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 Mon Jan 07, 2008 18:08 pm TOEFL essay: would I prefer to be a leader or a member of a group? |
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| francesco.pat wrote: | Hi guys,
today i wrote this essay. give me some opinions.. tks 
Nowadays people often work and play in groups. These groups often have a leader that makes decisions and organizes the team. I am well aware of the importance that is assumed by a leader. However I prefer being a member of the group. My arguments are listed as follows.
The first point I would like to make is that a leader has many more responsibilities than the other members of the team. If something wrong happens the leader should work to fix the problem. On the other hand a member of the group can enjoy the succes with the rest of the team but does not have to worry about the several issues that could occur during a job or a competition.
The second aspect that makes this choice reasonable is that as a member of a group you can work easier and better than alone as a leader. A team opens up the possibility to share your skills and abilities with the other members of the group. Due to this way of working you can fix your weaknesses with the help of a friend that is good in those areas. On the opposite, a leader should work alone and make decisions by his/herself.
The third important advantage of being a member of a group is that you have the possibility to know the other members of the team better and make some new friends. As a matter of fact, I think that a leader may find difficulties being at the same level of the other members of the group. In this way the team tends to isolate the leader that cannot be seen as a friend.
From what we have discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that by being a member of a group you can find numerous advantages. As a matter of fact, the members have less responsibilities, can use the advantages of the team in order to work better and find new friends. |
Hi Francesco,
I think this is generally a good improvement over the essay you wrote earlier, in that you've managed to give more equal attention to the different parts of your essay. Your language use is much better now as well - shows you've done some careful editing! I think you'd safely get about a 3.5 for this essay, 4.0 if you're lucky.
Here's the main problem - you haven't provided any solid, realistic examples to support the main points you make in each body paragraph. You've done a good job of sticking to three different main ideas and supporting each with an explanation of what you mean, but the exemplification you give (if at all) is too vague to convince a reader that you've supported and rationalized your reasons well.
You need to think of some real-life example that illustrates your point for each idea, and if you can't think of a real one, you need to make one up that nevertheless sounds believable!
You may be asking, "sure, that makes sense - but I used up my 30 minutes and I don't/wouldn't have time."
The answer to that is, to achieve this level of writing, you need to pull back to 4 paragraphs overall: Introduction - Body 1 - Body 2 - Conclusion. Don't worry, you don't have to produce a 5-paragraph essay every time to ensure a chance at a perfect score. You can easily get a top score with a 4-paragraph essay if you've explained your ideas well and given sufficient detail and exemplification, and used a good range of language devices.
I have evidence that this works. The students I used to prepare for the CBT rarely ever got less than a 4 out of 6 on that version of the TOEFL, and quite often got 5s or 6s. The student I had who got a perfect 300 score on the CBT wrote a 4-paragraph essay. Students I now train for iBT now easily manage a 4 and in some cases hit the 4.5 or even 5.0.
The secret of the success behind the 4-paragraph essay is that, without that time being dedicated to a third main idea for the body, you have more time to produce 2 polished body paragraphs with great examples that show in a very convincing way that your ideas have real-life merit. The TOEFL essay raters look first and foremost for a clear thesis that is explained and exemplified in an organized and coherent fashion - they do not count for 5-paragraphs and immediately mark down those that haven't managed to get that number.
There are cases where a good 5-paragraph essay can be managed, but the topic needs to be an obvious or tangible one (and many topics, like yours here, are rather abstract), and you need to be a very experienced and fluent writer to pull it off in the 30 minute time limit. I am an English Lit major and wrote essays all the way through university - but in 30 minutes even I often struggle to pull off a comprehensive and well argued 5-paragraph essay if the topic is an abstract one that requires the sort of explanation and illustration to pull the ideas down to earth and make them tangible to a reader.
My advice to you, Francesco, is to adapt your strategy to hit a 4-paragraph essay with two larger body paragraphs including real-life examples (about you, people you know, or just made up but realistic-sounding). You will actually be increasing your chances of a higher score significantly, and you will be freeing up the time you need to make your ideas workable.
