TOEFL Essay: Telecommuting (working for a company from home rather than in...)

[vuralorion]

Hi again. Can you please evaluate the essay below. Thanks.

Question: Telecommuting (working for a company from home rather than in the office and communicating with the office by computer) is becoming more and more common. Discuss the advantages of telecommuting versus working in an office. Then indicate which you prefer and why.

Through technological developments, people are now able to work and earn income in their houses as well. This phenomenon is known as telecommuting in which people who have certain office equipments such as computer, facsimile machine, telephone etc..., may work at home by the agreement with their employers. This phenomenon contributes many to employees, employers and the state in several means.

Primarily, telecommuters enjoy the advantage of taking care of both their children and houses themselves. Thus, they become able to save money through not recruiting a housekeeper and babysitter. Also some people deliver their elderly relatives to some caregiving agencies or houses. Telecommuting gives them the chance to look after their elderly parents/grandparents themselves.

Second, employers may benefit from many aspects by hiring telecommuters rather than traditional office workers. By telecommuting, the companies may save money because expenses on office equipment and other services tend to decrease. As the number of workers in the office declines, the usage of electricity, water and other civil services declines as well and this provides a marked money save and a fall in the cost of production for the company.

Furthermore, working at home rather than going to office to work may lessen the traffic burden on the roads and this causes a noticeable stress relieve on both telecommuters and other drivers on the road. This is also another source of saving money for workers since they do not pay for either fuel oil or ticket for transportation to office.

In light of all these factors, especially the factors that have positive effects on the workers’ budget lead me to choose to stay at home and fulfill my responsibilities there instead of moving to a distant place to work with its both financial and mental drawbacks.

[Englishuser]

Hi vuralorion,

I think your response addresses all parts of the task. Surely most people working outside their home still clean their house, though. If you want to make your text look really good you need to try to present some more relevant ideas, which is often difficult under stressful exam conditions.

Your essay is generally cohesive in spite of the fourth pragraph being less well linked to the rest. Some grammar and vocabulary errors persist that do not make your text difficult to understand, but would unfortunately affect your overall writing mark. I believe you could edit some of these mistakes by yourself. Would you like to give it a try?

All the best

EU

[vuralorion]

Hi Englishuser

I think that I have now have less vocabulary and grammar mistakes compared to past. I think that vocabulary should not be a determining factor for marking the essays. Because you know even native English speakers frequently do such mistakes.

And I agree with you about the forth paragraph that it seems less relevant to the topic. Time was the problem. I have some clear statements that link that passage to the rest of the text however a little time had remained and still I had to write the conclusion paragraph.

I think that primary problems for me are that I need to pace the time and try to avoid vocabulary mistakes by practicing more on writing.

Thanks for comments A new essay will be posted soon

[Englishuser]

Hi vuralorion,

Yes, I would agree that it's important to make good use of the time available. It might be helpful to try to estimate approximately how long it takes you to read the test question and plan your essay compared to how much time you spend writing. You should allow some time for having a final look through the text before submitting it as well.

It is true that even native speakers of English may make occasional vocabulary mistakes when writing in English. This is taken into account by TOEFL examiners: you may make minor lexical errors and still receive the highest score possible for writing. It is also worth pointing out that 'Lexical Resource' accounts for only around one fourth of your overall writing mark.

All the best

EU