How to behave in America

[Ralf]

There is this friend of mine whose daughter is set to go to the US next term as part of an exchange programme. She received a lengthy instructive letter fom the headteacher of a high school in Sugerland, Texas, which I helped her translate. I'd like to quote 2 paragraphs here:

"Physical touching is a very delicate issue. Shaking hands is absolutely allowed. Hugging is usually OK, although entering a gray area. If after 6 months here and you have developed a bond with some students, a brief hug should be OK. Kissing of any kind is definitely inappropriate, and, since you are 2 years older than most of our students, any kind of sexual relationship between you and other students is practically the biggest ethical and legal violation that can happen. If a boy should approach you romantically, you should discourage/reject any advances and let me know so that I can clarify boundaries with the student."

"I know that in Germany it is common for teachers and students to curse or use foul language as in the word "Scheiße" in the school setting, but in the U.S. this is off limits. Also any forms of the words "fxxk" and "dxxn" and "axx" and "bxxxh". Those are the big taboos."

Any views?
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[Conchita]

If this isn't the most patronising, insulting thing I've heard in ages! Who is abusing whom here?

[Prezbucky]

The language-taboo thing is a bit much. Probably most high school students swear. That's just a scare tactic. Now, it wouldn't be a good idea to be swearing (loudly) in class, but kids are at school nine (sometimes more) hours each day, Mon-Fri -- it's too much to expect a kid to be serious all the time.

As for the sex thing, if the German student is 18, and she has sex with a 16-year-old (for instance), that could be deemed statutory rape -- sex between an adult and a minor. That is a valid concern -- something of which to be aware before coming to the States.
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[Yankee]

Hi Ralf and Conchita,

I do think that the information provided is worth receiving. It addresses some areas that could end up leading to problems for a foreigner.

I know that in the part of Germany where I used to live, the "S-word" was widely used and accepted in all sorts of contexts. What do young non-native speakers often learn lots of when they listen to popular music or spend time in online chatrooms nowadays? Lots and lots of nasty and obscene words. Personally, I think it's very appropriate to mention the fact that foul language is not acceptable in the school context (particularly in the classroom) and also not used in every context. I've seen young non-native speakers pick up incredibly obscene language and then use it will-nilly without any real comprehension of just how obscene the words are. Don't you think it's better to err on the side of overly safe language than to end up in a lot of hot water later?

As to the issue of touching, I also find providing that information appropriate. Before I went to Germany 18 years ago, the whole sexual harassment issue was just beginning to heat up. On my return to the US, I discovered that the issue of "touching" and "harassment" had become a big one. Nowadays, many companies and schools have policies in place about "touching". This is not so much intended to eliminate touching per se, but rather it is intended to ensure that IF inappropriate touching does take place, they have something to legally fall back on in order to take action. These same policies also usually include language to the effect that if someone frivolously or untruthfully claims "sexual harassment" or "inappropriate touching" (i.e. claims things that could ruin the reputation of the alleged "toucher"), then action can also be taken against the teller of false tales. In view of all this, I think that mentioning this is in the best interest of someone planning an extended stay in the US.

As far as "romance" goes, if a student is 18 or older and engages in sex with someone who is under 18, the older (18+) student could possibly be charged with rape. So, again, I think this sort of information is worth mentioning.

In a nutshell, if the headmaster had NOT mentioned any of these topics, I would have considered him/her to be remiss in his/her responsibilities.
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[Ralf]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your penny's worth. I'd say we've disovered yet another cultural cross-Atlantic divergence.

[Yankee]

[Ralf]

[Conchita]

[Prezbucky]

As for a dichotomy in America, Ralf, about what specific dichotomy (or -ies) are you asking?

Danke
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Billie Jean is not my lover. Hee.

[Yankee]

Good evening, Ralf.

I for one see no point whatsoever in participating threads in which questions and clarifications are not permitted. You might as well simply talk to yourself in that case. God only knows what your true motives for the topic were anyway.
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[Ralf]

[Ralf]

[Jamie (K)]

The principal's advice was completely appropriate, and I smell a bit of arrogant ethnocentrism here on the part of the Europeans, an attitude they frequently accuse Americans of having.

As mentioned, if the student is 18 or older and has sex with a student who is under 16 (depending on the state), he or she can be convicted of statutory rape. What was not mentioned is that statutory rape can carry a prison sentence of up to 18 years. If she's really lucky, she'll get three. A former class president of my local high school is serving prison time for giving a 14-year-old classmate some beer and having sex with her. Note that he is serving time for two crimes here: providing the beer to a minor, and the sex.

