| Help me for my TOEFLŪ exam on January 2008 | TOEFLŪ Essay Sample: Why go to University? |
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 #1 (permalink) Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:53 am TOEFL essay: Technological innovations |
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Advances in transportation and communication like the airplane and the telephone have changed the way that nations interact with each other in a global society. Choose another technological innovation that you think is important. Give specific reasons for your choice.
Nowadays, technological innovations have changed our modern world significantly and miraculously. Among numerous innovations, I think the Internet plays an extremely important role. And there are many reasons for my statement.
Obviously, the greatest contribution of the Internet is in communication. Now, through efficient search engines, like Google or Alta Vista, we can find all kinds of useful information ranging from academic knowledge to entertaining stuffs. I can never forget the first time I used Google to search for necessary papers in my major area and it gave me desired result in just fractions of seconds, it was so impressive. It can be said that the Internet is a "global library" which anyone can access as long as he/she has a PC and necessary connections.
Moreover, the Internet saves us more time and expense than ever before. Now we can send email to our friends very far from us and receive reply within a day. We can also chat directly with our lover even though he/she is in a foreign country. Finally, without spending time and money going to school and coming back, we still can take part in distance learning courses. In contrast, before the Internet had become popular, we had to go a long way, even go abroad, to study sometimes very short courses. If the Internet hadn't been invented, we would not find such an economical solution .
To sum up, the Internet has invaluable advantages which make it become an irreplaceable innovation in the contemporary times. Now, we just have to make it more and more accessible to everyone.
TOEFL listening lectures: A university science lecture on Island Biogeography |
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Minhduc
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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| #2 (permalink) Wed Jan 09, 2008 16:25 pm TOEFL essay: Technological innovations |
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| minhduc wrote: |
Advances in transportation and communication like the airplane and the telephone have changed the way that nations interact with each other in a global society. Choose another technological innovation that you think is important. Give specific reasons for your choice.
Nowadays, technological innovations have changed our modern world significantly and miraculously. Among numerous innovations, I think the Internet plays an extremely important role. And there are many reasons for my statement.
Obviously, the greatest contribution of the Internet is in communication. Now, through efficient search engines, like Google or Alta Vista, we can find all kinds of useful information ranging from academic knowledge to entertaining stuffs. I can never forget the first time I used Google to search for necessary papers in my major area and it gave me desired result in just fractions of seconds, it was so impressive. It can be said that the Internet is a "global library" which anyone can access as long as he/she has a PC and necessary connections.
[Check your topic sentence at the start of this paragraph. Have you explored the idea of "communication" in this paragraph, or something else - for example, "access to information"?]
[You might like to mention what it was like before we had the Internet to qualify your examples - "By contrast, ...]
Moreover, the Internet saves us more time and expense than ever before. Now we can send email to our friends very far from us and receive reply within a day. We can also chat directly with our lover even though he/she is in a foreign country. Finally, without spending time and money going to school and coming back, we still can take part in distance learning courses.
[You've used a linking device with "finally", which is fine - but perhaps you could add some others like "Also" or "In addition" to the examples before this to show a sequence.]
[You might like to mention what it was like before we had the Internet to qualify your examples. This paragraph is briefer than the previous one, so this one in particular could do with more information to show the contrast between pre-Internet and now. It's also good to show off your language use with a 3rd conditional structure - "If the Internet hadn't been invented and developed, we ...]
To sum up, the Internet has invaluable advantages which make it become an irreplaceable innovation in the contemporary times. Now, we just have to make it more and more accessible to everyone. |
Cheers,
Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 72
Location: Melbourne Australia
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| #3 (permalink) Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:27 am TOEFL essay: Technological innovations |
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Hi, Jason
Thank you for kindly helping me
I made some more adjustments as you suggested. They are in red. How do you think? |
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Minhduc
I'm new here and I like it ;-)
Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 17
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| #4 (permalink) Thu Jan 10, 2008 18:57 pm TOEFL essay: Technological innovations |
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| minhduc wrote: |
Hi, Jason
Thank you for kindly helping me
I made some more adjustments as you suggested. They are in red. How do you think? |
I think that addition to the second body paragraph is great.
You still have the challenge of fixing the first body paragraph, however, as my initial feedback pointed out.
Also now that you have been given some detailed feedback, and it's clear to me you know some good things about writing TOEFL essays, I think it would be awesome to see you post some feedback for some of the other essays posted here in the forum...
Remember, sharing is caring!
Best,
- Jason |
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EnglishRaven
You can meet me at english-test.net
Joined: 09 Oct 2007
Posts: 72
Location: Melbourne Australia
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| Help me for my TOEFLŪ exam on January 2008 | TOEFLŪ Essay Sample: Why go to University? |
