TOEFL essay example: Providing smoking areas for employees

[superman]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their employees who smoke cigarettes.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

here is my essay:

Although smoking is very harmful to everyone’s heath, a lot of people are used to smoking cigarettes. However, it is very difficult for those people because that action can make others annoyed and unpleasant. Therefore, I support the idea of providing smoking areas for the employees who smoke cigarettes by employers.

First of all, providing smoking areas will help employees who want to smoke feel more comfortable and work more effectively. In fact, when one addicts to cigarettes, he will want to smoke several times or even more per day. If there is no place for him to smoke, he can feel tired and will not want to do anything else. Thus, it is necessary for employers to built special areas for smokers. Moreover, in order to get the highest profit in business, employers should consider their workers’ demands and desires. If employers can meet the wishes of whom they employ, they will be successful in creating a comfortable working environment. As a result, employees properly think that their bosses care about them very much so they work harder and make better productivity.

Furthermore, smoking employees will have places to smoke with those areas so they will not cause inconvenience for others. On the other hand, if employers do not provide smoking areas, smokers can be forced to smoke in the working places where there are a lot of non-smokers. Actually, people who do not smoke will feel uncomfortable with the smell of cigarettes and it can harm to their heaths. That is why smoking in pubic is strictly treated. Thus, by providing those special areas, employers can satisfy all of their employees whether they smoke or not.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their smoking employees for above reasons. In that way, both of employers and employees can have their own benefits. Employers will get higher profit and employees will feel comfortable.

can you help me to score it and if possible, please give me some comments as well as advice? I appreciate any suggestions of you.

[Luckyboydtt]

Here are some my comments :
1. In the first part of your body, you use "the first of all ", so where is "the second of all"
2. As I know, you write an explanatory--> why you use compare structure in the first topic sentence
3. Although smoking is very harmful to everyone’s heath-->health

[superman]

Thanks.
But I think we don't need to use 'second of all' if we used 'first of all' before.
I don't understand what you mean in ' why you use compare structure in the first topic sentence '.Can you explain it in more detail?

[Commonsense27]

I have tried to provide corrections to your essay. I hope it helps you.

Employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their employees who smoke cigarettes

Although smoking is very harmful to health, a lot of people are used to smoking cigarettes. However, life becomes very difficult for smokers because their smoking often makes non-smokers annoyed and unpleasant. It is inconvenient for both of those who smoke and those who don’t. Therefore, I support the idea of employers providing smoking areas for those employees, who smoke cigarettes.

Providing smoking areas will help smoking employees feel comfortable and work effectively. Smoking habits differ from smoker to smoker. In fact, when one is heavily addicted to smoking, one wants to smoke many times a day. If there is no place for him to smoke, he can feel tired and may not want to work. This affects the productivity of the company. Thus, it is useful for employers to build smoking areas for smokers. In order to improve the productivity of the company thereby increasing profit in their business, employers should consider demands and desires of their workers. If employers can meet the wishes of their employees, they will be successful in creating a comfortable working environment. As a result, employees would think that their bosses care about them and they would work harder. This would improve the productivity and thus the profit of the company.

Since smoking employees will have a place to smoke, they will not cause inconvenience for non-smokers. If employers do not provide smoking areas, smokers can be forced to smoke in places where there are a lot of non-smokers. Actually, non-smoking employees will feel uncomfortable with the smell of cigarettes that can harm their health and affect their performance. Thus, by providing special areas for smoking, employers can satisfy all of their employees whether they smoke or not.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that employers should be required to provide smoking areas for their smoking employees. In this way, both the employers and employees can be benefited. Employers will make higher profit and employees will feel more comfortable.

[superman]

[Luckyboydtt]

Hi superman
' why you use compare structure in the first topic sentence '-->you make a explanatory. Why you use compare structure in your topic sentence-->It makes your essay off form

[superman]

Hi Luckyboydtt,
I see what you mean and you're properly right.

See you around.
Superman