Different societies have different traditions regarding touching and kissing. Americans have to be taught to be more physical with people if their company transfers them to Brazil, for example, and believe me, they really hate being that physical with -- especially kissing -- people they aren't romantically attached to. Even after three years in Eastern Europe, I used to get confused when some woman would greet me with a kiss on the lips, because to an American that's purely a romantic signal. Besides that, we find a lot of that kissing they do in places like Spain to be phony and insincere.

It's basically inappropriate in an American high school for anyone to be kissing at all, because in American culture, kissing between two unrelated people past puberty is considered romantic, and people aren't supposed to be engaging in public displays of romantic feelings in school. Kids do it, but they're not supposed to. Further, if some foreign girl makes the mistake of kissing a guy in some phony, frivolous way -- the way people do in Spain or Brazil -- the American guy is liable to take it as a romantic invitation, and the girl could be in for some attention she doesn't want. The problem will be compounded by the fact that she is the mysterious, exotic exchange student. This can be even worse if the guy she kisses is a new immigrant from some very sexually repressive country, such as any Arabic country. Some girls I know have triggered a lot of problems just by being innocently friendly to guys from countries like that.

The warnings about touching are completely appropriate, because since the 1970s, radical feminism has infected the legal system and put the US into hysteria about sexual harassment. The problem is that anything can be sexual harassment if the "victim" chooses to see it as such. Simply slapping someone on the shoulder and saying "good job!" can be considered sexual harassment IF the person you do it to decides it is. And to be "guilty" of sexual harassment, the person doesn't even have to interact with the alleged "victim" at all. Let's say that a male and a female student like to touch each other or call each other "honey" or "sweetie" and neither one is offended. A third student might not like it, and she can accuse them both of "sexually harassing" her by creating a "hostile environment". This will sound ridiculous to Europeans, and guess what! It sounds ridiculous to us too! But this is the legacy of baby-boomer feminism, and the courts take such charges seriously, whether they ultimately agree with them or not.

This leads to something else: In the US, anybody can sue anyone for anything, and the plaintiff doesn't have to pay the defendant's legal expenses if he loses, as he does in the British system. Part of this principal's paranoia about touching stems not just from the fact that US culture is not very "touchy", but also from the fact that certain types of touching, whether intentionally sexual and demeaning or not, can trigger a lawsuit that winds up being VERY expensive for the school system -- far out of proportion to its importance. Some behaviors are forbidden in schools not because any reasonable American thinks they are immoral or objectionable, but simply in order to prevent lawsuits and their accompanying expense. This is part of what this principal is doing.

In my nephew's school, it was forbidden to mention Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter or any other holiday. Talking about such things is not illegal, and is certainly not objectionable to most people, even if they're not Christian. However, some of the kids in the school belonged to a small religious sect that did not believe in holidays. Their parents had already threatened to sue if the teachers continued to mention holidays. Rather than have to spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting a lawsuit, the principal simply forbade discussion of holidays in class by the teachers until the threatening parents founded their own private school or started teaching their kids at home.

In addition to this, some parents are just crazy. Far more than you'd think. Some of them are hypersensitive to whatever is happening to their children and rush right over to the school at the first sign of anything that disturbs them. These parents are visibly nuts, but the school still has to deal with them. One of my students became a high school teacher after she graduated, and she had problems with boys thinking she was sexy. She couldn't help it. She was so good-looking that even if she wore garbage bags instead of clothes, smeared her face with feces and burned her hair off, men would still find her sexy. The boys actually caused no problem for her, but their mothers, fearful that she might be seducing their children, went in and complained to the principal. There was nothing the principal could do other than have a talk with the teacher, and there was nothing the teacher could do not to look sexy. (To be fair to those parents, there had been some high-profile cases at the time of female teachers who had messed up their male high school students by using them for sex. Those teachers went to prison.)

As for that inscrutable expression "American dichotomy", it appears you're misusing the word "dichotomy" and really mean "hypocrisy". In regard to your example, I can say that beating one's wife is quite frowned upon in the US, so most American wife-beaters try to keep the practice secret. In many parts of Europe, wife beating is right out in the open, because everyone from the husbands all the way to the police think "the wife needs it once in a while". I have seen this in action. Your belief that hypocrisy is typically American exposes you as a bigot.

[Conchita]

[Jamie (K)]