What do you think of abusive men?

[Adryana]

Please have an open mind and give me your sincerest opinion on the above. My sister is married to a foreigner. He seemed nice at first (when they were courting) but as soon as they were married he began to show his true colours. He harrassed her daily. He calls her names and annoyingly vulgar - at home and in public. He shoves her around. Pushes his finger, knuckles and forehead when he speaks to her - or rather shouts at her. When she is lying down, he would sit on her, pinning both her hands so she can't escape while he spat all over her face. Slaps her or twist her arms till she bruised all over. He would throw her on the bed or the walls or cupboard. When she hid in the bathroom or storeroom, he would kick the door knowing she is behind it. He demands her opinion on the clothes he wore but when she gave one, he would shout and demand her to tell him why her opinion is so. He shouts not speak - even in the middle of the night till dawn, disregarding the neighbours.

When he is calm and my sister told him not to shout and showed all the bruises, he denies everything and psychoed my sister by telling her she imagined it or that she hurt herself or it was all an accident or asks her to give the exact time and date that he did it (my sister can't remember, of course). When my sister raised her voice to reply to his questions at a noisy place they went, he would accuse her of being rude and mentally sick. Names he would use? I've tried to use a swear word but it doesn't work here. bitch, stupid cow, demented old woman, ugliest pig, psychopath, etc.

When she tries to speak, he would tease her with the tone of an old woman and told her she sounds like his mother.

When he wants her, he would turn into the nicest romantic puppy, showering her with flowers, dinners, gifts, holiday, concerts and money. Other days, he would demand that she gave him back her jewellery and gifts.

My sister's asthma is now worsened. Her stomach ulcers bleed often. She has eczema all over. She became a nervous wreck - always stammering and shivering and crying. That cheerful, bright look has disappeared and she now looks 10 years older, always quiet and frowning. I worry she would commit suicide.

Since this is her second marriage, she refuse to get help for fear society might condemn her and she has only been married four months.

What do you think she should do? She had a black eye and bruised wrist, hands, legs, chest and breast from his work yesterday. He is British and woks as a Senior Software Engineer and converted to Islam due to the marriage. We are muslims.

Thank you for your opinion.
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Hello. I'm Adriana from Malaysia. I'm working as an Executive Secretary. I'm interested to improve my English here.

[NinaZara]

Adibah,

I am on my lunch break now and I can’t be long.

But, we have got to help your sister, in case you are wondering what do I think about abusive men, well, if possible, I put them below my feet.

Have you tried reporting this to Syari’ah court? I know, many times they are good for nothing but you mentioned that the monster is a British and a convert, so as usual Syari’ah court will be biased towards him.

Usually, no matter how big of a monster the husbands were, the court (the ‘male chauvinist’ judge) will side with the husbands.

Principally, I am against them but in your case we need to be practical. If you can use the system for your benefit, why not use it. (According to my father, he’s in politics. I will ask him later and see what we can do to help your sister. We should talk privately)

I will write more tonight (regarding this phenomena in Malaysia), if I am not too pooped. I’ve got a lot on my plate now and it is going to be a very long day/night.

Take care,
Nina
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"Suara rakyat suara keramat." -Anwar Ibrahim.

[Nicholas]

Adryana, this sounds too much for me. I mean that the man must be crazy, in some kind of a difficult-to-understand situation. It's not right your sister is suffering too much this way. I am sorry I can't understand how a muslim marriage is but she shouldn't be afraid of the society she's living in and make herself suffer this way.

I don't know what reason or why your sister married the man. But the man needs to consult the doctor, go to see a doctor for sure. Perhaps, they are in love and the man has some kind of illness which demands your sister not to ignore and suffer his ill doing.

If all else doesn't work, she has to leave this man. Well, she has to. You need to encourage her. I dont want to see women living physically where their souls are dead.

And I agree with Nina, Adryana. You and your parents can help your sister, although not much...but out of hell...

[Pamela]

Hi Adriana,

I can’t comprehend how your sister still puts up with such opprobrious and atrocious treatment. There is no other way but to divorce him. Caring about other people's opinion doesnt' constitute justification.His behavior is premised on nothing. Abuse, beating is his cup of tea. It's a pathology.Either he should be forced into compulsory treatment or sent to prison. Is there any other way of solving the situation? Keep in mind if a man beat his spouse once(especially, beating black and blue) he would beat her on repeated occasions, according to the survey. Unfortunately, you post indicates this

[Jamie (K)]

This man is an obvious psychopath, and for your sister's own safety, she should get away from him. I don't know how it works in Malaysia, but in the US, the UK or Germany, your sister would have had her injuries photographed at the police station and the husband would have been arrested by now. The court and the police would be watching him, and they would force him to stay away from her, that is, if they didn't put him in prison.

No woman deserves to be treated like this, and no woman should be worried about the opinion of her community if she leaves such a man. Some women even move abroad to find safety, if there is no other way. It is especially important to flee to safety because that type of man is very capable of killing a woman who leaves him or doesn't allow him to abuse her.

Men like this don't change, so the only way is to flee or to have him put in prison.

I have had students who were married to men like this. One married a charming, very handsome doctor, and immediately after the wedding he started to beat and abuse her very severely. She left him, and a few years later he was arrested and got life in prison for murdering several patients in hospitals where he had worked.

I repeat: This kind of psycho might do anything, so your sister has to run from him.

[prezbucky]

Yeah, he views her as his toy. It's probably in her best interest to leave him. There's no pill for psychopathy/sociopathy.
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Billie Jean is not my lover. Hee.

[Jamie (K)]

[NinaZara]

[prezbucky]

[Ahmadov]

Adryana, it is sad to read your post about your sister... Unfortunately, even today some women are treated this way in many parts of the world. According to statistics, one third of women suffer domestic violence in the world today (I am not sure how true this is though).

As for your sister, I think she must be brave and give a divorce to that man. She should not heed what others say about her if she divorces, because those others do not suffer together with your sister when he abuses her...
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Learning is a sacred engagement.

[1111166666]

She has to leave him!!! She should not be putting up with this!!

I understand that it might be difficult for her to leave him due to reasons that we may not know... But when there is such extreme violence involved, there should be no other choice.