help for a cover letter

[Johan]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to send which I wouldn't exactly call a cover letter; it is a cover letter but a little bit special. Special because I'm French and I'm sending it to a Canadian company, and also because I'm applying to some job positions whereas I'm looking for an internship that can obvioulsy be carried on by a real job at the end of this latter.

Could you please correct the most awful mistakes I've made?

Keen on living a rewarding and valuable experience abroad, I am looking for a 6-month internship in order to pass my master. Once this internship is over, I could become one of your employees and turn out to be an asset to your company since I will have been formed by your company itself the previous months.

Currently student in second year of a geological master (and therefore graduating with my master degree at the end of the university year) where geotechnical and civil engineering are the major courses, as well as computer classes (GIS and AutoCAD) I would be thrilled to contribute my enthusiasm to your company and learn a lot about the Canadian working experience.
I may not have much geotechnical experience on the field, but this is the point of that internship and moreover I have already carried out 2 internships which ran smoothly and provided me a first experience in the geological world. I also studied for a year in London, Canada, which allowed me to improve my English skills and have an insight of the Canadian life.

These qualities, combine with my willingness of moving on in all the fields (both work and personal life), should enable me to make a positive impact at "name of the compagny".

I would welcome a phone interview at your earliest convenience to discuss your needs and objectives, and how I could contribute to your team. If you meet any constraint of time difference to give me a call, you may join me by email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

"my name"

Thank you so much all
Johan

[Torsten]

Hi Johan,

You are obviously a very ambitious and intelligent young man and that's why you will achieve all your goals. Your cover letter shows that have a great interest in both your majors and that's the most important ingredient to success.
Now the question is how you can communicate all your strengths in your cover letter. You might want to try and put yourself into the shoes of the person who is going to read your cover letter. This person probably is very busy and might not have much time to read and think about your letter. So you need to grab their attention within seconds. Ask yourself this question: Would the following line grab my attention? "Keen on living a rewarding and valuable experience abroad..." Your first few words should give the reader a clear incentive to read on. Also, try to talk about the needs of the reader instead of your needs. If you tell somebody that you want experience a rewarding and valuable time abroad then they will ask: "And who cares about what I want?" Before you write your letter, sit down and try to imagine you are the person who decides whether or not they offer you an internship. Try to imagine what kind of problems this person might have to solve in their position. Their company has to stay competitive and make a profit. So they need people who are ambitious, creative and have a positive attitude. After you have spent enough time imagining you are the reader of your letter, re-write your letter and use SHORT sentences that are easy to read. Don't use complicated long winded constructions -- write as if you were speaking to that person. Your sentences should start with "you" instead of "I". For example, you can use phrases like "You will gain a team member that is proficient in the following: ..." The message of your letter should be: If you give me a chance, some of your problems will be solved faster and you will be happier. This might sound funny, but even the toughest business person has very basic motives and needs. Focus on the motives and needs of your reader and tell them how you will help them get what they want instead of asking them to give you what you want.

Let me know what you think.
Torsten
PS: The title of your post should read "Help with a cover letter".
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[Aurélia]

Thanks a lot Torsten, I read closely what you told me. I won't have time today to think about it (due to a very busy day) but as soon as I have time I'll do it, trying to use all your relevant advice.
And thanks for the title correction as well.

[Johan]

Hey Torsten,

sorry about yesterday's reply; I guess you were completely mixed up when you saw a reply from another member! But that's because I was at a friend's house and I forgot to log in with my nickname.

Firstly, I have a question. Do "motive" and "incentive" mean "motivation"?
Ok now, I tried to apply your tips and changed some stuff. Here is it:

Your different projects as well as the miscellaneous fields of activity you work on attract me a lot and fit exactly to my skills.
Currently student in second year of a geological master (and therefore graduating with my master degree at the end of the university year) where geotechnical and civil engineering are the major courses, as well as computer classes (GIS and AutoCAD) I would be thrilled to contribute my enthusiasm to your company and learn a lot about the Canadian working experience. Considering that a 6-month internship is part of my master degree, your company could form a junior geotechnical engineer which could turn out to be a real asset in the future since I will have been formed by your company itself the previous months. Once this internship over, you will gain a team member that is proficient and able to do a real good job.
I may not have much geotechnical experience on the field so far, but this is the point of that internship and moreover I have already carried out 2 internships which ran smoothly and provided me a first experience in the geological world. I also studied for a year in London, Canada, which allowed me to enhance my English skills and have an insight of the Canadian life.
These qualities, combine with my willingness of moving on in all the fields (both work and personal life), should enable me to make a positive impact at “name of the company”.
I would welcome a phone interview at your earliest convenience to discuss your needs and objectives, and how I could contribute to your team. If you meet any constraint of time difference to give me a call, you may join me by email.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

“my name”

As you could read, I tried to start with an impact sentence to show the good of the company and why I am applying for a position.
Then I tried to bring out the "your company needs me" and not the "I need you".
Finally, should I be honest when I say "I may not have much geotechnical experience on the field so far, but...." or shouldn't I mention it?

I hope I did better!

Thank you for your help

[Alan]

Hi Johan,

Torsten has asked me to have a look at your letter and suggest some improvements. I have added some suggestions in capital letters:

Your different projects as well as the miscellaneous fields of activity IN WHICH YOU ARE IVOLVED ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE TO ME AND EXACTLY SUIT MY PARTICULAR SKILLS.
I AM currently A SECOND YEAR STUDENT DOING A MASTER'S IN GEOLOGY, graduating at the end of the university year. THE MAJOR COURSES ARE IN geotechnical and civil engineering as well as computING classes(GIS and AutoCAD). I would be thrilled to contribute my enthusiasm to your company and learn a lot about the Canadian working experience. AS a 6-month internship is part of my Master'S, your company WOULD BE ABLE TO TRAIN a junior geotechnical engineer, which could turn out to be a real asset in the future since I will have been TRAINED by your company itself IN the previous months. Once this internship IS over, you will gain a team member WHO is proficient and able to do a realLY good job.
I may not have HAD much geotechnical experience In the field so far, but this is the point of that internship and moreover I have already carried out TWO internships which ran smoothly and provided me WITH MY FIRST experience in the geological world. I also studied for a year in London, Canada, which allowed me to enhance my English skills and GET an insight INTO the Canadian WAY OF life.
These qualities, combineD with my willingness TO movE on in all fields (both work and personal life), should enable me to make a positive impact ON THE REPUTATION of the company.
I would welcome a phone interview at your earliest convenience to discuss your needs and objectives and how I could contribute to your team. IF THERE IS ANY PROBLEM OVER THE TIME DIFFERENCE, WE COULD ALSO COMMUNICATE BY EMAIL

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

“my name”

As you could read, I tried to start with an impact sentence to show the good of the company and why I am applying for a position.
Then I tried to bring out the "your company needs me" and not the "I need you".
Finally, should I be honest when I say "I may not have much geotechnical experience on the field so far, but...." or shouldn't I mention it?

I hope I did better!

Thank you for your help

I hope this is of use. It think it's probably best to mention lack of experience because it shows your honesty and it prevents a potential employer actually commenting on your lack of experience.

Alan
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English as a Second Language
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[Johan]

Thanks a lot Alan! My version was fairly awful! I'm sorry!
Thank you Alan and Torsten for your help.