TOEFL essay sample: Russian Autocracy; Ivan IV and Peter II

[vuralorion]

Hello again, here is my another essay. It is a response to a reading passage and a lecture about Russian Autocracy; Ivan IV and Peter II. The essay has been written in 20 minutes. Could you please evaluate my essay both in negative and positive sides? Thanks

Russian Autocracy; Ivan IV and Peter II

Russian history offers a good example for the autocracy. Even though Russian social and geographical features do not allow a government to cotrol the whole country centrally, a few Russian tsar, Ivan IV and Peter II, succeded to bring the control of country under the royal Russian government completely.

Ivan IV, the Terrible, came to the throne when he was very young. Just after he got the authority, Ivan IV had tried to break the connection between Russian nobles and royal government. He had formed patrols and send them to the each corner of the country in order to hunt and eleminate nobles.

Peter II, the Great, has brought the authority under the royal Russian government by marginalizing the aristocrat and noble classes. Also, he tried to remove the impact of church on government and royality. He forced Russian Orthodox Church to become the subordination of royal government. With this aspect, Peter II was a great figure in modernization of royal Russian government in middle ages.

Eventually, either Peter II and Ivan IV, is still remembered for their achievement to concentrate the royal governmental power under a single authority both in Russia and world.

[Flame]

I'm not good at writing and not a native speaker but I think you have a few mistakes that even I can see:
1. "Even though Russian social and geographical features do not allow a government to cotrol the whole country centrally, a COUPLE OF Russian TSARS, Ivan IV and Peter II, succeded IN BRINGING (the control of country under the royal Russian government completely. )" The part in brakets I didn't quite get so I think this would affect your score as being ambiguous.

2. "Just after he got the authority, Ivan IV had tried to break the connection between Russian nobles and royal government. " In "... Ivan IV had tried.." you shouldn't use the past perfect tense. Instead you should use past simple because you have no following action to be the result of the first.

3. "He had formed patrols and SENT them to the each corner of the country in order to hunt DOWN and eleminate nobles. " Again Past Simple at "had formed". Also, remove "the" from "... them to the each corner..."

4. "Peter II, the Great, has brought the authority under the royal Russian government by marginalizing the aristocrat and noble classes." Again Past Simple at "has brought". This time you used Present Perfect which would have been correct if Peter II was alive but because he's dead you should use Past Simple.

5. Also, he tried to remove the INFLUENCE of THE church on THE government and royality. "

6. "He forced Russian Orthodox Church to become SUBORDINATE of royal government. "

7. "Eventually, BOTH Peter II and Ivan IV, ARE still remembered for their ACHIEVEMENT IN CONCENTRATING the royal governmental power under a single authority both in Russia and THE world."

There are a few more possible miskates I see but I'm not very sure they should be corrected. I think this essay is understandable despite the mistakes. In fact, I liked it. You should work on tenses and more various sentence structures to higher your score. I hope someone better qualified than me can help you more, this is as far as I can do.