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#2 (permalink) Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:53 pm Tell me why? |
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I think the poem sounds sincere, without any pretense.
What is "You sell my love"? |
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NinaZara I'm a Communicator ;-)

Joined: 04 Jan 2007 Posts: 1168 Location: Malaysia (Cat city)
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#3 (permalink) Wed Jul 02, 2008 15:04 pm Tell me why? |
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Hi R.A.S.,
I think you've done a pretty good job as far as word choice and grammatical correctness (it should read 'darkness attacks my life', though) is concerned. One thing I don't like all that much is your rhyming pattern. Rhyming couplets fail to have the desired effect you probably wanted to convey. The reader gets sidetracked. English is comparatively limited in terms of word endings, so you can only choose from a certain number of rhymes.
Here's an exaggerated effect of rhyming couplets:
At the end of the day You will have to say That everything must For sure end in dust
Whatever may be It is clear to see That nothing can last At least not the past
So here goes my rhyme That ain't worth a dime No that it's over Crimson and clover.
or sum'n...
I think your best verse was this one here
| Quote: |
Just to remind you I’m not coming back Gloominess can’t cover me and so the dark |
I think you wanted to say 'and neither the dark', but still, breaking with the rhyming couplets by using a word like 'dark' is very effective.
Anyway, hope you're not too heartbroken :!:
Take care,
Ralf _________________ Test of English as a Foreign Language TOEFL Preparation & TOEFL Vocabulary Learn more: How to Become an English Teacher |
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Ralf Language Coach

Joined: 20 Apr 2006 Posts: 1564 Location: EU (Ireland and Germany)
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#4 (permalink) Fri Jul 04, 2008 17:24 pm Tell me why? |
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hi NinaZara
thanks alot |
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Islam’s Daughter New Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 4
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#5 (permalink) Fri Jul 04, 2008 17:47 pm Tell me why? |
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| Thank you Ralf your comment meant a lot. It’s my first poem. (attacks) it was a mistake. Sorry. |
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Islam’s Daughter New Member
Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 4
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#6 (permalink) Fri Jul 04, 2008 20:40 pm Tell me why? |
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| I don't know much about English Poem. But I think that it is a good one. I can't make such a good one as yours. |
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Thanh_Hieu6 New Member
Joined: 04 Jul 2008 Posts: 1
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