TOEFL® essay sample: reasons people attend university

[C_Chibi]

Hi all, I'm c_chibi.
I would like to request your help to review my essay and correct it.
Anyone please help me. I need other people to read my essay, coz I hardly find my error when I read it by myself. Please also give me advice to improve my essays. Thank you before.

1. People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

This is my essay:

In our life these days, we usually find students graduated from high school continue their studies to a higher level. It doesn’t seem to be strange anymore for us, but has already become a trend among us. Actually, there are some reasons why people attend university, and one’s reason could be different from others’. Some only wants to explore new experiences while others seriously want to prepare for their career prospect. Therefore, there are various reasons why people attend university.
First, some people may think that attending a brand new place which they are unfamiliar with will become such a challenge. They are highly spirited to explore new experiences in the university where they should adapt themselves to new environment, friends and even learning style. They consider attending university as a chance to try struggling in a new world.
Second, there are some people who think that education and knowledge are important for determining their future. Therefore, they continue their education to a higher level by attending university. In fact, generally, these kinds of people do it only because they consider getting educated as a duty or obligation. They believe that they need it to be a successful person. Thus, they so often become under pressure due to the absence of strong desire or strong willing from themselves.
In conclusion, I think one’s reasons to attend university may differ from the others. It is strongly determined by the goal that they want to achieve. Some consider it as a fun and exciting experience, while others consider it as a duty.

[Qverq]

hi

first i want to congratulate u for this nice essay

than i would like to ask u if passed this test

I think u should mention also that people attend university also to make career also. indeed nice composed and rich vocabulary.

where u live? please reply

kind regards

[C_Chibi]

Thank you so much for your reply.
I live in Indonesia. How about you?
Nice to know you

[Happytofita]

Hello,

Thanks for your interesting essay. You are going on the right path to be a real Shakespeare.

One thing I would advise you to do, is to look for some interesting linking verbs and some adverbs that will help you while writing. For instance, instead of using

[Happytofita]

[Happytofita]

I made a typo here: Nowadays meaning exactly what.. I do not know why I cannot edit the post. Here is the correction: Nowadays means exactly what..

Take care.