 #2 (permalink) Mon Jan 07, 2008 19:06 pm TOEFL Essay Sample: Why go to University? |
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| nandasiri wrote: | I am going to take a TOEFL test two weeks later, I need somebody to correct my writing. I look forward to seeing and appreciate your replies.
Thank you very much!
Nanda
Why go to University?
Although it is not necessary for everybody to go to University, everybody goes to University with reasons. Usually, People who attend University want to chase a dream, a successful life, because they can study systematically, create social network, and prepare for their careers through the higher education of University.
Studying systematically is important for people to augment their knowledge at a university. People learn their major fields deeper at universities than at high school. For example, if you take psychology as your major, you will study not only the general instruction, but also history of psychology development, theories of different schools, and even doing experiments. Following the study program, you can have a strong knowledge background of psychology.
In addition, people start to create their social network at University. They meet people from various communities and learn to interact with different people. Generally speaking, people make their close and lifelong friends at university. Many couples meet each other at University, and many business partners are classmates at University, too. Moreover, professors and teachers will be their important resort even after graduating from University.
Attending a university is also a start point of career preparation. A field of major a person chosen is often the career of the person. My brother enrolled into a medical school and he is a doctor now. By means of systematical and proud study, people have the required knowledge for his future career, and that is why the degree of higher education is a basic requirement for obtaining a good job. Besides, the life experience of being independent, interacting with people, and learning critical thinking at university is valuable for developing career. In the long run, these life experience are beneficial for people to create new ideas and solve problems in their career .
In sum, broadening scholarship, building up social network, and developing a career are essential reasons for people going to University. Then people can chase a successful life more easier with powerful knowledge, supporting network, and professionalizaton gained at University. Therefore most people take enrolling into a university is a turning point of life. |
Hi Nandasiri,
 You've earned a perfect 5 out of 5 for this in IBT Independent Essay Task terms. It's pretty much a perfectly argued, structured and organized (and generally highly cohesive) piece of writing. There's no way you would earn less than a 5.0 for this.
I do, however, need to ask you three important questions:
1. Was this an actual topic used in a TOEFL test?
It strikes me as being too simplistic. From what I have seen and heard so far, the TOEFL Independent Essay topics generally feature abstract ideas or ideals and then ask you to choose and support a position related to them. As I pointed out in some feedback to Francesco, it is feasible to produce a polished 5-paragraph essay that is detailed and features solid exemplification in 30 minutes, so long as the topic itself is relatively straightforward.
I ask this question because you may be setting yourself up for stress and disappointment in the actual TOEFL, by only practicing with simple topics. A real TOEFL topic may hit you a lot harder in terms of the thinking required before and during the process of writing. Certainly it's great as a self-development process to start with simple topics and work your way up. But for true preparation, you'll need to start stretching yourself and learn to cope with more challenging topics.
If this was indeed a real TOEFL topic, then I extend my humblest apologies, while at the same time extending a friendly warning that the next time you take the TOEFL you will be very lucky indeed to face such an obliging topic!
2. Did you write this in 30 minutes, with no (or very little) previous exposure to the topic?
3. What do you mean when you call for corrections?
Correcting every minor grammar mistake in an essay is exhausting, and for a teacher can often take longer than it takes for the original writer to do the essay in the first place. 
The mistakes in your essay are not serious enough to inhibit understanding, nor to impact on a perfect rating for the TOEFL, but WOULD take a lot of time to explain in a comprehensive way.
If it is corrections you seek, however, I would suggest:
(a) Moving on to try a more challenging topic instead, under timed conditions - it will be more beneficial overall for your TOEFL preparation, and
(b) Highlighting yourself the things in your essay you're not sure about or in some way look or feel wrong to you. You could even include explanations or alternative guesses for the elements you think need rectifying. That way, if someone else in this forum does pass along some corrections, overall it will have been a more valuable learning experience for you. 
Hope that helps.
- Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 66
Location: Melbourne Australia
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| #3 (permalink) Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:10 pm TOEFL Essay Sample: Why go to University? |
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Thank you for your reply! Your suggestion is so helpful for me.
Yes, I didnt write this essay in 30 minutes and this topic was a simplified one.
I am trying to force myself to write an essay during 30 minutes, even it is very stressful.
The main reason for me to call for correction was that I was not sure whether my essay was understandable or not. I am glad that you can follow my essay, and this give me more confidence. You are right, I should move on instead of being stuck with no confidence.
Thank you again!
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 Nandasiri
New Member
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 2
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| #4 (permalink) Thu Jan 10, 2008 19:06 pm TOEFL Essay Sample: Why go to University? |
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| nandasiri wrote: | Thank you for your reply! Your suggestion is so helpful for me.
Yes, I didnt write this essay in 30 minutes and this topic was a simplified one.
I am trying to force myself to write an essay during 30 minutes, even it is very stressful.
The main reason for me to call for correction was that I was not sure whether my essay was understandable or not. I am glad that you can follow my essay, and this give me more confidence. You are right, I should move on instead of being stuck with no confidence.
Thank you again!
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I understand. I think it's a good idea to ask that question specifically next time if that is what you want to know.
After you write your essay, you could make it easier for people to give you the feedback you are looking for by writing some questions after it:
Please, could anyone here tell me...
a) do you think my writing is understandable? Why/why not?
b) do you think it is well-organized? Why/why not?
c) what score do you think my essay will get? Why?
This is a lot easier for other people to respond to. I think a lot of people may be willing to help others with their essays, but I think "please check and correct" (or something like that) makes them feel like it is too big a job to handle, and/or they're not sure exactly what to say to help the essay writer.
Hope this inspires you!
Best,
Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 66
Location: Melbourne Australia
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