet and Turks became the new permAnEnt inhabitants of Anatolia while Greeks and Christians were forced to retreat to Europe after a domination of almost 1500 years. I will point out the outcomes of the ConqueST of Istanbul both wordwide aNd nationally.

The conqueST of Istanbul is an important event for Turkish history and community. Just after he conquered Istanbul, Sultan Mehmet haD been given the title of "Fatih (Conquerer)" because of taking the control of a city that resisted against the enemy raids for about 1500 years. Also, Turks were now IN COMPLETE CONTROL of Asia Minor after they first invaded there in 1071.

Furthermore, THE ConqueST of Istanbul is an important milestone for world history and politics. The Roman Empire HAD totally collapsed and the last stronghold that preventED Muslims from spreading over Europe haD dropped. Besides, this war introduced new battle technologies that could change the way that war WAS going to end. For instance, by this war, it WAS discoveried that the high walls of strongholds could be destroyed by artillery fire which then leD to THE collapse of THE feudal system and openED a new age.

In conclusion,THE ConqueST of Istanbul is a very critical event for both Turkish and world history. And its consequences still have big influences on today's politics, and geopolitics.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
You can read my ESL story Good Bye Summer

[Torsten]

Dear vuralorion,

In addition to Alan's correction you might want to learn how to use a spell checker.
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Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Vuralorion]

thanks for corrections. i am not yet good enough. i need to word harder on writing and speaking. thanks again

[Torsten]

Hi Vuralorion,

Why do you think using a spell checker is hard work? To me it looks rather simple but it's very effective. Instead of working harder you might want to try and 'work smarter'.
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Vuralorion]

I did not imply that using a spell checker is hard work. I just meant that I should work harder. So anyway, could you guide me to use a spell checker? Do we have a spell checker on english-test.net?

[Torsten]

As I indicated in my post, you can use Firefox as it comes with an excellent spell checker.
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Vuralorion]

So i can use Microsoft Office Work for that purpose. I remember that it has an auto-correction system too. When you talked about spell checker, i thought that we have an unique checker software on english-test.net. Thanks for notice, i am going to use spell checker from now on.

Except spell and grammer mistakes, could you please evaluate my essay with respect to the its organzation, fluency and structure?

I plan to take Toefl IBT on 7th November, thus i have two months more to study. If you may tell me my other faults, i can study on improving my deficiencies. Thanks a lot.

[Torsten]

How can you use Microsoft Office when you type of message here on the forum? For example, the personal pronoun 'I' is always capitalized and grammar is spelled with an 'a' at the end. As for your essay you should try to avoid repetitions and back your ideas up with more details and facts. The question is why do you want to take the TOEFL? You say you have 'two more months to study'. What are you going to do after November 7?
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Vuralorion]

In fact, I want to enroll to a university in USA at next summer. I know that the registration deadline is January or February for foreign students. So after November or December, i will not have the chance to have the exam again. Also till January, i plan to take GRE exam. Could you please correct me if i am wrong. Many thanks for your help . I will remember your advices when writing essays.

[Torsten]

Hi, what do you want to study and why do you want to study in the USA? How much of your 'media consumption' (listening and reading) is in English? By the way, advice is uncountable.
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[Vuralorion]

I want to make master degree on economics, particularly on international economics in USA. I think that my listening and reading skills are not bad, even we can say that i am above good at listening and reading. My speaking, pronouncation, is also good. But i should study to avoid some grammar (tense) mistakes when speaking. Also I am now studying to improve my writing skills. As you can see they are not yet good enough now but I think that i can be better at writing by studying harder in following 2 months. thanks for your concern Torsten.

By the way, yes advice is not a countable noun you know when people write fast, they may make mistakes as I did.

[Englishuser]

Hi vuralorion,

I think that your essay demonstrates that you have acquired a decent vocabulary; there are some slips but these do not reduce clarity. Your grammar also seems perfectly satisfactory. I am actually more concerned about your essay's 'Task Response' and 'Coherence and Cohesion'. Some of the ideas you present in the third paragraph are poorly linked to that paragraph, for instance.

All the best

EU

[Vuralorion]

Thanks for your concern Englishuser. It was my first try and I know that it has some weaknesses in organization and coherence. But I am getting better on writing each day. You can follow my latter essays at the previous page. Thanks a lot.