TOEFL essay samples: In some orgainizations, promotions are based on seniority...

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please can some one evaluate my essay n point out my mistakes

QUESTION: In some orgainizations, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. what do you think should is better, support your opinion with examples....

In some orgainizations, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. In my point of view each have certain advantages for certain type of groups.

First of all for the people who work in an orgainization where promotions are given on the base of seniority have some sort of advantage that the this might help in keeping employees stay interested in the orgainization and can help them keeping a peacefull life without worrying about the promotions cause by that they will might attain mind peace. But in such an orgainization challenge would be taken as nine letter word.

On the other hand in an orgainization where promotion is given on the basis of performence, production results can varry greatly towards positive. In such an orgainization a challenging environment will take place and will promote appraisal for the good work. Such an oragainization will promote hardworking people who will strive to work better than others, the employees might look at this orgainization as their own by following the principle "The better you give the better you get". Such an orgainizaiton will promote an environment where seniors would be taken as role model in the eyes of juniors who will love to follow their footsteps and history proves that the production and economy rates are always the reasons for the inclined slope of success for any nation where diversity of challenge have been introduced. Lets take an example of my own country, I belong to an asian country where the government orgainizations are popular for their retarted methods of promotion, in any orgainization lets say telecommunication company of my country use to have the 100% shares in the market but with the introduction of foreigner telecom companies and their enterprised promotional methods the government telecom. company is left with less than 30% of shares and the hopes for this value is also low. Today those orgainizations are successfull which follow the theory of Darwin for their employee, "Survival of the fittest", and hence giving the best to the deserver.

I support the idea that the promotions should be given on the basis of performance, because this can make an orgainization grow and this can help the employees to be dependent on hardworking.