Psycho letter: I have been trying hard to diagnose my weaknesses, as that...

[Zarafee]

i wrote it, not sure if it makes sense ? help please

I have been trying hard to diagnose my weaknesses, as that would help me work on repairing the damages. After all, pin pointing the problem is half the cure. Unfortunately, as yet, I haven't come up with a straight answer to what has been bothering me. Problems with concentration and memorizing, in particular, dictate my behaviour. To make a clearer picture of what I mean, I shall summarize some routine I cross daily: Suppose when I am washing dishes - a very simple task - I tend to forget what I am doing. In other words, I go astray. Soon I find myself leaving the dishes to turn to something else. Soon enough. I realize that I have forgotten to finish the dishes, so I go back to doing it. And so on ... sounds silly, doesn't it? Well, it is not as simple as that, trust me.

I believe that within ourselves there is a hidden driving force that could ultimately set our success. I am going to refer to that force as "the nucleus existence." Motivations, ambitions, purpose, encouragement, incentive ... all follow up of my existence. I think trouble starts to arise when this existence is shaken, when the very system that holds everything together in a magnificent way is battered. The consequences can be really severe. -We turn to feel comfortable when we do something for a purpose, if that purpose does not exist then you are living in misery-.

So far, I went on to talking about consequences of my problem. Intentionally, I jumped over issues which are not of less importance: adapting to living in the real word.
Here adapting goes beyond the well defined classical "culture shock" usually experienced when you are suddenly exposed to unfamiliar culture. Probably, a more complex way to describing "adaptation" is setting the relation between the conscious and the unconscious and how does that influences the way you behave?! I turn to find the word "struggle" is a balance one to explain the ordeal. The Shuffling experienced within your mind and the almost wasted efforts to compromise between the “delusive world state” and the reality is too hard to bear, your timescale is altered so minutes lasts for hours, a troubling chaotic seen undergoing through your mind, an even battle where no loser nor winner but pain and exhaustion, a non physical transitional era that knows no boundaries, can strike anytime, any moment, beyond imagination, no wonder hallucination becomes as a relief!