TOEFL essay: Every people have own teachers to help them to be successful

[Luckyboydtt]

In the daily life, every people also have own teachers to help them to be successful. Their teachers can be their parents, their teachers on their schools, or their friends. In these people, their parents are closest and understand them very much. Thus; parents are the best teachers for every people in the life.

Parents are the most influenced people for their children. For most of people, parents bring up them from the child to adult, so parents understand them very much. Parents always know what do their children think and how do they feel, so children always can share their emotions or their problems with their parents. Thus; they will have the people who can help them solve their problems in time. Moreover, because of strong relationship, almost of people always believe in their parent’s words, it makes them and their parents feel comfortable in exchanging the knowledge or the experience.

Can you please check my essay
Thanks all

Besides, every children are very similar to their parents. They will be affect their parents with their ways of thinking and their habits, so they will intend to learn every things following their parents. Furthermore, for many people, parents give birth to them, thus; all of people spend all of their life to earn enough money or do every things to have a small wish, they can bring the best thing for their children. Hence, they always want to teach their children how to live, how to do, and with their experience, they also know how to teach their children.

In conclusion, because the life developed day after day, every people have to improve theirselves to adapt to the life. Thus;in my opinion, every one have to need a teacher to help them choose a right and get enough knowledge or experience. For these purpose, parents are the best teacher for all people,especially with me, because parents live with me for along time, they know my behavior and my personality very much.

[EnglishRaven]

Hi Luckyboydtt,

Can you tell me (briefly) what the main point or idea was for each of your body paragraphs?

Best,

Jason

[Luckyboydtt]

Hi EnglishRaven,
Because I have many difficulties when I write this topic. I don't know how to get the main idea for each paragraph of body and the supporting ideas for it. I want you to give me some ideas. However, I try to give some main ideas :
. Parents are the most influenced for their children
. Parents are similar to their children

[EnglishRaven]

Hi Luckyboy,

For a start, I need to point out (and sorry I didn't do so earlier) that the original TOEFL topic you've based this essay on is a bit different. I believe it goes something along the lines of:

Parents make the best teachers - do you agree or disagree?

As for your two main ideas for the body, my concern on first reading your essay was that the two ideas appear somewhat different from the topic sentences you've used for each paragraph, but then the details and explanations you give for the second paragraph appear more suited (or too similar) to the ideas you'vealready presented in the first body paragraph.

I would suggest using a different main idea for your second body paragraph. Parents and children being similar to each other could, I think, be a point to mention in support of your first idea that parents have such strong influence over them (the similarity between them could be a result of this influence, or vice-versa).

Also try to support your explanations with realistic examples, like I've recommended for Francesco in separate postings.

Your language use does need some improvement, but the first essential step is presenting an organized essay with clear ideas supported with examples. A TOEFL essay with weak or vague ideas but great grammar will always rate lower than a well argued and organized essay with some grammar lapses.

Hope that helps!

Best,

Jason

[Luckyboydtt]

Thanks for your advices. I know my ideas are the same. Thus; I will try to find a different idea. I will post it early

[Torsten]

Hi Lucky,

I think Jason gave you excellent advice (not: "advices" since "advice" is uncountable).

Regards,
Torsten
_________________
Test Of English for International Communication
TOEIC Preparation & TOEIC Vocabulary

[EnglishRaven]

[Luckyboydtt]

Hi Jason and Torsten. Thanks for your advice and encouragement. Here is my essay. I think it will be better.
In the daily life, every people also have own teachers to help them to be successful. Their teachers can be their parents, their teachers on their schools, or their friends. In these people, their parents are closest and understand them very much. Thus; parents are the best teachers for every people in the life.

Parents are the most influenced people for their children. For most of people, parents bring up them from the child to adult, so parents always understand them very much. Thus; parents always know to teach their children how to behave in the best way for their children’s problem. Moreover; because of strong relationship, almost of people always believe in their parents’s words. From these, they always learn many good character from their parents, so it will be very useful for them in the future

Besides, their parent are the most suitable people to teach their children knowledge and experience. Because they have much knowledge and experience not only in academic but also in the life, they also have enough ability to teach their children.Furthermore; parents bring up their children for a long time, so parents are the most affected with their children’s ways of thinking and their habits, it makes children feel easy when they learn the knowledge from their parents.

In conclusion, because the life developed day after day, every people have to improve themselves to adapt to the life. Thus;in my opinion, every one have to need a teacher to help them choose a right and get enough knowledge or experience. For these purpose, parents are the best teacher for all people, especially with me, because parents live with me for along time, they know my behavior and my personality very much.

[EnglishRaven]

Yes, the ideas are more differentiated. Now you need more realistic examples to demonstrate what you mean by each.

Cheers,

-Jason

[Luckyboydtt]

Hi Jasson.
I still do not understand "realistic examples". Can you explain more clearly. Thanks