TOEFL® essay: Make large amounts of money or satisfied to earn a comfortable...

[Gilga27]

This time I tried more complex ideas, but I'm not sure if I chose always the correct words and phrases. Despite the length, what do you thibk about it?

Make large amounts of money or satisfied to earn a comfortable living.
Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand

From ancient times, to our modern society people always asked themselves the same old question "when do I own enough?". Today some people are satisfied if they have enough money for a comfortable living while others try to gather as much money as possible.

Not only the ability to afford any kind of luxury, like jewelery, expensive cars or gigantic mansions motivates them, but also the knowledge of superior in subjects of salary and the qualities in being a good business man. Furthermore, they are admired by those who trying to make their own fortune. Moreover, it is possible to pay for an better health insurance or school for the children.

On the other hand, money doesn't guarantee you automatically a happier life. For example, with money one can buy the most expensive medicine and the best doctors, but a poor healthy person will probably enjoy his life more than a sick and rich one. In addition, having a huge salary usually means to work longer and harder and as a result there is no time to spend it or to care for his beloved ones. Finally, if you are comfortable with the amount of wealth you own, you don't risk becoming greedy or of immoral behavior in order to expand your property.

In conclusion, I believe money shouldn't be that treated too important in life. However, a sufficient livelihood enables yo to focus on the real important issues, like family and friends without fearing to become poor.

[Gabriel123]

1. "From ancient times, to our modern society people always asked themselves" Ok, so, since ancient times to the present day; they haven't stopped ever since=> present tense continuous, not past tense !

2. "Not only DOES the ability to afford any kind of luxury, like jewelery, expensive cars or gigantic mansions motivatE them"

3. "but also the knowledge of superior in subjects of salary and the qualities in being a good business man" Now this is not coherent at all. I reckon you wanted to write something like -but they are also motivated bu the knowledge in matters of ...

4. "money doesn't AUTOMATICALLY guarantee you "

5. "but a poor healthy person" - a person in poorer health

6. "usually means to work longer" - usually means working longer ( always a gerund in this kind of construction)

7. "amount of wealth you own" - amount of money or simply wealth

8. you cannot become of immoral behavior; you could display it

9. "he realLY important issues"

10 ."without fearing OF becomING poor"

[Gilga27]

Thx again. How many points, dou you think my essays are worth?
In the range 0-30?

[Zara Woman]

Every person attitude towards money in very different ways. Some people are keen to eand the enourmous amount of money but some people are glad to make money that may cover expenditures for comfortable living.
Those people who want to earn large amount of money I divided into two types of people. These are ambigious people and people who like luxe life. First type are people who is differen from others, for them money is recources with the aid of that they can realize theirs projects and aims. It is the people who think that it is important to earn big money. These people primarly business men, who make money to be famous or to compite with his or her rivals.
On the other hand, second type of people are those who likes enjoy luxe life. That is why they earn money to live how they want, where they want. These people want to earn money as much as possible. They think that as more money as more happy would be in theirs life. Moreover, those people suggest that they can buy everything with money.
However another types of group, satisfied to earn to live in comfortable. I think that these people’s view of point on life better than previous one. They are ,usually get more happy from life, see less stress, and live in bettter conditions. For them it is important earn exactly those money which is ready to cover human’s neccessary demands such as food, accomodation, living costs.
Some people do not understant that the process of earning money bring satisfy to person not its presense. And those people who have everything do not get pleasure form minor things, but those who earn and save money to buy a new model car which was produced 2 years ago would be happier.
But highlighted both points of view I will attempt to earn much money. My purpose of my life it is to build a private hospital, and to name this hospital with the name of my mother, that is why I must earn an anormous amount of money to realize it.

[Gabriel123]

Sorry it took forever to answer, but somehow I didn't get a notification about your post. I'm afraid I can't tell you where you stand on a 1 to 30 scale, because I don't know what is and ain't taken into account by the toefl staff, so ... can't help you here

[Gabriel123]

[Zara Woman]

Thank you very much.

I will try to rewrite it, but i have no idea how to write essays in English. My native language is Russian. This essay I just translated form my languages. And it is wrong.

[Songthanh]

Somebody said that “Money can not buy happiness” but I do not think so. For the real life, money seems to be the most needs of humans. Everybody needs money to make their life easier and more comfortable than before. Therefore, I think it is important to make amounts of money because of my following reasons.
Firstly, I was not born in poor family or rich family but I still like to earn a lot of money. My family is the middle class. We have enough money to do something as going to school, having meals everyday, having environment or conditions to develop commonly, etc. We have a simple life, which everyone in the poverty class wish they could. For me, however, that is not enough. I would like to help and mobilize people by my ability, my skills and my money. My word can not do anything else, except for my actions but I will try my best to do that.
Moreover, I am a volunteer now; I joined in one of volunteer clubs in my country. I have already gone somewhere as poor village, the orphanage, the elderly nursing house, etc. to talk to them, give them some small gifts for holidays. And they are very happy when my club visited them. However, I realized that we also did not have enough resources to support them because there are so many people like them in my country. We need more than we have right now. And this is a problem of money. That is why I hope to earn a lot of money to help and support them.
It can be argued that I make large amounts of money means that I would have a stressful living or be dependent on money. But I can emphasize that I wish to have a lot of money so that I can help not only my family, my friend or myself but also the poverty, children, disable people, elders, etc. That is my essential reason.
To sum up, money can not buy happiness but it can make people feel happy. Although money has the advantage and disadvantage, we cannot deny its indispensability with the human life.

