TOEFL® essay: What changes do you think this century will bring?

[Gilga27]

What changes do you think this century will bring?

The new century is only some years old, but people already think about the changes in their lifes. As far as I am concerned, mankind will face new problems but also gain new opportunities.

The first question to ask is what constitutes the greatest difference to the life and world we are used to. One key element might be the fast advances in computer science, both in theory and application. People will no longer stand at a conveyor belt doing piecework until the factory whistle blows, but manage software and hardware solutions, which can produce more goods of a higher qualitiy in a shorter period of time. This development might pose a threat to people who lack the knowledge a modern employee needs to fulfill his tasks. On the other hand, the remaining jobs will be more interesting with a lower risk of injuries.

In addition, I believe that we will reach a higher level of civilization without wars and conflicts. My main argument for claiming that is the fact that people with a higher education will not follow dictators and false prophets into wars which only destroy but never fulfill one's dreams and hopes.
Furthermore, the fast development of the Internet and other forms of communication will result in the first global civilization in our history.

Finally, the increasing population with its exponential growth demands either a strong birth control or access to new areas where we can live in harmony and peace with our neighbors and the environment. That sites may be in the depths of the sea or in the planets of the sky.

In conclusion, I am looking forward to the new century with all its possibilities and I hope that we can build together a brighter future for as all.
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Hows many points do you think this essay is worth?

[Gabriel123]

1. A century is something abstract, it cannot be a toddler. So you should have said something like - Though the new century has only just/recently begun
2. Opportunities are not gained; they come up, are presented to us ... by destiny
3.The difference between the life and the world we ...
4. Drop the conveyor belt and the whistles, seriously not very academic
5. Try expanding a bit the 1st and last paragraph - they're waaaay to skinny.

Good work. This one's far better than the other one !

[Gilga27]

4.) Do you really think? From my point of view, such a sentence might produce some extra points by demonstrating my broad range of vocabularly used in the essay. However, I understand your point of missing academic importance.
Probably, I will use it in the independent speaking section.

[Gabriel123]

It's not a bad thing that you're using it, however, to me, it does seem a little forced into the context and while some may regard this as a +, others may think of it to be rather disturbing. Nonetheless, it's up to you to decide on its usage. In the end, your essay defines you, so don't be afraid to show off a bit !