For all my TOEFL students, I always recommend mastering the 4-paragraph format before they ever attempt to pull off 5-paragraph essays under extreme time limits. The strategy has worked for my students' scores time and time again.
Good luck to you - I hope the advice makes sense and can be of use to you.
- Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 50
Location: Changwon Korea, Melbourne Australia
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| Mon Jan 07, 2008 19:11 pm TOEFL essay: would I prefer to be a leader or a member of a group? |
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Hi Francesco,
By way of example, here's how I (and this is just my personal suggestion) might adapt your existing essay to include the points I made in the first mail.
| francesco.pat wrote: | Nowadays people often work and socialize in groups. These groups often have a leader that makes decisions and organizes the team. I am well aware of the importance that is assumed by a leader. However I prefer being a member of the group. My preference is based on relative responsibilities, chances to learn from others, and opportunities to develop friendships.
The first point I would like to make is that a leader has many more responsibilities than the other members of the team. If something wrong happens the leader should work to fix the problem. On the other hand a member of the group can enjoy the succes with the rest of the team but does not have to worry about the several issues that could occur during a job or a competition. As an example, I recall when I was young one of my friends was the leader of our badminton club. The rest of us were free to play badminton, share the feeling of success when we won, or easily forget our failures when they happened. My friend, however, was constantly burdened with organizing the team members and liaising with other clubs. If a team member was ill or absent, it then became his stress to look around for a replacement.
The second aspect that makes this choice reasonable is that as a member of a group you can work easier and better than alone as a leader. A team opens up the possibility to share your skills and abilities with the other members of the group. Due to this way of working you can fix your weaknesses with the help of a friend that is good in those areas. On the other hand, a leader should work alone and make decisions by his/herself. Where I currently work, I am able to share ideas and skills with colleagues freely, because we all have the same basic responsibilities and tasks. By contrast, the duties of our manager are his alone to take care of, and there are many limitations in terms of his right to pass these on to us. In addition, sharing his difficulties or failures with us could erode his authority as the manager.
The third important advantage of being a member of a group is that you have the possibility to know the other members of the team better and make some new friends. As a matter of fact, I think that a leader may find difficulties being at the same level of the other members of the group. In this way the team tends to isolate the leader that cannot be seen as a friend. Consider, for example, someone like the leader of a team in a highly competitive field of business. In his or her role as the person responsible for critiquing the team members, deciding who gets a promotion or who doesn't, or how budgets or bonuses are to be allocated, active friendships with the junior team members can create confusion or discomfort. By the same token, the team members may instinctively keep the leader at arm's length, for fear of any weaknesses showing, or for creating an impression of trying to flatter the leader for personal gain. In both instances, there could be negative career consequences for both the team member and the leader.
It is true that most teams necessarily need leaders, and there are in fact benefits to being a leader rather than simply a team member. However, from what we have discussed above, I personally can safely draw the conclusion that by being a member of a group we can find numerous advantages. These include having less responsibilities and enjoying the advantages of the team in order to work better and find new friends. |
What I've suggested here isn't quite perfect, perhaps, but I hope it shows you how and why solid examples are required to really reinforce your ideas. As you can see, with this sort of elaboration, the 5-paragraph essay has become quite long - and certainly longer than perhaps is feasible for you in a 30 minute time limit. However, even with only two of those three body paragraphs, you'll have a nice long, fully supported essay to demonstrate the validity of your thesis.
Just note that the final sections of the introduction and conclusion would be a little different in a 4-paragraph essay, based on which main ideas you've chosen to feature in the body of the composition.
Does this help?
- Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 50
Location: Changwon Korea, Melbourne Australia
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Francesco.pat
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 06 Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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| Mon Jan 07, 2008 19:29 pm TOEFL essay: would I prefer to be a leader or a member of a group? |
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Are you making sure you tackle "random" topics?
One way you can do this is to write out many different topics on slips of paper. Put them all in a cup and then draw one out at random. At that moment, give yourself 30 minutes to produce your essay in response to that topic!
Good luck with it!
- Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 50
Location: Changwon Korea, Melbourne Australia
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