TOEFL essay samle: Being a people from Haiphong city of Vietnam, I consider...

[thanhsoi]

Being a people from Haiphong city of Vietnam, I consider that my hometown is still poor. I wish the area would become richer and its population had more chances because of a large factory near my community. On the other hand, building it brings some disadvantages as well. To be frank, I have mix emotion about it.

Actually, there is some pollution. It will cause so much noise and waste products. Perhaps, the population will be frustrated by these sounds, there will have more waste airs coming from such factory around their house, and the local garbage will be full of trash. These problems can be solved by technique, which is applied in many industrial cities. Therefore, they are soluble troubles.

Beside, it brings a lot advantages. They are opportunities of job and benefit. People can work for these factory. Business can be developed as well, for example: restaurants, drugstores, shops and so on. As a result, local population will be able to have their own small business, so they can earn more money to adapt their living.

Moreover, living level and infrastructure will be also increased. Roads will be opened, so trade and traffic will grow. Therefore, there will have more and more investors and company go to my hometown. It is the beginning step of becoming a developed city gradually.
Finally yet importantly, children will have more chances to study, and brighten future. They will be able to come back their birthplace to contribute their ability.

In comparison between the advantages and disadvantages, I support building a large factory near my community. It is good.

[capuccino_me]

Hi,

My humble inputs.

To start with the first paragraph:
Grammar is very important in TOEFL writing. For example in your first sentence " Being a people..." . Pal, people is plural. So you cannot use "a people". Never. Secondly, "I wish the area would become..." . I understand what you are trying to say. You meant " I feel the area would become...". But its better to show the difference between your spoken english and written english clearly. In the same sentence if you had used "work chances" it would have conveyed the exact meaning.

I would recommend that you look at a few books for TOEFL. Especially the writing section. I am not sure if i can post the book names here. But i found KAPLAN tips for writing to be very useful. Thank You

[thanhsoi]

thx u so much!