TOEFL® essay: Leaders like John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made...

[Vuralorion]

Hi. Here is my another essay. I think it is not bad but it took 40 minutes to plan, write and revise. Could you please criticize it? Thanks.

Question:Leaders like John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made important contributions to the people of the United States. Name another world leader you think is important. Give specific reasons for your choice.

In my home country, people without pioneers are resembled to the horde of sheeps without shepherds. Sheeps lack of the talents which guide them in going through the most desirable and reasonable way in critical situations. The case is same for the people of a country. They need a mentor and guide in overcoming the ultimate and nationwide difficulties. Mustafa Kemal Ataturk played this crucial role for the establishment and wealth of my nation.

Mustafa Kemal Ataturk was the son of a middle class farmer family who have settled in Selanuki where is today a city in Greece. When he played that guide role for Turkey, he was a soldier in the army where he made his first important contribution to the victory of a glory war, The Independence War. In 1919 Turkey was the winner of the Independence War through the brilliant strategic and battle techniques developed by Mustafa Kemal. This war was a clean of the home land from the enemy occupation.

However Kemal's most important conribution was on the governance system of Turkey, formerly Ottoman Empire. Kemal abolished the system of "Saltanat" in which the throne and authority inherits from father to son and Kemal transformed the governance system into secular democracy from religion based rule.

Furthermore, Kemal made revolutions in all aspects to catch up with the modern western countries of that years. For instance, he brought the Latin letters instead of Arabic letters in order to confrom with the Science and Art of modern world. He changed the clothing style of puplic. For example, he replaced modern hats instead of old fashion one "fes".

In conclusion, countries and people need guides in order to lead them in avoiding the disastrous circumstances and exitting from dark and narrow tunnels. Ataturk was that pioneer for Turkey.

[CSharp]

Some mistakes that I think needs to be corrected

This war was a clean of the home land from the enemy occupation.

you can write the same sentence as
This war was for the cleaning of homeland from the enemy.