TOEFL essay samples: The US is a more masculine country than France.

[learner_of_english]

Hello,

I'm trying to write Essays to improve my English level cause I want to study in the United Kingdom. But I always have some problems in grammar.

So I would like a kind English speaker correct the big mistakes in the grammar of my sentences (not the content). I'll be very grateful if you can help me

Thanks a lot !

The topic is : "According to press articles, the US is a more masculine country than France. To what extent do you believe this is true ?"

==
Through History, we’ve seen that American people are proud and want to manage the world. Meanwhile, French people know how to live and they have a more collectivism mentality. According to several studies, the US is a more “masculine” country than France. We’re about to study if this is a reality or not.

1°/ First, we can compare educational values between these two countries.

The American people educational values are rather funded on individualism.
Each person must show his value to be recognized, the merit is more important than the link formed (relationship) with others. Pupils and students have to be independent, self-confident, their teacher assists them in work but they don’t give solutions. They also have to be competitive.
For instance, intercollegiate sporting events are promoted in American football and basketball. These competitions attract not only young people but all sport fans.

In France, educational values are rather funded on collectivism.
The ties between people are privileged, it doesn’t matter if a person undergoes many failures his family and his friends will always support him. Devotion in relationships is essential because people don’t stand to be alone.
As students, we’re used to partying several times by week, we enter in student associations to share our ideals with others and we think that is the victory of groups which is the more important.
For example, in soccer games, one player goal is the equip goal. (but 1 joueur est le but de l’équipe)

According to Geert Hofstede (a press article writer), these points show that the US is a more masculine country than France. I think we can reveal there is another aspect of this topic with gender ideas.

2°/ The power that is a more masculine idea can be illustrated by American will to possess big things.
Indeed, American cars are big like 4x4 or pick up, they like to eat big burgers.
They use an amazing budget for their movies with many special effects and they often contain fights like Rambo, Terminator or Rocky. Each time, we have the feeling that American glory is bet and it’s always American people who win.
Then, American comics imply heroes with a super strength and a nice physical appearance like Superman or Hulk.

On the contrary, French culture hires the small things and products are adapted to family which is a more feminine idea.
There are small French cars for young people the Twingo, the Clio or the Smart and we’re used to taking a little break with a small cup of coffee.

In France, there are often humoristic or romantic movies like movie of the moment “Bienvenue chez les ch’tis” which is the best French humoristic movie of the year.
We’re also used to reading comics like “Astérix” or “Tintin” who are not really superheroes.

As we see through all these examples America owns more masculine ideas than France and we really saw a gap between these two mentalities.

3°/ However, the feminine culture in France is limited.
We also have a competitive policy as we se through a job or college interview. The selection is tough, there are some oral or written exams and many people are refused.
The vision of soccer as a “sweet” sport is far from reality because many players are hurt during the games.
Furthermore, there are French action movies like “Les rivières pourpres”, “Nikita” and “Leon” which compete with American super production.

In my opinion, the association between masculine culture with men who search for success and power, and feminine culture with women who look after their family is a stereotype. It tends to disappear today, women are more and more independent and they can be company’s bosses or minister.
For instance, the French company CHANEL is lead by a woman.

To conclude, obviously the US is a more “masculine” culture than France. But in my view, there isn’t a best culture because self-confidence and relationships are essential to have a happy live.
We can wonder if the promotion of power and success could not lead to abuse.

==
Sincerely,

[batdoi]

Hi learner_of_english. So you are from France?
Well, maybe I'm not the native english speaker you are looking for, but I think I can help somehow lol.

Here are my comments for the essay.

To be honest I'm not sure if I fully and correctly understand the word "masculine". But overall I think your main supporting ideas are quite good. However, there are many bad mistakes.

First is this really a TOEFL essay? I am somewhat suspicious. If it is, your essay is a bit too long. You need to organize it much clearer. Many of your paragraphs can be combined into one. It also includes irrelevant ideas, because some of your examples and details are too trivial. For instance, the paragraph "In France, there are often humoristic or romantic movies like movie of the moment “Bienvenue chez les ch’tis” which is the best French humoristic movie of the year.
We’re also used to reading comics like “Astérix” or “Tintin” who are not really superheroes. " should be deleted. And this is just one out of many unnecessary ideas in your essay.

You are too straightforward in your introduction. The introductory paragraph should have between 3-5 sentences, imo. You introduce the topic with a general statement to give the background for the topic and attract the reader's interest, and as you go further, approach closer and closer to the main topic. The final sentence of this paragraph (called thesis statement) should include the subtopics to help readers know what you are going to discuss in the remaining paragraphs. Don't go immediately to the thesis statement, as you did in this essay.

Frankly speaking, you do have some problems with your grammar. I suggest you revise english grammar and word forms, and use the "Check Spelling and grammar " feature in Microsoft Word before posting the finished essay here, that's what I do these days. Trust me if you try to proofread your essay by looking up in dictionary or check grammar errors by YOURSELF, you will remember it much longer.

Moreover, you need to make use of different sentence structures to make the essay more interesting and easier to read. You can use coordinative conjunctions, something like that.

Another thing is word choice, or proper use of vocabulary. For example "funded on individualism" is not correct, "amazing budget" is awkward, and I'm not sure if we can use the phrase "competitive policy".

What's more, as this is an academic essay, you are encouraged to use formal words (instead of everyday colloquial language), and in most cases passive sentences make your statements sound better, that is, more 'academic'.

Finally I feel you went completely off-topic when you wrote the last 2 paragraphs. They should be removed.

My 2 cent opinion,

Truong Pham

[learner_of_english]

^^

[learner_of_english]

Hello Sir,

thank you for your answer.
You're right I'm French and I always have some problems with my grammar

Actually, this is not a TOEFL essay but this is the only section I found to post my essay.
Your advice really help me to reorganize my essay and stay in the topic lol.

I asked to an English teacher to correct my grammar and I've seen my many mistakes.

So, I'm going to brush up my written English.

Thanks again
Sincerely,