TOEFL® essay: The extracurricular activity of importance to me...

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Any advice about this essay would be greatly appreciated!

The extracurricular activity of importance to me is Lacrosse. I have been playing the game since 1993 and I am on track to becoming an exceptional lacrosse player. Having been coached and trained by some of the games leading players, I have developed a skill and sense for the game that has allowed me to read on the field. The level of play which I have achieved has resulted in considerable recognition and has nurtured the desire to continue to develop these skills and abilities at the collegiate level.
Perhaps the most important impact has been the development of a significant level of confidence and leadership off the field. I have had the good fortune to play for and coach for one of the country’s leading lacrosse clubs and the satisfaction that I receive from watching others develop is unparalleled. This is the best achievement of all. Winning the game feels great but helping others leaves you with a greater sense of accomplishment and contribution. In the end the competitive play and personal development make for a great player and a sensitive and caring individual.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social sciences class