TOEFL® essay example: Why do some students study abroad?

[Pumpkin880201]

I write this essay just now in 30 mins. I would really appreciate that if you leave your precious comments and suggestions here.

We know that “the world is flat” now which means transportation and communication between different country becomes much easier. Given those advantages more and more students now go abroad to study. In my opinion, students go abroad to gain education of high quality, enlarge their knowledge span and experience something new and exciting.

The first reason I suppose why students go abroad to study is to gain better education. We have to admit that there are large gaps between developing and developed country. Most of the world’s new technologies are created in those developed countries. They have most of the best facilities, professors in the world. In addition, after hundreds of years’ reforming and adjusting, they built successful educational systems and methods. It is a very precious opportunity to attend to knowledgable professor’s lectures, study in an evironment that has more freedom.

Futhermore, students go abroad to enlarge their knowledge span. One can hardly learn the culture of a country without living there for years. We can learn its people’s lifestyle, dominant values from the food they eat, the way they talk and behave. It is very useful if we deal with a foreigner from that country later in our work. Without such background, one may find difficult to understand foreiners even if he/she knows all the grammer and vacabulary of their language.

Last but not least, it is an exciting adventure to study out in a completely new environment. We can learn how to adjust ourselves to a new condition as soon as possible. Though there are many difficults like culture conficts or lack of profiency in language, we can really learn how to live by ours own and look after ourselves after we conquer them.

In sum, students can get best-level education in the world, expand their knowledge and enjoy an adventurous journey by studying abroad. However, it is not meaning that one can get those knowledge and experiences just by going abroad to study. He/She must choose carefully which college to study in, and struggle for what he/she is longing for.

[Kentman]

Hello. I've made some corrections to your grammatical errors and modified some sentences. Look at the BIG words:

We know that “the world is flat” now which means THAT THE (more formal) transportation and THE (more formal) communication between different country/COUNTRIES becomes/BECOME much easier. Given/CONSIDERING those advantages, more and more students now go abroad to study. In my opinion, students go abroad to gain education of high quality, enlarge their knowledge span and experience something new and exciting.

The first reason I suppose why students go abroad to study is to gain better education. We have to admit that there are large gaps between developing and developed country/COUNTRIES. Most of the world’s new technologies are created in those/THE developed countries. They have most of the best facilities, professors in the world. In addition, after hundreds of years’ reforming and adjusting, they built successful educational systems and methods. It is a very precious opportunity to attend to knowledgable/KNOWLEDGEABLE professor’s lectures, study in an environment/ENVIRONMENT that has more freedom.

Futhermore/FURTHERMORE, students go abroad to enlarge their knowledge (CULTURAL: in my opinion) span. One can hardly learn the culture of a country without living there for years. We can learn its people’s lifestyle, dominant values from the food they eat, the way they talk and behave. It is very useful if/WHEN we deal with a foreigner from that country later in our work. Without such background, one may find difficult to understand foreiners/FOREIGNERS even if he/she knows all the grammer/GRAMMAR and vocabulary/VOCABULARY of their language.

Last but not least, it is an exciting adventure to study out in a completely new environment. We can learn how to adjust ourselves to a new condition as soon as possible. Though there are many difficults/DIFFICULTIES like culture/CULTURAL conficts or lack of profiency/PROFICIENCY in language, we can really learn how to live by ours own and look after ourselves after we conquer(?) them.(this last sentence needs a clarify by you )

In sum ( I think IN GENERAL would be better), students can get best-level education in the world, expand their knowledge and enjoy an adventurous journey by studying abroad. However, it is not meaning that one can get those knowledge/KNOWLEDGES and experiences just by going abroad to study/STUDYING ABROAD. He/She must choose carefully which college to study in, and struggle for what he/she is longing for.

I'm now preparing for the TOEFL like you so I can't give you a mark for your essay. Anyway I think it's good and contains the required elements needed for writing such topics.
I hope that I've been of some help for you and any other more questions would be very welcome.
Correct me if I had already some wrong sentences !