[Gabriel123]

First and foremost, I've gotta say this - your writing was quite a pleasant surprise. Sure, it ain't exquisite, but you're off to a pretty good start! You've started with a (tortured) general statement; that's good! I see potential, although I see no paragraphs and that saddens me, but hey, can't have them all...

1) Although a general statement (yay!), it's a bit TOO simple. Somebody once said that money cannot (!) buy happiness, however I choose to differ/ have to disagree.
2) In the real life, money seems to be the thing humans need most.
3) important to earn good money; make money is informal, make amounts of money is not English
4) A poor/ impoverished family; the whole sentence s u c k s - I'm rich, but I can't get enough ........
5) I'm part of a middle class family; we can afford a good education, proper food, and a nice life
6) N E V E R use ETC !!!!!!!
7)We lead a simple life ... the rest of the sentence s-u-c-k-s again. You're showing off. That's not appreciated (not by me, I don't really care, but rudeness is not encouraged).
by my ability - wrong - on my own ... and there goes money again.
9)your word ??? what about it ?
10)I joined a volunteering club
11) gone to places such as orphanages
12) them who? no reference to any human was made
13)I also realized. Who are they ???
14) argued that havING ...means leadING a stressful
15) why do you only have ONE friend ?
16) the poor (people) - poverty is the phenomenon
17) here's the etc agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain
1 money brings advantages and disadvantages
19) indispensability ain't English

Draw your own conclusions. It ain't horrendous, but you've got quite a few mistakes so unless you keep working on your English, don't expect too much from the TOEFL. What's your exam date ?

[Gabriel123]

sorry for the unintended emoticons

[Songthanh]

[Gabriel123]

You don't replace etc with anything; you just don't use it. Instead of persuading the one grading your essay of your writing skills, etc sends a message similar to - you figure that out, or I'm not gonna write all that for you to see. So just refrain from it period.

As for the tips - try to have 4 well-defined paragraphs of at least 60 words (4 to 5 rows), use good connectors at the beginning of each paragraph (It is widely known, it is common knowledge, on the other hand, moreover, however etc) and try to give each paragraph its own idea. The TOEFL essay is an opinion essay. Google it.

Good luck.

PS See I have used etc - that's because what I'm writing here is usually informal; avoid it in a formal piece of writing.

[Cune]

Each individual has his own views on life, wealth and comfort. Some consider creating wealth a very important task in their lives. It's not unusual for them to spend most (if not all) of their time trying to earn as much money as possible. On the other hand, probably a larger (pro)portion of people tends to prefer having a lot of free time, thus choosing to work and earn less. This kind of people values their leisure much higher then the first kind.

It should be noted, however, that this view might be considered stereotypical. It's not a good idea to strictly divide all people in two precisely defined groups, since we are all different. We usually perceive sharp dressed business people as a lifeless, boring creed, whose only purpose in life is to seek more and more profits, in a never-ending race. It's thought that they just can't relax and enjoy their time on the Earth, while second group, which prefers leisure to working, really knows how to take their time and appreciate the beauty of this world. While this can be true about some of them, I think that this view is rather biased.

It can be the case that some people from the second group are actually trapped in an occupation which they just can't find themselves in. It is often said that someone has "chosen the wrong career", which can make his working time unsatisfying, unpleasant and sometimes even miserable. It is very probable that they would not have such a negative view on work if they had chosen to do something that is more interesting and engaging for them. On the other side, there are also people who are so happy with their work, that they would keep on with it even if they were not compensated. These people are the luckiest, especially if they are paid well.

As for me, It would be the most fulfilling if I ended up doing something that I really like. If such a job would provide a stable financial situation or even an opportunity to gain wealth - that would be even better. If not, I would still choose the job I enjoy more, rather than the one that provides more money.

[Gabriel123]

Cune, first and foremost, congrats! Your essay has a good layout. That's not something I see everyday on this site. You've started with a general statement and you've got 4 paragraphs. Now, you've also got some mistakes ...

1) tends to prefer having; ouch - people tend to have
2) businesspeople is written in one word
4) don't use abbreviations (it's can't they're) in any writing intending to be formal - a TOEFL essay ain't a leaflet !!!
5) while THE second group
6) really knows how to take (their) time; you're using the singular because of the group, then you must continue with this form so lose "their"
7) It can be the case that some people from the second group - Some people from the second group MAY actually be - don't beat around the bush
in an occupation which they just can't find themselves in - notice the 2 "in"... that ain't good. in an occupation which they just can't find themselves period.
9) working time - do use work/job, or if you insist
10) It's very probable - It's HIGHLY probable
11) On the other side - hilarious this one; on the other HAND
12) wealth - that - never use dashes or brackets; keep the register formal !
13) the last paragraph is smaller than the other ones and does not sum up the main idea of the essay. You kinda blew it here.

To sum up, not bad at all. Great sequence of tenses. I'm sure you'll get a great writing score. Just keep up the good work.

[Cune]

Hi Gabriel! Thank you very much for reading my essay and correcting it - you gave me some >>>really<<< useful advice. I can't thank you enough.

I'll try to explain two things that you pointed out

1) is not really a mistake because the verb "tends" refers to "kind of people", not just "people". But correct me if I'm wrong.
11) Well I used "on the other side" because I tried to refer to the first group... Like we put all people on two sides and then compare them But I agree, "on the other hand" would still be better.