TOEFL essay: John F.Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made significant...

[cSharp]

EVALUATION NEEDED

QUESTION: Jhon F.Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made significant contributions to the people of America. What other person do you think have made significant contributions to mankind, support your oppinion with examples and supportin ideas.

Jhon F.Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made significant contributions to the people of America. I think another leader who deserves the same kind of honor is Quaid-e-Azam, the father of nation for the muslims of sub-continent. Because of the lack of information people usually consider this great personality only as the leader of the muslims of asia but if we anylyse the history, we will find out that he worked for both Muslims and Hindus. He struggeled hard to make people of asia realise as a distinct nation, he made the pepole to realise who they are, and made them fight for their right. After taking the degree of law form United Kindom he came back to his homeland to serve his people. He started his law practice and soon became one of the most recognised lawyers in sub-continent but soon he realised that his nation have been traped to be submissive to the alien government. He joined Congress, a British political party to fight for the rights of the people of sub-continent. Alot of people opposed him, british government and specially Hindu leaders like Gandhi. Allot of people tried to force him to quit his movement but he was on his track like a powerfull surf. He was being threatend to death, British government put him behind the bars. His moto was "unity, faith and discipline", he once said, for any nation to be successfull it have to follow these rules and his life seems to be the a statue build on these rules. He acted on these rules and got a separate country for the muslims of asia, Pakistan. Where they can live with the principles of their faith. Quaid-e-Azam's life is the living example of the leader who considered his nation more important than his own life. He became the first governer of Pakistan on the sallary of 1 rupee, which is the 60th part of a dollar. Even after acheiving his dream land he did't quit working hard to provide the firm basis and deep roots to his country. Contineous working effected his health and he died right after the first year of the indepence of his country. I respect this great person as the savior for the people of asia and respect him as the father of nation, he provided an example to the next generation of my country.

[vuralorion]

Hello. I am not a rater or English teacher, I am also preparing for TOEFL. I don't know whether you consider my comment or not

I think that your essay is good organized and coherent. Only There are some vocabulary mistakes.

Also you may evaluate my essay written about the exactly same topic of yours. I think we are using the same prep books.

TOEFL essay: Leaders like John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King have made...

[cSharp]

Yeah I think so, Your essey is also well orgainised but I think it should include more reasons, after reading my essay only once I figured out allot of mistakes, infact I wrote this essay in 30 mins and could't get much time to rewise.
I think I should be more concerend towards the revision part.
thanks for your comment:)