TOEFL essay: Make large amounts of money or satisfied to earn a comfortable...

[gilga27]

This time I tried more complex ideas, but I'm not sure if I chose always the correct words and phrases. Despite the length, what do you thibk about it?

Make large amounts of money or satisfied to earn a comfortable living.
Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand

From ancient times, to our modern society people always asked themselves the same old question "when do I own enough?". Today some people are satisfied if they have enough money for a comfortable living while others try to gather as much money as possible.

Not only the ability to afford any kind of luxury, like jewelery, expensive cars or gigantic mansions motivates them, but also the knowledge of superior in subjects of salary and the qualities in being a good business man. Furthermore, they are admired by those who trying to make their own fortune. Moreover, it is possible to pay for an better health insurance or school for the children.

On the other hand, money doesn't guarantee you automatically a happier life. For example, with money one can buy the most expensive medicine and the best doctors, but a poor healthy person will probably enjoy his life more than a sick and rich one. In addition, having a huge salary usually means to work longer and harder and as a result there is no time to spend it or to care for his beloved ones. Finally, if you are comfortable with the amount of wealth you own, you don't risk becoming greedy or of immoral behavior in order to expand your property.

In conclusion, I believe money shouldn't be that treated too important in life. However, a sufficient livelihood enables yo to focus on the real important issues, like family and friends without fearing to become poor.

[gabriel123]

1. "From ancient times, to our modern society people always asked themselves" Ok, so, since ancient times to the present day; they haven't stopped ever since=> present tense continuous, not past tense !

2. "Not only DOES the ability to afford any kind of luxury, like jewelery, expensive cars or gigantic mansions motivatE them"

3. "but also the knowledge of superior in subjects of salary and the qualities in being a good business man" Now this is not coherent at all. I reckon you wanted to write something like -but they are also motivated bu the knowledge in matters of ...

4. "money doesn't AUTOMATICALLY guarantee you "

5. "but a poor healthy person" - a person in poorer health

6. "usually means to work longer" - usually means working longer ( always a gerund in this kind of construction)

7. "amount of wealth you own" - amount of money or simply wealth

8. you cannot become of immoral behavior; you could display it

9. "he realLY important issues"

10 ."without fearing OF becomING poor"

[gilga27]

Thx again. How many points, dou you think my essays are worth?
In the range 0-30?