[Pumpkin880201]

I didn't expect there are so many errors in that essay. Your suggestions are very helpful.
Now I know that I must devote more time and effort to proofreading. Thank you so much.

You suggest me clarify this sentense. "Though there are many difficults/DIFFICULTIES like culture/CULTURAL conficts or lack of profiency/PROFICIENCY in language, we can really learn how to live by ours own and look after ourselves after we conquer(?) them."
I've found the problem. I misused the word "conquer". Influenced by my first language, I thought "conquer difficulties" was a right collocation. In fact, I should have used "overcome difficulties" instead.

[Kentman]

Hello. There is another notice for you.
I think you shouldn't have started with transportation and communication as an introduction to your topic. It's quite enough for the introduction to just stating the same statement of the main topic title like "many students nowadays go abroad to study" and then summarize the examples and reasons afterwards.

hmm...But could you answer this question? I feel my english is pretty poor and it takes me some long time to write messages .
keep in touch

[Pumpkin880201]

I personally suggest it is better not to repeat the same sentence stated in the question. Paraphrase using our own words and add our own understanding is better. My email address is pumpkin880201@gmail.com, maybe we can keep in touch via e-mail and help each other with writing skills.

[Tarun41185]

Kindly let me know you comment on this attempt of mine:

It is said the world is shrinking. What the phrase means is that the restrains due to physical distances and boundaries are becoming weaker. The same can be seen as an increase of foreign students in all premier universities of the world. There are many reasons why students study abroad.
Not all countries have good universities. Most of the high ranking universities of the world are located in North America and Europe, a major chunk of which are in U.S. itself. Yet Asia has the largest population of the world. Thus students from these countries who are capable enough to make it to world level universities are left with no choice but to study in foreign universities.
Different places offer different opportunities. Some countries offer better job opportunities than others. Some countries have larger number of industries in a particular field. For example U.S. has a cluster of software companies at Silicon Valley. The companies prefer to recruit students who have studies in the same country as the companies are familiar with the studies at institutes and students are expected to be familiar with the culture of the place. This is a good enough reason for students to go to universities in countries that offer better opportunities.
Studying in foreign universities has many other advantages that contribute to development of the student. As the number of foreign students increases, universities offer a multicultural environment. In today's open economy it is imperative that a person can work in a multicultural environment. The universities simulate the environment that students will face once the enter the corporate world n thus preparing them for life ahead. Apart from this, the environment also contributes to cultural development of the students. They become more tolerant of different cultures and more open minded toward opinions that do not match their own. This open mindedness towards new ideas is very important in today’s fast changing world.
I feel that the cultural of studying abroad greatly increases the opportunities available to students and, to some extent, level the field for students all over the world. Considering the advantages I feel this system should be encouraged so that both students and universities can get the most out of it.

[Sri]

Well studying in abroad is a great experience.we get a chance to expose to western culture ,and we can learn there traditional beliefs,language, and we can make good friends.
Students living in dorms with different country students help them to understand there cultural beliefs,and you can make a lot of friends from different countries.
Our thinking capability ,problem solving capability,and our commuunications skills will improve.We can learn to lead an independent life which is very important to one's own success.we will get a chance to deal with different people and our independent decision making capability will improve.
In many countries like india students are taught in passive manner whereas in United states,Australia active learning is encouraged ,thus students gain much knowledge with active learning.
Some of the disadvantages are they have to stay away from family ,friends.Thus students physical and psychological condition may be affected.some students need to work hard to clear debts.Well there is a saying that "TO GAIN SOMETHING WE NEED TO LOSE SOMETHING".
After completion of there courses like masters,phd,they can lead a great life with good salary and great job.
They can visit many places and can have lot of fun.
Thus,studying in abroad improves there thinking and problemsolving capability.

[Kentman]

tarun41185 wrote
<<In today's open economy it is imperative that a person can work in a multicultural environment.

I think that you don't have to use an auxialiary verb like " can" with phrases such as "it is imperative that " or " it is important that ". Instead, you use just a verb word which is in this case "work". It's a grammatical rule.

I feel that the cultural (should be CULTURE) of studying abroad greatly increases the opportunities .
Your topic is very good,though.