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Correct me: My room is limited, so I'll pretend this is a telegram. Need...



 
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Correct me: My room is limited, so I'll pretend this is a telegram. Need... #1 (permalink) Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:59 am   Correct me: My room is limited, so I'll pretend this is a telegram. Need...
 

My room is limited, so I'll pretend this is a telegram. Need writing practice. Five more words: presage, pub, pygmy, ritzy, and rumple.
"I hadn't have a presage for many days. I dreamt of a dwarf. He was pissing me off. Today I went to a ritzy pub. The bartender was a pygmy on a chair. What the heck! Bring my drink and stop rumpling me. You're so irksome! Again it happened. Why I don't just dream of something pleasant?".
- Make it more suitable for my eyes. Embellish it with grammar's rules.
Gracias
Ralahpik
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 24
Location: Mexico

Correct me please! #2 (permalink) Sun Aug 03, 2008 17:43 pm   Correct me please!
 

Hi Ralahpik,

I'll comment on your paragraph sentence by sentence.

"I hadn't have a presage for many days. 'presage' doesn't work here. It's grammatically correct, yes, but the problem is that the noun form of 'presage' is rarely used; it's more commonly used as a verb. I'd suggest substituting a different noun here, such as 'premonition, vision, or foretelling'. Since it seems like you're just describing a common dream, and nothing of a prophetic nature, why not just use the word 'dream'?

I dreamt of a dwarf. ok

He was pissing me off. ok

Today I went to a ritzy pub. ok, except using 'today' is confusing regarding the timeline. I'd use the past perfect, and say "I had gone to a ritzy pub." to clearly indicate it happened in the dream, and is part of the dream description.

The bartender was a pygmy on a chair. ok

What the heck! Bring my drink and stop rumpling me. 'rumple' won't work here. I"m not sure what your intended meaning here is, perhaps something like 'bother' or 'annoy'

You're so irksome! Ok

Again it happened. No grammatical problem, but what is it that happened again? The dream? The dwarf being annoying? This is a non-sequitur as is, so you need to clarify.

Why I don't just dream of something pleasant? Ok
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Correct me please! #3 (permalink) Sun Aug 03, 2008 18:59 pm   Correct me please!
 

Ralahpik wrote:
"I hadn't have a presage for many days.
Just an additional note:

It is not grammatically correct to say "I hadn't have". The correct past perfect form would be "I hadn't had".

Ralahpik wrote:
Gracias
De nada. Wink
.
Yankee
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Joined: 16 Apr 2006
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Correct me please! #4 (permalink) Sun Aug 03, 2008 19:21 pm   Correct me please!
 

Proof
Ralahpik
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 24
Location: Mexico

Correct me please! #5 (permalink) Sun Aug 03, 2008 19:29 pm   Correct me please!
 

My characters are limited. I can only type about a short paragraph. I'm using my brother's PSP, so it's more complicated.
I want to say thankyou for the replies, specially you, Skrej. Your help is great!
Yeah, I didn't notice "I hadn't have".
Gracias : )
Ralahpik
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 24
Location: Mexico

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